Blessed Advent

Just a short post to say that God is so great, so faithful, and so merciful! He has lifted the depression and enabled me to find hope and joy again, just in time for Advent. I hope to post something a little more detailed and useful in the coming days if I can find time in between writing the Xmas letter, ordering gifts, decorating, baking, monitoring homework assignments, fighting with the toddler about getting dressed, and celebrating with the kids. Much love!

Picture credit.

Choosing Truth

When all else is lost, when there is nothing -- no solace, no healing, no relief, and no hope -- the only thing we can do is rely on the truth.

This I know: There is one faith in this world that promotes love for all, a sense of responsibility for the least among us, a life of service and sacrifice intended to ease the suffering of others, a sense of community with those here and those who have gone beyond, and ultimately, a loving reward for those who choose to open their hearts to it. That is the Catholic faith.

When people say "God is enough" I think this is what they mean. It is enough that I hold to the truth and am faithful to it, to the best of my limited ability, even in my weakness. It guarantees nothing...nothing except forgiveness of my sins and the gates opening for me. And that is enough.

It is enough that I believe. That I try. That I continue on and let Truth guide my choices.

In so many ways, control is an illusion, a First World promise that fails to deliver. Christianity does not promise me prosperity in this life, success in business or relationships, comfort, physical health, or happiness. Millions of Christians around the world are suffering and have no way to stop the pain or protect the ones they love from physical or emotional harm. Truth is all they have. Eternity is their only promise.

To have expectations for anything different is a fallacy and a lie.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. There is really never a time when I want to clean the darn kitchen. During the day I think to myself, eh, I'll do it after dinner. After dinner I think, eh, I'll do it after the kids are in bed. Then I am tired and think, eh, I'll do it in the morning. So when I wake up I come downstairs and this is what greets me:

So I think, eh, I'll do it after breakfast....

2.  I have decided not to push my 10 year old son to do his homework. My son is brilliant and wonderful, but struggles with ADHD. He simply will NOT do what he doesn't want to do. We had three weeks of battles wherein I used the wooden spoon to motivate him, and then I decided: This is not the mom I want to be. This is not the relationship I want to have. This is not the environment I want in my home. Homework is only worth 10% of his grade, so I have decided I will keep up with the assignments on teacher's blogs and Homework Hotline but leave it up to him if he is going to actually do it or not. I will concentrate my energy on studying for tests and helping him with special projects. It has been wonderfully freeing and really helped me feel more love for him because we are not in a constant war anymore.

3. Due to food intolerances among family members, digestive issues for me, and a special diet to help with the ADHD, we have been trying to stick to a gluten-free and dairy-free diet, and I can't do eggs either. I have been frequenting Paleo blogs and relying on my Nourishing Traditions cookbook to make the most nutrient-dense and gut-healthy meals I can, given these restrictions. A typical day consists of the following:

ME

Breafast: Homemade zucchini muffins using soaked rice flour, almond meal, and substituting flax seed for eggs, black tea, bacon

Snack: Rice crackers with kefir cheese, cucumber and smoked salmon

Lunch: salad with red pepper, cucumber, carrots, goat cheese, almonds and chicken breast, balsalmic vinegar and oil dressing (or last night's leftovers)

Snack: Fruit or corn chips with guacamole

Dinner: Beef meatballs made with shredded zucchini and garlic in  marinara sauce, roasted vegetables

Snack: homemade yogurt with walnuts, apples and a drizzle of honey

KIDS

Breakfast: gluten free peanut butter sandwiches 

Snack: Uncookies (peanut butter, egg, banana, baking soda and chocolate chips)

Lunch: chopped ham or salami slices, carrots, grapes

Snack: Fruit leather or gluten-free granola bar

Snack: chips and salsa

Snack: apple

Snack: banana and peanut butter

Snack: carrots and hummus

Dinner: hot dog, snap peas, rice (very rarely, what I've cooked)

Snack: nuts and raisins

It's limited, and there's waaaay to much reliance on nuts. I still don't think it's where it needs to be, but it is a huge improvement from when I was pregnant, and I'd rather they snack on nuts than chips or cereal, so there's that.

4. I am not going to volunteer in my kids classrooms this year, or teach catechism. It was a hard decision, but I chose instead to do an ENDOW class on the Letter to Women and start up my volunteering with Catholic Charities Archdiocesan Housing again. My priorities right now have to be my own spiritual nourishment and preserving time to run errands, go to doctor's appointments, and keep on top of the household. I feel at peace with the decision, even though I would like to be able to do more.

5. My daughter's American Heritage Girls uniform  and handbook finally arrived! We are so excited and have already started working on her first badge, in the Arts Frontier. I am really hoping that this gives her a taste of the pride and satisfaction that comes from working hard to earn something.

6. I watched Les Miserables over the last three nights in one hour increments after the kids were in bed. Magnificent! My favorite part was how God and the Church were presented in a positive light as the source of hope and renewal, rather than as backwards hypocrites or sexual predators. It saddens me that the secular culture is so anti-Catholic that I honestly expected to see negative portrayals of my faith, and was pleasantly surprised when I didn't. 

7. Please pray for me. I am still struggling in many ways.

For more Quick Takes visit Jen!

Fast and Pray

I am feeling very hopeless about Syria this week, because while I agree with Pope Francis that the answer is for all the involved parties to put down their arms, forgive the past, and build a relationship for the future based on trust and mutual respect, the sad truth is: I can't even do that in my own relationships, so to expect it of people who have watched their children suffer and die and lived for decades under a repressive government is just so impossible that it's ridiculous to suggest it.

