Happy New Year!

While I don't go in for New Year's Resolutions, I did think this Saint Finder by Jen is a fabulous thing. I got St. Ignatius of Antioch and since I've been wanting to read more of the early Church Fathers, I think he's a great place to start. I really love the idea of dedicating the year to the intercession of a Saint, and will absolutely be doing that today. Thanks Jen!

I do like developing a Word for the Year. Last year my word was "discipline" but honestly, I don't feel like I did much to work on it. Part of the problem is that I didn't have a plan, I just wanted to keep the word in mind and try to make better choices based on it. A couple weeks/months in, though, I lost sight of the word and bam, it was gone.

I did something new this year: I ordered new pages for my desk planner. They came with goals, values, and mission worksheets as well as weekly goal reminder pages that focus on the multiple "roles" we serve and ways in which we can improve each of them. I LOVE THIS. During the Christmas break, I've been reading through the instructions and thinking about each of my "roles", as well as pondering what our family mission statement might be.

What has me most excited is that this planner allows me a central repository to keep track of notes and progress, write down a monthly or weekly or even daily plan, and provide checks and measures for my goals. I need stuff like this. I have the tendency to overthink and get easily frustrated, which probably means I give up on things much earlier than I should. Planning out ahead of time and building in occasional progress checks should help keep me on track.

I know what my word ought to be this year (and maybe every year): ABANDONMENT. Abandon the self, abandon my illusion of control, abandon my plans and my needs. Allow those around me the freedom to be themselves, and put all my trust and hopes in the Lord.

I will soon have a newborn, which gives me ample opportunity for abandonment! My body is not my own, and likely won't be for another year. My time won't be my own, either. It may seem that my word for this year is the opposite of last year's (discipline), although I personally think it takes discipline to practice abandonment. When I want to rant on and on about my feelings and troubles to my husband, it takes discipline to abandon that want and instead ask, "Did you find a way to get those documents you needed for your case?" or even to allow my husband some silence. It takes discipline to fight the irritation I feel when I discover the kids have not put their toys away, and to abandon my schedule for vacuuming in order to wait for them to come home from school so they can participate in the housecleaning. It takes discipline to decide I must behave differently instead of following the same old patterns of the years before.

The hope of a New Year is such a beautiful thing, isn't it? So much promise and possibility. I love looking back at the Old Year, as well, and remembering where I was, where my children were, and the amazing changes everyone has undergone in that time. God is good, and all things good come from the Lord. May your New Year bring you closer to Him who is, and was, and ever shall be, AMEN!

Photo credit.

Unexpected Blessings

I am still here. Still very sick. Still unable to read without becoming very dizzy, thus the lack of posts. I literally have nothing to say, too, since my days are just spent surviving the nausea and being grateful that my mom is helping me out.

God is very good to me. The nausea is controlled and I really only suffer between 4 and 5 hours a day. The rest of the time I'm just very uncomfortable, which doesn't even count as suffering because I watch TV or talk to my mom or listen to a book on tape. Given that I suffered with my other two every waking hour, this is practically heaven. Not that I'm enjoying it. Though I am grateful to have something to offer up in the evenings.

And it's amazing how it brings my family together. My mom has been living with us for 6 weeks now (BLESS HER!) and running the house like a whiz. My kids are enjoying a special relationship with her because of this, and she and I have had the chance for many long talks and companionable hours.

Best of all, it's brought about a reconciliation with my father. Our relationship was never easy, and in the past year I decided that I was going to put my foot down and no longer allow myself to be forced into the role of "dutiful daughter" when inside I was anything but. I broached the subject with him over email and didn't make much progress, so I thought to myself, okay...time to put my money where my mouth is. I decided I was going to stop allowing him to visit whenever he wanted to.

Then I got pregnant. And next week, my mom will be taking a break from caring for me. I'll be on my own for 6 days, with no one to drive the kids to school and activities, clean and cook, and bring me soy milk while I throw up. She needs (and deserves) the break, and I don't begrudge it to her, but I literally cannot do anything but sit on the couch and eat with occasional good moments where I can check email and a couple blogs or make a phone call to a friend. I can't cook. I can't drive. I can't take care of my family. I need help.

Knowing this, my dad offered to come for the week my mom is gone. And immediately, my old feelings rose to the surface. Hadn't I decided I was going to put my foot down? Hadn't I decided it was time to stop giving in, so that our relationship could finally move past the unhealthy dynamic we've always had?

When I told him the reason I didn't want him to visit, we had a long conversation. We addressed many of our old issues head on, which I usually shy away from. In the end, we made significant progress.

As I hung up, it occurred to me that this was the moment where I had to decide what type of person I was going to be. If I was truly going to put my money where my mouth is, then I would have to completely forgive everything and begin anew as St. Elizabeth Ann Seton did, as described in this lovely post from Abigail. Or I could hold on to the person I was, my hurts and my judgments, and we'd never be able to move forward.

I have to say, Abigail's post has been rolling around in my heart for a few months now, and St. Elizabeth Ann Seton's example has inspired me. I'm going to pray to my little Elizabeth, named for this wonderful Saint, to give me the strength I need to completely erase my past relationship with my dad and greet him when he comes with the sort of love and open heart that is necessary for true growth and relationship.

God has made me sick and dependent for a reason. Perhaps it's to build my humility. Whatever the reason, I can't make unilateral decisions about my life course. For someone like me, who struggles with wanting to control everything, being forced into a position of utter dependence is a huge challenge for my spiritual growth. I am encouraged, though, that I will receive from it the lessons God wants to write on my heart, and emerge a more faithful and devoted servant to Him whom I love above all.

Picture credit.

Feast Day

Today is the feast day of one of my patron Saints: St. Frances of Rome. Our presider today said a few things about her, mainly that she had been married, had three kids (two died in infancy) and upon her husband's death dedicated herself to serving the poor.

What has always resonated with me, though, is her treatment of her marriage. Married to an unbeliever, and under the authority of those who thought her values were ridiculous, she neither gave up her faith nor turned to bitterness or spite. She didn't reproach her indolent family members or grow angry with her pagan husband. Instead, she embraced their expectations for her and willingly took up the roles of mistress of the household, Roman socialite, and devoted mother. By the end of her life, she had seen numerous miracles, including those that brought about the conversion of her husband and father-in-law, and been consoled with the presence of angels and visions of heaven.

Her life speaks to me of the two truths I struggle with most.

1. God's will happens in His time.
2. I serve God best by living wholeheartedly the life I have been given.

As she once said: "A married woman must often leave God at the altar to find Him in her household care."

St. Frances of Rome, by your tremendous example, help us to be obedient to God's will, to care for the people He puts in our lives, and to persevere with hope and faith through all our sufferings. Ask that the Lord might enflame us with zeal for His work and His people, as He enflamed your soul on earth. Guide us to good habits and assist us in those tasks we most dread. In God's name, we pray. AMEN.