Friday, March 15, 2013

Do No Harm

I've been seriously thinking about deleting this blog. I'm still praying about it. I thought when I started it that it might help me (and possibly others) solidify a ministry to the poor while living the normal, every day life of a fairly-typical American. My life is such a shambles right now that I'm the one who's poor and needs outreach.

For so long I thought that it didn't matter if I were a sinner, that if I just trusted God and kept moving forward, in faithfulness to His word and with the intention of serving Him, that He would show me the way and help me on it.

It doesn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I keep praying that God will fill my heart with love so I can pour it out onto my family, but I don't receive any. I try to talk with friends and family about what I'm going through, and they are all impatient with me for my weaknesses. No one is helping.

My therapist has run out of things to say, except that he understands, he knows why I feel hopelessness and despair, and that his door is always open. It is wonderful to have someone say they care. But if even the professionals have no advice for me, I really feel like I'm at an endpoint here.

God has promised to be with me to the end of time. I suppose He was with Hitler, too. And the men who flew into the Trade Center. And the Jews who died in the Holocaust, and the innocent people who died on 9/11. I'm not really sure what that does, having God "with me." It doesn't stop people from doing evil things, or from having evil done to them.

I can't keep the anger at bay any more. Or the sadness. I am a walking mess. It feels like this is depression, that possibly I need medication or something. And I wonder, what does someone do who has no access to medical care?

I know what they do. They drink until they don't feel anymore. And if they can't get drink, they turn to violence because violence helps them feel powerful. It helps them feel control when they can't control themselves or their situation.

If anything comes from this, I at least will know firsthand the reason why people do evil things. "There but for the grace of God, go I."

10 comments:

Christina said...

Please don't give up! I read your blog and am encouraged by it and have been astounded by your undertakings in life. Have you talked to your therapist about being treated for Post Partum Depression? I know you don't know me and I suppose I don't truly know you, but I will pray for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry things are going so badly for you. I hope you will keep your blog going, even if you can't update it often; I always enjoy reading your posts.

Susan

Rebecca Fletcher said...

I hate to hear anyone feeling so very low. I will certainly pray for you.

"Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song." --Pope John Paul II

Ann said...

I would hate for you to stop blogging, because I enjoy it so much. But you need to take care of yourself.
I have been on medication for depression and it has helped me tremendously! In fact, I didn't even realize you could feel that good, or sleep that well.

Please give medication a try. I know it truly helped me (along with my therapy) and I know it was good for my family too.

Sending prayers.

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I am so, so sorry to hear that you're going through this, Tienne. For what it's worth, I have read every post you've written for years now and you've been a great inspiration to me. I can honestly say that I have done more to help the poor because of the thoughts you've shared on this blog.

You will be in my prayers!

LA said...

As some of the other posters say, your blog has inspired me to keep going. Perhaps a hiatus would help, but please keep it up! You don't know how helpful you've been to me. I pray you find the hope and strength that you need to go on.

Jessica Snell said...

Tienne, I'd hate to see your blog stop.

And, also, I'd hate to see you give up, anywhere. From my limited experience (I've had several close friends suffer from depression), this does sound like depression to me. I've seen treatment make a *huge* difference in the life of people I love, and I'd urge you to seek it. It's not a question of fault or guilt or anything; just brain chemistry. It's a fallen world, and this is part of that fallen-ness.

God give you grace upon grace, sweet lady.

Rae said...

I think perhaps the most harm (in terms of blogs) is done by those who think that they have it together enough to offer their blog as an apostolate. We are broken people.

Is there anything that any of us could possibly do to help you get access to medical care?

JUD said...

My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you. You have had some responses already. One more thing I want to say - I also read your second to last post. The name Bergoglio is not on the list! My advise - don't try to figure it all out, we can't! Nobody knew who was going to be pope. It is obvious now - but it wasn'nt last week. I have personal experience with depression and trying to figure out why things are as they are or why God does or doesn't do certain things doesn't help.
Wow didn't expect to read this in my spare Blog-reading time! I go on praying the rosary and I put you on my pray-for list, right before pope Franciscus.

Carla Dobs said...

I am praying for you my dear...

I started reading your blog before we adopted Henry and I hope to keep reading it now that he is in heaven...

Carla - Henry's mom