Which is precisely why Pope Francis calls for a day of prayer and fasting this Saturday.

Because it's not the Syrians who are going to be able to do this by themselves. The power of God is the only thing that can achieve it.

How blessed we are to belong to a Church that calls on us (the Brothers and Sisters of those suffering)  and asks that we participate in the miracle our world so desperately needs.

Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for us.

Image Source.

I have been in new-baby land, sleep deprived and overwhelmed, feeling like everything I do is falling short in one way or another. And I don't want to post about my struggles, because that's a downer. But I don't have much else to write about because I have no thoughts other than "Lord, I really need some fun in my life, please help me figure out how to get it." and "Oh crap I forgot to [insert task here]."

People are looking at my harried, tired expression as I push the double stroller containing a messy, mismatched toddler and a squalling infant who needs to be fed while my older kids follow behind, bickering. Some of them are holding doors open for me and saying things like, "You've got your hands full!" Others say nothing, but I feel they are thinking, "Yowza, I'm glad I'm not her."

And part of me feels like I need to tell them they're wrong, that my hands are not full, that anyone can handle four kids. I feel like I am a walking illustration for those Catholics who mock/reject Church teaching on NFP as burdensome and unattainable. I feel shame for not presenting the perfect, happy portrait of a mom with four children in the joy of young motherhood. I feel like I'm letting someone down...not sure who...it's just there, hanging over me, like I should be better at this because I have a house cleaner and two babysitters and a husband who pitches in.

God always seems to send me balm when I am smarting. Today I read this post and wanted to share it with all of you:

http://abigails-alcove.blogspot.com/2013/07/on-bookshelf-jim-gaffigans-dad-is-fat.html

Thank you, Abigail, for expressing this so nicely!

The joy of a new boy!

Our sweet new baby arrived at the end of June, praise God! He came about a week before his due date, on the feast day of St. JoseMaria Escriva, which made me incredibly happy, as St. JoseMaria is my Saint for the Year as chosen in January by Jen Fulwiler's Saint Generator. How's that for God's hand at work?

Since his arrival I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. I am so thankful to God that he is healthy and strong. I am so glad the pregnancy is over and my health, energy, and functionality has returned! I am so grateful to all those who prayed for me and the baby, brought us meals, sent money so we could hire help, and took care of us when we couldn't.

Things are much better now that the baby is here. Of course, now that the baby is here I suddenly have four children, and WOW, is there a learning curve. I talked with a good friend of mine (who will be this baby's Godmother) with six kids, and she said flat out that there's a huge difference between three kids and four. "Don't let anyone fool you," she told me. "Four kicks your butt."

Yep. But in a good way.

So I have been completely overwhelmed and busy in a way that I don't ever remember being busy before. I have also gotten help in the form of a weekly house cleaner, a morning babysitter, an afternoon babysitter who drives, and disposable diapers. I might get to the point where I am ready to switch to cloth, but for right now I am acknowledging my weakness and my limitations and I am simply letting that go.

My mood is all over the place. I am seeing a new therapist who is helping me learn Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills. I am neither Bipolar nor suicidal, but I do believe my depression is largely situational rather than chemical. We will try this method (which has had success with severely depressed patients) and see how I respond.

The good news is that now that I am no longer pregnant, my nausea has completely disappeared and I can concentrate on putting real, nutritious food into my body instead of driving through Steak and Shake every day for a double cheeseburger and fries. I am a big advocate of natural healing through real food. Part of my pregnancy depression stemmed from my powerlessness to eat the way I believe is optimally healthy. Now that the baby is out, the whole family is gluten-free and organic. I'm not saying food is the only answer, but I definitely believe it has an impact on my energy level, my mood, and my ability to deal with everything that's on my plate. Plus, it tastes good! I am so happy to enjoy my meals and cook again.

The older kids are in love with their new brother and are constantly begging to hold him, kiss him, and pet him. The joy he brings with his arrival is such a blessing.

I'm typing this post while nursing, of course, and listening to my sweet little newborn sigh and slurp. Is there anything sweeter than a brand new baby?

Government protected freedom is only half the battle

A great article form First Things that discusses the two different forms of slavery we as humans experience: external and internal.

In the modern West, people generally think of slavery, captivity, and the need for liberation in Orwell’s sense, rather than Huxley’s. Our vision of freedom is primarily socio-political, with the greatest threat to human flourishing being the other, whether the Nazi, the slave-owner, or the autocrat. Oppression comes through pain, not pleasure; the essence of liberty is to be without external constraint. Humans are free if they are able to choose, to will their own future, to decide for themselves what they will do with their lives. By this definition, modern Westerners are all free, with the exception of prisoners and the incapacitated.

Many of the ancients saw things more like Huxley. In what could be called a more religious or philosophical vision of liberty, the greatest threat to human flourishing is the lack of wisdom, phronesis, or virtue. Whereas moderns understand freedom in terms of unconstrained individual choices, many ancients regarded the forces underlying individual choices—passions and desires which might in turn be foolish, selfish, or carnal, much like those depicted in Brave New World—as something from which people needed to be freed.

This is an important distinction to make, and one that has contributed to the demise of my respect for liberal politics. The modern consensus seems to be that if we only remove barriers to economic and social freedom (poverty, inequality, discrimination, etc.) that people will have all the tools they need to succeed. The reality is significantly different, and an exploration of every well-intended campaign from welfare to housing projects to affirmative action reveals that government efforts to level the playing field do not necessarily correspond to an improvement in the lives of those who directly benefit.

