Consistent Ethic of Love: Humility

My MIL paid me the nicest compliment the other day. While helping me get ready for a special dinner out, she looked at the clothes we were trying to form into a nice outfit and said, "You could look like a model but you don't have anything to wear that's model-like."

The compliment was in both parts of that statement, because although I'm very flattered she thinks I'm pretty enough to be paid for it, what really pleases me is that we didn't find anything in my closet that would announce "Look at me, I am rich and beautiful."

It's not that I don't love fashion. Or that I don't want to look nice. I do take care with my appearance. But mostly what I have in my closet are things people have given to me as a gift, because I have made the conscious decision not to spend our money on clothes for myself. The last time I bought myself something, it was with Kohl's Cash (don't you love Kohl's?)I earned from shopping for Christmas gifts, so I was limited to whatever they had available at the store that week. Everything else I buy for myself is usually from a thrift store.

Why is this related to taking the poor with me? Because it requires humility. When I receive a gift of clothing (whether it's my style or not,) it is now part of my closet. If I ask for a pair of khakis and receive a pair of jeans, I don't go out and buy khakis. When I have a special dinner, I have to choose from what I already have, and if my most favorite shoes, a gift from my sister, don't match anything in my closet, then I have to compromise and "make it work" with whatever I can find. Or I have to wait until I spy something at the thrift store.

There is a poorness of spirit inherent in living humbly and allowing myself to be dressed by others, as the poor must often do. Detachment from material goods is a necessary component of true Christian spirituality, as St. Francis of Assisi describes:

"...the treasure of blessed poverty is so surpassingly worthy and so divine that we are not worthy to contain it in these utterly vile vessels, for poverty is that heavenly virtue by which the things of earth and time are all trodden underfooot, by which all obstacles are removed, and the human mind is freely joined with God Eternal."

Br. Michael H. Crosby, author of "The Spirituality of the Beatitudes" writes:

Poverty can be sanctioned only if it is freely embraced as a way to promote that reign of God more concretely on our world. Otherwise it contradicts the blessedness and goodness of God; it is a curse that violates god's plan. It signifies that the reign of God has not yet fully arrived. To experience that reign more fully, to experience its authority and power, it is necessary to reorder our possessions on behalf of the poor. Jesus offers no other way to experience the treasure of heaven except solidarity with the poor.

Bl. Josemaria Escriva enumerates on this:

It is time to do away with the uncontrolled consumerism that seeks an ever higher degree of material well-being; time for sobriety in drinking, eating, and buying clothes; time for generosity to people and organisations that are struggling, or that are involved in working for the good of others; time to moderate our expenditure; time for the kind of advertising that does not aim to arouse desire for whatever is most expensive; time to reflect on how to educate our children in a practical knowledge of what things cost, and why efforts are demanded of them; time to do without some superfluous creature-comfort or unnecessary whim…

Superfluous creature-comfort...Oh, how easy it is to desire these! I need to point out here that my closet is chock full of clothes. I am certainly not suffering a lack of things to wear, for every season, and I am often complimented on my appearance. The sort of "poverty" I am embracing is only a hardship because we Americans are so spoiled with choices and freedoms that refraining from a trip to the mall seems like a huge sacrifice, when in reality it's about as worthy as a billionaire taking a commercial flight to the Bahamas instead of his private jet. Ohhh, here's the worlds smallest violin playing just for me...

But it does take humility. And it is a conscious choice. I do it specifically to keep myself humble and to live in solidarity with those who don't have the sort of luxuries we consider commonplace. I'm curious about the little ways other people practice humility and evangelical poverty in this extremely comfortable world we inhabit. If you do this, what is your sacrifice and how does it work in your lives?

Consistent Ethic of Love: Marriage

I intend this to be the first in a series exploring the interrelations between poverty and the choices we make every day.

Joseph Cardinal Bernadin, the late Archbishop of Chicago, spoke about a "Consistent Ethic of Life" in which the Church's position on abortion, capital punishment and war stem from the same principle. It has always inspired me. There has been criticism of his ideas (to which Fr. Pavone has compiled a list of responses) but they are, I believe, from people who misunderstand his underlying message.

In like manner, I wish to explore a "consistent ethic of love" as it relates to the poor. Just as respect for human life is at the heart of Catholic teaching on many modern political issues, so should love for humanity at the heart of the choices we make as individuals. I truly believe, and it is the foundation of this blog, that my choices and actions from day to day have an impact (hopefully positive!) on the downtrodden, the defenseless, the hungry, the sorrowing and the needy.

Since it is my vocation, and the primary means by which I serve the Lord, I will start with marriage and its fundamental corollary: motherhood.

