I've been seriously thinking about deleting this blog. I'm still praying about it. I thought when I started it that it might help me (and possibly others) solidify a ministry to the poor while living the normal, every day life of a fairly-typical American. My life is such a shambles right now that I'm the one who's poor and needs outreach.
For so long I thought that it didn't matter if I were a sinner, that if I just trusted God and kept moving forward, in faithfulness to His word and with the intention of serving Him, that He would show me the way and help me on it.
It doesn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I keep praying that God will fill my heart with love so I can pour it out onto my family, but I don't receive any. I try to talk with friends and family about what I'm going through, and they are all impatient with me for my weaknesses. No one is helping.
My therapist has run out of things to say, except that he understands, he knows why I feel hopelessness and despair, and that his door is always open. It is wonderful to have someone say they care. But if even the professionals have no advice for me, I really feel like I'm at an endpoint here.
God has promised to be with me to the end of time. I suppose He was with Hitler, too. And the men who flew into the Trade Center. And the Jews who died in the Holocaust, and the innocent people who died on 9/11. I'm not really sure what that does, having God "with me." It doesn't stop people from doing evil things, or from having evil done to them.
I can't keep the anger at bay any more. Or the sadness. I am a walking mess. It feels like this is depression, that possibly I need medication or something. And I wonder, what does someone do who has no access to medical care?
I know what they do. They drink until they don't feel anymore. And if they can't get drink, they turn to violence because violence helps them feel powerful. It helps them feel control when they can't control themselves or their situation.
If anything comes from this, I at least will know firsthand the reason why people do evil things. "There but for the grace of God, go I."