This is not to say that government assistance programs or the global fight for universal freedom are mistakes, but rather that they are insufficient. They are only the first step, and they are not effective unless they are accompanied by a strong network of moral authority, teaching of values, and religious freedom.

Yet if the human is to be seen as body and soul, physical and spiritual, object and subject, political and religious, then our vision of freedom needs to incorporate both modern and ancient perspectives as well. The fact that the state is best equipped to promote political freedom, which I take for granted, does not mean that it is the only sort of freedom there is.

In fact in many cases, a more lasting and complete success results when a religious organization implements an assistance program that is funded by the government. As  this  article in Philanthropy Magazine states: "Most likely, faith-based groups’ success is attributable to all these factors: clear moral teaching; personalized, loving, face-to-face assistance; dependable emotional support over the long haul and the sense of connectedness this engenders; and the experience of a personal relationship with a loving, listening, forgiving God that strengthens the individual’s confidence and infuses new hope." 

It is this reality that the HHS mandate is threatening. By limiting a faith-based organization's ability to partner with government to serve those in need, the government is in essence saying that the moral guidance religion provides is not only less important than the basic freedoms (or license) provided by the government, but that religion's moral teachings are actually in opposition to these freedoms and need to be regulated to assure our citizen's rights.

This could not be further from the truth, and represents a real danger not only to faith-based charities but to our society as a whole. There are NO examples in history where state-imposed morality has achieved a better society than a democratic system run by a citizenry that values religion. It is certainly the system that our founding fathers envisioned, in their wisdom. It is the system the USCCB is attempting to preserve with its efforts during this second Fortnight of Freedom to preserve the role of the Church in the political realm. It is the reason why the Church is standing up and speaking Truth despite attacks from all sides, despite the vilification and accusations of bigotry, bullying, and evil.

All of which means that, if we are representing Jesus properly, there will be times when our work looks very similar to that of a secular human rights organization, as we seek release for captives. But there will also be times, if we are representing Jesus properly, when we look utterly inexplicable to those same organizations for our incessant talk of freedom from sin, the flesh, and the self. Many today, like citizens of the Capitol in The Hunger Games and the Judeans in John 8, will look puzzled and tell us that they have no particular need of freedom, because they have never been enslaved to anyone. “But anyone who sins,” we will reply, “is a slave to sin. And if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

Church and State

A fantastic article about the proper role of the Church in relation to government from Ignitum Today: The Church Should Rule the World

I'm going to have the Tears for Fears song stuck in my head now for the rest of the day....

Government and Freedom

To those who protest the legalization of Same Sex Marriage, I ask the question: What are you trying to accomplish?

The common answer (which I have seen marvelously expressed by people much smarter than I, see end of this post) is "To protect marriage for the sake of children, families, and society." A very laudable goal, and one that we should all pursue. But I don't think opposing the Federal legalization of gay marriage is the way to achieve it.

Look, I completely agree with Catholic teaching in this regard, and believe wholeheartedly in a lifelong union of one man and one woman for the purpose of creating a stable unit in which to raise their biological children. This is God's plan for us. The Catholic Church's teachings on sexuality represent the only approach that fully integrates body, soul, and spirit the way God intended us humans to operate.

HOWEVER, we live in a fallen world. Our technologies have already divorced sex from procreation, and our laws have already established that individuals have the right to bring children into their lives in any manner they choose. (Again, this is wrong. It is wrong to conceive a child from an affair; children deserve to live with both parents in a stable family unit. It is wrong to use a surrogate in India to gestate your biological children; women deserve more than to be used for their body parts. It is wrong to use contraception, abortion, IVF, or visit a sperm bank; children are a blessing, not a commodity to be acquired in the exact manner and timing we wish.) The Church has consistently spoken out against contraception, abortion, fetal stem cell research, divorce, premarital sex, and a host of other ills plaguing our society. Yet our government continues to prize individual freedom over morality or societal stability, and will continue to do so as long as we operate under our Constitution, because that is the system we have set up.

The fact is, same sex couples have access to all the same methods of procreation as infertile heterosexual couples or single parents. They can use a surrogate and DNA from one partner, they can visit a sperm bank, they can adopt both internationally and domestically, and they can bring biological children into the union from previous relationships. Children are a part of same sex marriages, period. And because this is the case, those children need the protection of law. 

I hear what you are saying. But the government should protect those children without redefining marriage and weakening the family structure that is BEST for children!

There really isn't a way for the government to do that. There's nothing that mimics marriage, which is precisely why we are having this fight. Contracts and wills do not protect the union itself, they just articulate the division of assets if the union ends (through death or otherwise.) Marriage is unique in its ability to provide for the protection of each individual in the relationship as well as those dependent upon it. Civil Unions do not afford tax breaks to promote raising children, or mandate that insurance companies and businesses provide coverage to spouses without paying jobs (either because they are disabled or taking care of dependents), or allow immigration protection for the partners. And only marriage prioritizes the couple as the primary guardians of the children in their care.

It's indisputable that it's best for children to be raised by their biological parents in a loving home. Children deserve that, and it's a tragedy when anything interferes with it. But same sex marriage is not the only impediment to the family unit. The family has been broken for a long, long time. In fact, just like adopted parents, step-parents, or single parents, same sex couples can actually be part of the solution. We can't come at this issue without acknowledging the reality of many situations where a same sex couple would be the better choice of parents for a child than his/her biological parent due to abuse, addiction, or abandonment. Reality does not always reflect the ideal, and government does a very poor job of providing for the emotional and spiritual needs of broken families. This is where the Church is so incredibly important, and where the government should be supporting Church efforts to build responsible and caring communities.

But it's important that Christians are free to express our beliefs. Our rights are protected under the First Amendment. The government can't make a law that takes away our rights in order to grant rights to another group.

Yes, and this is the real fight. The Church is not going to amend official teaching on God's plan for human relationships because it is the Truth. And it is GOOD for society to have strong religious influences that are active participants in government. The government needs to protect religious freedom and the ability of individuals to express their religious beliefs in the public square, without allowing that expression to take away the individual freedoms of other groups of people (like those with SSA.)

We must admit that the Church (and by Church I mean All People Who Love God) has not done a very good job of communicating Truth with Love on this issue. When we kick the children of a lesbian couple out of Catholic school, refuse to rent rooms in a Bed and Breakfast to a lesbian couple, or refuse to bake a cake for a same sex wedding, I have to ask again, what are we trying to accomplish?

Again, the common answer is that we are standing up for our beliefs that marriage is between a man and a woman and the choices of those with Same Sex Attraction (SSA) should not infringe upon our rights as Christians to practice our faith.

Friends, does anyone truly believe that refusing to allow a dying man's life-partner into his hospital room is showing the love of Christ? Or that by refusing to "celebrate" a gay couple's marriage, that we are in any way standing up for Christ, who ate at the home of sinners, tax collectors, and prostitutes at a time when to do so was seen as legitimizing their sins and even being tarnished with them Himself? In His time, even talking to someone outside the established frame of the Judaic community was to soil Himself, yet he freely addressed the Woman at the Well to show us that interacting with sinners neither supports their sin nor makes us sinners ourselves. Providing flowers for a same-sex wedding is NOT equivalent to standing up at that wedding as a Christian witness. From what I've read about the florist, she is a faithful Christian and a very loving person. She is countersuing the State after being ordered to provide the flowers. I admire her, and yet I disagree with her choice in this instance.

There is a reason why the general consensus is that speaking out against same-sex marriage is hate speech. It's because those with SSA feel hated. They are not welcome in our parishes or schools. They are called "disordered." They are shamed, and subject to slurs and violence. Doesn't this sound like a group of people who require the protection of our government?

It is as much a violation of freedom to force a Christian baker to make a cake for a same sex wedding as it is to force a Christian Scientist to vaccinate their children, or an OB/GYN to perform abortions when that's against his beliefs. People have to be free to refuse to participate in an activity they find objectionable.

Yes, to an extent. It's helpful here to explore what we're talking about. In the case of Christian Scientists, the government has rightfully determined that children are the responsibility of their parents. So even the law mandating education is tempered by State laws that allow for homeschooling, religious-based schools, and the like.  The government allows parents to direct their children's care as long as the children's lives and individual human rights are not being threatened. (Ideally. There are plenty of errors and instances where the government WAY oversteps its bounds.) But gay couples are not children. We have no jurisdiction to govern the choices they make. In the case of an OB/GYN who does not want to perform abortions, we are talking about ending a human life, which is far different than baking a cake. Let's compare apples to apples.

How about this scenario? Someone comes to a baker wanting an erotic cake, or a cake soaked with rum or other alcohol. Say the baker objects to erotic cakes on moral grounds, or is a recovering alcoholic and does not want to use alcohol in their store. Is that different than refusing to bake a wedding cake for a same sex couple? Shouldn't those bakers have the right to define the terms of their service?

Or what about a photographer who does not want to photograph a same sex wedding? If someone wanted a professional to photograph them defiling a religious statue, or giving birth, or having sex, does the photographer have to participate no matter what his/her personal feelings?

Again, to an extent, the professional must have the right to refuse. However, in the case of erotic or alcoholic cakes, the baker can make a blanket policy and never bake those kind of cakes. That's different than a wedding cake baker who says "I make wedding cakes, but only for weddings I approve of." Does the photographer take pictures of births, but refuse to do out-of-wedlock births or interracial births? The difference is when the professional objects to the activity itself vs the persons who are conducting the activity. That's why the government has consistently defined this as discrimination, and has fined or otherwise penalized professionals who refuse their services to same sex couples.

But two people of the same gender cannot make a marriage, so it IS the action to which these professionals are objecting and not the people who are doing it. The florist served the individual members of the gay couple by selling flowers to them on previous occasions, she just declined to do their wedding because the wedding went against her beliefs.

Back to the question I've asked twice now: What are we trying to accomplish? Because we are NOT accomplishing it by opposing Federal legalization of same sex marriage or refusing to bake cakes for same sex weddings. In states with referendums upholding traditional marriage, legislators are overturning the will of the people to grant protections to same sex couples, precisely because we Christians are creating a hostile environment.

Yes, I say "we Christians" because there are no other groups opposing same sex marriage. I am very familiar with Christ's teachings on how the world will hate us, and twist everything we say, and reject us, and persecute us. It is not to avoid persecution that I am advocating a switch in our focus. I still expect great persecution because our message will not change. But surely we can see that the tactics we have tried (influencing government policy, advocating for laws that protect marriage, protesting gay rights) are not only NOT WORKING but are actually working against our ability to show love, hospitality, compassion, and caring to those who struggle with SSA?  

This is one of the primary challenges we face as Christians. How do we speak the truth with love, stand up for our beliefs without oppressing others, and live in the world without being a part of it? Honestly, I find living my beliefs to be the easiest part of being a Christian. It's the interacting with those who don't share those beliefs that is so tricky, and such a balancing act.

I'm sure we all have friends who have used IVF. We all know someone who is divorced. We all have people in our families who oppose Christian values. How do we treat these people? How do we love them?

These are weighty matters that require us to exercise thought, prayer, patience, gentleness, and humility. None of us has the right answer for every circumstance, but hopefully over the course of our lives we strike the proper balance and prove ourselves faithful to God's plan for us.

These are some of the best posts I've read on this subject:

Meaning and Purpose of Marriage - Catholic Register
The Difficulty of Engaging Gay Marriage - Bad Catholic
A Defense of Marriage, Or Not - LetLoveBeSincere
A Conversation With my Gay Friend - Conversion Diary
If it's Broken Why Defend it? - VoxNova
A Question on Temptation - Catholic Register
SSM and Infertility - Catholic Moral Theology
Marriage and Historical Inevitability Parts 1-3 - Ross Douthat for the NYT

Good sites for explaining the value of Traditional Marriage:
USCCB page on Same Sex Unions
Ruth Institute
Manhattan Declaration

7 Quick Takes: Electronics Edition

Since I've been laid up at home with hyperemesis, I have watched my family's reliance on electronic devices skyrocket, so here on 7 Quick Takes Friday I bring unsourced, non-quotable random thoughts on this situation.

7 Things I Have Learned About Electronic Devices, and What I Plan to Do About It

1. They are unnecessary.
One home computer and a cell phone can achieve every function of an iPad, eReader, iPhone, etc. yet each member of the family has their own (or two, or three) devices. We have even replaced working devices with new ones over the past 6 months! To me, this is the epitome of excess consumerism. My 9 year old has been begging for his own iPhone for almost a year now because, well, why not? Why shouldn't he have his own little screen to play around with, get text messages on, do email, download solitaire and chess apps, play his music on iTunes, etc etc etc? How can I communicate "need" vs "privilege" to my children when we are surrounded by unnecessary objects?

2. They promote selfishness.
There have been many articles written about the social impact of every individual attuned to their particular electronic world. Even within the family home or car, each member has his own music, her own movie, his own shows/blogs/magazines. There is no further need for compromise or patience. When my husband was a child and his family took 18 hour car trips from CO to MI, they took turns listening to each others' music. My dad learned to appreciate Elton John and Jim Taylor, even though at the time all he wanted was to listen to Thriller over and over again. Are we doing ourselves, or our children, any favors when we provide them with vehicles that instantly and constantly cater to their individual needs? Is this so we don't have to share? So we don't have to compromise what we want, or think of others, or learn patience as we wait for our turn?

3. Their components are toxic.
Here's a (somewhat sensationalist) article about common raw materials required for our electronic devices. Where do these items go when we get rid of them? They don't vanish into the ether. Matter does not disappear. Either they pollute our Earth or they are a health risk to the low-wage unskilled workers whose unenviable job it is to take such things apart for their valuable components.

4. They use up precious resources.
All our devices require metals, like gallium, indium, copper, platinum, zinc, nickel and phosphorous.
These resources, once gone, cannot be replenished. The cycle promotes an unhealthy use and abuse of other countries. From the above article:

Resource use has become a global geopolitical issue. By way of example, Mr Reller said China holds a lot of mineral sources, but it is short in copper. “If you follow Chinese politics, you’ll see they are in Africa; they go where they find copper.” 

We have seen this before, with diamonds, coal, and gold. Wealthy Westerners come in, hire up the available labor force to extract what we want from their land, more often than not with no sense of community and no building of permanent infrastructure, fracturing families and cultural life, until the resource is drained. Then we leave, taking no responsibility for the people whose livelihoods are now compromised or the land which has been entirely destroyed. Each new cell phone, each new TV, each new appliance supports this situation because the demand for resources is so great.

5. They make us slaves to information.
Can any of us ever stop checking our devices for updates? It is a fiction that we have learned all the news from the day and can turn off our devices without "missing something." The constant stream of information that is coming to us through our electronics is robbing us of our ability to rest. We have to play games with each other now to get an hour for a meal with friends. We have to be in contact with our offices while on vacation. We cannot ever feel that we have read enough or researched enough because there is always more, always another opinion, another study, another article, another source to check. Spiritually, we recognize the need for silence, but only recently has neurobiology caught up to the idea. It turns out that boredom, the result of inactivity or non-stimulating activity (like washing dishes, knitting, walking a familiar path) are critical to our minds' functionality. If we are constantly taking in information, we have no time to process it. We retain less, we are more stressed, and we are less capable of deep, reflective thought. For more, read The Shallows by Nicholas Carr, which I can't recommend enough.

6. They diminish personal socialization and shared experience.
Even sixty years ago, our hobbies and entertainment were much more limited. A movie theater showed one or two movies at a time, not ten. There were, even in the best cities, limited theaters and halls. The TV had 5-10 channels, not 1000. There were three or four respected news sources, and a dedicated person could spend an hour or two and read them all. 50 million people watched the Cosby Show every week. Now, our experiences are completely different from each other, and the most popular shows can't get more than a tenth of that viewership. I have to make an effort to read the same blogs and same newspaper as my husband, because otherwise we exist in entirely separate worlds. (As Fr. Robert Barron mentions in this video commentary.) Our experiences revolve around the latest meme (have you seen this great Tumblr?) or some other internet phenomenon that we experience privately with strangers.

7. It encourages a cheap, disposable society.
The US no longer manufactures much of anything. It's just not cost effective. When a company sells four billion devices in one quarter, their bottom line is best served by churning out as many products as they can as cheaply as possible. This means outsourcing, cutting benefits, cutting corners, and lowering the quality. Why not? Consumers will throw away their devices within two years for the next iteration, so they don't have to be built to last. I've written on this before, because it permeates our culture. It is more important to wear the latest fashion than to find a quality garment you can keep for years. It is more important to have something "new" than something quality. The very rich among us buy new AND quality, and by quality I mean "brand name." We consume so much that in our culture it's considered doing a good deed to drive your cast offs to a donation center like Goodwill instead of simply chucking them in the garbage. OK, I'll grant you that it's better to donate than throw away, but a "good deed?" No. It's more like the least one can expect of a decent human being. A good deed is buying something new for the poor and doing with your old stuff for a bit longer.

So, finding myself with four iPhones, a plasma TV, two regular TVs, a home computer, a Macbook, an iPad, 3 video gaming systems, a portable DVD player, streaming Netflix, a DVR, a Kindle, On Demand movies and shows, streaming audio via Rhapsody, and 3 CD players, what do I do to gain perspective and control over our electronic devices?

1. Limit screen time. Kids have to earn 20 beads for a 1/2 hour show or video game. Beads are earned by helping around the house.

2. Limit devices. We are getting rid of two iPhones, one TV, and two gaming systems. We don't need redundant devices.

3. Choose to limit my own surfing and reading. Spend no more than an hour in the morning checking blogs and writing emails. Make use of Read Later and Evernote to mark interesting articles for perusal in doctor's waiting rooms and the like.

4. Limit phone calls in public so I can interact with strangers and smile at cashiers.

5. Recycle, donate, or buy used as much as possible. I try to do this with non-electronic items as well.

6. Live with things that don't work perfectly (our microwave makes a buzzing noise that does not affect its performance but makes heating something up incredibly irritating.) My iPhone button isn't working right, and I often have to press it three or four times to get the screen I want. It also doesn't have Face Time. OH NOES!

7. Prohibit devices at the table during dinner time. I AM SO GUITY OF THIS and am the first person who needs to take this lesson to heart!!

More Quick Takes at Camp Patton this week!

Quick Update

I wanted to thank everyone, most sincerely, for their words of encouragement and support.

I am doing okay. I talked with my OB and my husband, and given the risks we decided not to pursue meds at this point in my pregnancy. I have seen a nurse psychiatrist and we have agreed to meet again before I am due to discuss postpartum medications and other options.

Right now I am taking a high dose of fish oil (emulsified fermented cod livers from this source) which is surprisingly palatable. I won't say I look forward to it every day or anything, but I do not gag or fear my dose, which I know keeps many people away from fish oil. The flavor I bought is peppermint, and I swear, it tastes like peppermint. If anything lingers after I take the dose, it is not fishy, and that is good!

Everyone is keeping an eye on me, and I've had more than one person offer to come stay and help out at home if I need it.

My meals from Church ended last Friday (woe!) and that is currently by biggest obstacle. I need to eat, really really need to eat in order to function without nausea, but cooking is exhausting and most food is still disgusting to me. So we're working on creative ways to get me through this particular challenge. Ideally, my husband would come home early now that he has his own business, but that might not always be possible.

At any rate, prayers are appreciated. Thank you all so much for your love and concern.

Do No Harm

I've been seriously thinking about deleting this blog. I'm still praying about it. I thought when I started it that it might help me (and possibly others) solidify a ministry to the poor while living the normal, every day life of a fairly-typical American. My life is such a shambles right now that I'm the one who's poor and needs outreach.

For so long I thought that it didn't matter if I were a sinner, that if I just trusted God and kept moving forward, in faithfulness to His word and with the intention of serving Him, that He would show me the way and help me on it.

It doesn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I keep praying that God will fill my heart with love so I can pour it out onto my family, but I don't receive any. I try to talk with friends and family about what I'm going through, and they are all impatient with me for my weaknesses. No one is helping.

My therapist has run out of things to say, except that he understands, he knows why I feel hopelessness and despair, and that his door is always open. It is wonderful to have someone say they care. But if even the professionals have no advice for me, I really feel like I'm at an endpoint here.

God has promised to be with me to the end of time. I suppose He was with Hitler, too. And the men who flew into the Trade Center. And the Jews who died in the Holocaust, and the innocent people who died on 9/11. I'm not really sure what that does, having God "with me." It doesn't stop people from doing evil things, or from having evil done to them.

I can't keep the anger at bay any more. Or the sadness. I am a walking mess. It feels like this is depression, that possibly I need medication or something. And I wonder, what does someone do who has no access to medical care?

I know what they do. They drink until they don't feel anymore. And if they can't get drink, they turn to violence because violence helps them feel powerful. It helps them feel control when they can't control themselves or their situation.

If anything comes from this, I at least will know firsthand the reason why people do evil things. "There but for the grace of God, go I."

Upcoming Conclave

I have been spending the morning reading about the contenders for our new Pope. Mostly, it's John Allen who is leading the discussion. His daily Papabile posts are collected here, for anyone who has missed them:

Cardinal Scola
Cardinal Sandri
Cardinal Tagle
Cardinal Scherer
Cardinal Erdo
Cardinal Shonborn
Cardinal Ravasi
Cardinal Turkson
Cardinal Ranjith
Cardinal Sarah
Cardinal Rodriguez

I greatly appreciate his informative and balanced analysis of each of these leaders. What I come away with, after reading them all, is a deep sense of gratitude that we have so many excellent contenders. Each of these men are extremely learned, deeply in love with the Church, and capable of great acts of love and leadership. Not one has struck me as a "disaster" should he be chosen.

It's the main reason why I am approaching this conclave with a spirit of joy and expectation, rather than the feelings of dread, hopelessness, and disgust which accompany any American political election. I loved Pope John Paul II. I loved Papa Bene. I am confident I will love our new Pope as well. Also helping lift my spirits is my resolve to stay away from any secular coverage of the process or the men involved. Frankly, anything they can bring to the discussion is probably not worth knowing.

This is an exciting time for our Church, and one that gives us the opportunity to know better the men who form the top layer of Church authority. I confess I had read nothing about any of these men before I began this research. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn more about them, and about the Church in other parts of the world.

I had a conversation with a non-Catholic friend the other day who expressed utter shock that Catholicism was so large (1.2 billion.) In terms of proportion to population, Christianity is far and above the primary religion in the world, with over 2 billion adherents, of which half are Catholic and the other half are Protestant. Without the schism, the 1.5 billion Muslims in the world would be the second most populous denomination, instead of the first.

Last Conclave, I didn't read much about it, and though I followed the news on secular television on rejoiced when the white smoke appeared, I did not feel that I had a part in the process. This year, I am trilled to discover (hat tip to Better than Eden!) there is an opportunity to spiritually Adopt a Cardinal whom I can pray for during the Conclave.

I can't tell you how the whole-body wave of joy that swept over me when I discovered my Cardinal was from Africa! AFRICA!!! I received Robert Cardinal Sarah, of Guinea, himself a possible candidate for the papacy. I have printed out a picture of this beautiful man and am so excited to pray for the Holy Spirit to dwell within him during these upcoming weeks and guide the votes he casts.

Also, one final note. Whenever I watch any coverage of the Vatican I get goosebumps. Watching Pope  Benedict XVI fly over Rome on his way to the Castelgandalfo, I just felt so blessed to be able to witness it without having to actually live in Italy. And the sheer eye-candy of his final address to the Cardinals only enhanced the beauty of his words to them. The new media has brought challenges to our lives, but on the whole, it is such a marvelous tool to draw closer the varied and distant populations of our faith family. I am so grateful for everything today, for the Church, for the news, for our Pope Emeritus, and for the body of Cardinals who will choose the next occupant of the Chair of Peter. God Bless the Church!

It's about Forgiveness

This amazing article in the NY Times Magazine really struck me. It's the story of the Grosmaires, a Catholic family whose daughter, Ann, was murdered by her boyfriend and who decided to both forgive him and work concretely to reduce the sentence he would receive for the crime. They worked through a system called "restorative justice" which focuses on giving the accused a chance to participate in making amendment for the crime rather than simply "paying the price" for it.

Restorative justice consists of a meeting between the victim, the accused, law enforcement, a facilitator and sometimes affected family members. Everyone shares their experience of the crime and the damage it caused them, then the accused is given the opportunity to share what led to the crime and how they, too, were affected by it. Then the group decides, with input from everyone, what can be done going forward.

Usually restorative justice is used for property damage, theft, or other non-violent crimes. This is a landmark case where it was used successfully in a murder case.

The mediator, Sujatha Baliga, has her own inspiring story of forgiveness and learning to overcome anger. Everyone involved in the case has been touched by the approach.

It's very long, but filled with beautiful quotes like the following:

Ann’s face was covered in bandages, and she was intubated and unconscious, but Andy felt her say, “Forgive him.” His response was immediate. “No,” he said out loud. “No way. It’s impossible.” But Andy kept hearing his daughter’s voice: “Forgive him. Forgive him.”

Four days later, Ann’s condition had not improved, and her parents decided to remove her from life support. Andy says he was in the hospital room praying when he felt a connection between his daughter and Christ; like Jesus on the cross, she had wounds on her head and hand. (Ann had instinctually reached to block the gunshot, and lost fingers.) Ann’s parents strive to model their lives on those of Jesus and St. Augustine, and forgiveness is deep in their creed. “I realized it was not just Ann asking me to forgive Conor, it was Jesus Christ,” Andy recalls. “And I hadn’t said no to him before, and I wasn’t going to start then. It was just a wave of joy, and I told Ann: ‘I will. I will.’ ” Jesus or no Jesus, he says, “what father can say no to his daughter?”

Conor was prone to bursts of irrational rage. Ann never told her parents that he had struck her several times. Michael now feels, with searing regret, that he presented a bad example of bad-tempered behavior. “Conor learned how to be angry” is how he put it to me.

When it was Michael McBride’s turn to speak, sorrow overtook him and he told the group that if he had ever thought his shotgun would have harmed another person, he never would have kept it. Kate Grosmaire didn’t bring it up at the conference, but she says she has thought a lot about that gun. “If that gun had not been in the house, our daughter would be alive,” she told me.

As Conor told the story, Andy’s whole body began to shake. “Let me get this right,” he said, and asked Conor about Ann being on her knees. Baliga remembers Andy’s demeanor at this moment: “Andy is a very gentle person, but there was a way at that moment that he was extremely strong. There was just this incredible force of the strong, protective, powerful father coursing through him.” Conor answered, clarifying precisely how helpless Ann was at the moment he took her life.

The Grosmaires said they didn’t forgive Conor for his sake but for their own. “Everything I feel, I can feel because we forgave Conor,” Kate said. “Because we could forgive, people can say her name. People can think about my daughter, and they don’t have to think, Oh, the murdered girl. I think that when people can’t forgive, they’re stuck. All they can feel is the emotion surrounding that moment. I can be sad, but I don’t have to stay stuck in that moment where this awful thing happened. Because if I do, I may never come out of it. Forgiveness for me was self-preservation.”

Still, their forgiveness affected Conor, too, and not only in the obvious way of reducing his sentence. “With the Grosmaires’ forgiveness,” he told me, “I could accept the responsibility and not be condemned.” Forgiveness doesn’t make him any less guilty, and it doesn’t absolve him of what he did, but in refusing to become Conor’s enemy, the Grosmaires deprived him of a certain kind of refuge — of feeling abandoned and hated — and placed the reckoning for the crime squarely in his hands.  

Kate Grosmaire keeps asking herself if she has really forgiven Conor. “I think about it all the time,” she said. “Is that forgiveness still there? Have I released that debt?” Even as the answer comes back yes, she says, it can’t erase her awareness of what she no longer has. “Forgiving Conor doesn’t change the fact that Ann is not with us. My daughter was shot, and she died. I walk by her empty bedroom at least twice a day.”

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

An amazing post from a mother of 6 who suffered much more than I with her pregnancies: Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I completely understand everything she is talking about in this post; that's how my first and second babies were for me. Throwing up bile. Yep. I needed IVs every three days for dehydration. Oh, and the intolerance of any smells!

Things are definitely getting better for me this time around, but they are not good yet. I always hesitate to tell people I'm feeling "better" because the natural expectation is Oh, we'll be seeing her soon I guess! No. Better means I am not getting worse. Better means there are still 6 weeks to go before I can function and drive myself places and take care of my family. Better means that instead of having all-day, constant nausea that puts me on the verge of throwing up with every single bite of food, I have a few moments in the morning where I feel well enough to carry my laundry basket downstairs or sit at the table instead of lying on the couch. Better does NOT mean "all better."

Another thing that really resonated with me in Sarah's post is how much misunderstanding there is. When I was pregnant with my second and living with my mom, she kept pushing me to drink more water so I wouldn't be as dehydrated. I tried, in as few words as possible because talking made me throw up, to explain that every sip of water made my stomach seize and I had to drink slowly so I didn't throw up. And she said, "Well, Tienne, if the doctor told me to drink more water I would drink it, even if it made me throw up!" And I said, "What would that accomplish?" Because the truth of hyperemesis is that nothing helps. An empty stomach will make me throw up, but so will eating food. Drinking water would make me throw up (or Coke, or Gatorade, or milk, or juice, or Perrier, or Sprite, or Ginger Ale, or ANYTHING) yet if I didn't drink, I got dehydrated, and that made me throw up, too. You have no control over your body. There is NOTHING you can do to make it better.

I have been very fortunate with pregnancies #3 and #4 to have found a combination of medication and rest that works to keep me from throwing up, and yet every single moment of the day I am working on NOT throwing up. If I sneeze, my stomach seizes up, and I have to breathe gently and keep very still for a few minutes until it stops rumbling and clenching, or I will throw up. I try as much as possible to keep myself in that perfect state of "food in my stomach, but not overfull" so that if I do sneeze, or cough, or get startled by a bird flying into the window, my subsequent reaction is not to throw up. When I was pregnant with my second, I got word that my cousin had given birth to a baby girl, and I gasped in elated surprise. And threw up, just from that. I remember it vividly because I had been drinking a glass of milk, and it came out in one, horrible, gelatin-like chunk that wobbled when it hit the bucket.

It's not just the unpleasantness of throwing up that I'm trying to avoid. Sarah has a great line in her post that hits the nail on the head:

(One of the crappiest things about hyperemesis is that once you get to a certain dehydration level it is super hard to recover from it-and every symptom just gets worse and worse-it is a vicious cycle-it needs to be diagnosed early on.) 

For me, throwing up makes it more likely that I will throw up. My stomach will be more prone to seizing, my gag reflex will be more sensitive, my aversions will be stronger because every time I look at a certain food I will remember the taste and sensation of throwing it up, and I will be unable to eat it. My entire day revolves around trying to not throw up.

I don't experience hyperemesis the way I did with pregnancies #1 and #2 BECAUSE I am putting all my concentration into avoiding throwing up. My baby is actually getting the nutrition I consume because the food I eat is being processed through my digestive system instead of lining the sewer pipes. The most important work I do every day is keeping my food down.

It is very very long. We are on week eight of my illness. I know the light at the end of the tunnel is near. I can make it out, way in front of me. Every day brings me closer to the point where I will be functional again (at least for part of the day) and able to contribute to the family life that has been going on around me since November. The depression is bad, but it's an amazing thing...I can really feel God's grace surrounding me. It happened quite suddenly just after Christmas, like Jesus came along and lifted up a blanket that was smothering me, and I can breathe again.

The thing about an illness like this is that it's the same hope and encouragement you find in a tragedy like a school shooting or a famine. People want to help. They pull together and it brings out the best in humanity. They may not fully understand, but they still try; they still step forward and offer themselves. That's what I find so beautiful. What an expression of love for this baby to come into the world swaddled in the offerings of so many people, some of whom (like those at church who brought us meals) might never even meet the baby!

It is worth it. That's what I keep repeating to myself. It's all so worth it.