I did not set out to help the poor when I got married. In fact, as I've written in the past, I sometimes feel as though my desire to marry got in the way of a different call to help the poor. What happened, really, was that I fell totally in love and couldn't imagine a future that didn't include my husband.

But if I reflect on it, I have actually been given more opportunities to serve the poor through my marriage than I could have imagined. First and foremost are my children, of course, who came to me utterly helpless and lacking every basic need. I have fed, clothed, comforted, taught, and cared for them, these little lambs of the Most High. I have this poem by my bathroom sink, so every morning I can remind myself to take pride in my service as a mother, and to treat my kids with gentleness and patience, knowing that they are standing in for Christ.

I have also been given the chance to spread the Gospel, since I married an unbeliever. Whether or not he ever accepts Christ, he nonetheless is gaining most of his knowledge about Christianity from me and my example. If that's not a humbling, frightening prospect, I don't know what is.

Finally, my marriage has given me an opportunity to suffer for the poor. It's an uncomfortable concept, but I think it's a critical one. There is suffering in the submission of oneself to one's vocation, where my desires and interests must come second to the needs and good of my marriage. I have a wonderful marriage, yet even though I love and respect my husband, it is hard to put him first. It is hard when I don't get what I want, or when I have to change my plans because we are not in agreement about them.

No marriage is perfect. I would not trade my husband for anyone, but sometimes he is cruel, thoughtless, stubborn, petty, and selfish. I'm fortunate that these moments are very few and far between, but of course I can remember each one of them with soul-crushing clarity, much as I try to put them from my mind. There is suffering in marriage, as there is in any real relationship. There is humility, too, because whatever he has said and done to me, I have said and done to him twice over. He is the better partner, the better lover, the better provider, the better parent, and the better person. And oh, does it stick in my craw that he's a more patient and cheerful bearer of ills than I, who have Christ and His Spirit to sustain me! Buh.

As a child, whenever I was faced with an unhappy situation, whether from teasing at school or problems at home, I consoled myself with the same promise: someday, I will be free of all this. I had the good fortune to be born in a democratic, Western nation, and to have access to education and the likelihood of a future where I could make my own decisions. I clung to the promise of freedom; I imagined the day I could simply walk away from any situation I disliked, and from any person whose company didn't please me.

Most of the poor do not have such promises in their future. If they are born into poverty, there is no access to education to raise them from it. Girls often go from the tyranny of their fathers to the tyranny of their husbands without a choice in the matter. There are more than 12 million slaves in the world, some of them right here in America. A mother in a refugee camp cannot change her situation, and must simply watch and weep as her children starve.

I don't for a nanosecond intend to imply that being married is at all like being sold into slavery, nor do I think I can even comprehend the feelings of someone married against her will. All I am saying is that there is a permanence in the condition I have chosen for myself, and that through it I have learned about submission to the pains of reality in a way I could not have understood before I took a vow for "all the days of my life."

My marriage is one way I serve the poor, both those in my family and those for whose lives I offer my small and petty sufferings. Foremost among these, I offer the sufferings of my pride and independence, because in most places around the world, it is freedom the poor lack most.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. I keep having posts run through my head but then I am not A. organized enough to sit down and type them or B. confident enough that they're worth writing. So I figured I'd do a few, briefly, and see if they turn into anything longer.

2. Wednesday was End Human Trafficking day. I've posted on this before, and here are some other good ideas for how to get involved: visit Not For Sale, which has an App for the iPhone to scan barcodes and see if the companies have adequate policies in place to address child labor in its product chain. Sponsor someone marching in DC at the Project to End Human Trafficking. Sign a petition (or two) on Change.org in the Human Trafficking section. Take the survey to determine your Slavery Footprint (I have 55 slaves working for me) and become more aware about the issue. Fast and pray for those caught up in trafficking, both for victims and perpetrators.

3. At my mother's group, which meets twice a month, we do a monthly challenge. January's is to sacrifice for my husband the way I sacrifice for my kids. So often we pour ourselves out for these small souls, wiping up their bodily functions or playing ponies when it's the last thing we feel like doing, yet we are joyful in our giving and do not ask for recompense. The challenge is to carry that over into our marriage this month, to give wholly out of love without expecting anything in return. I think it's such a lovely thought, and the timing is good because my husband is pretty stressed with work right now and I have many opportunities to pour love out on him!

4. I've been working on changing our eating habits to be more in line with a Nourishing Traditions approach. It means eating more fermented products, soaking my grains before cooking them, and generally eating a more traditional diet. So far I'm loving it. Our "beef" with the Paleo diet (which we tried over the summer) was that it required far too much reliance on meat as the base, and we don't think this is either economical or globally sustainable. However, knowing that properly prepared grains are beneficial to the body, and stretching meat the way our great-grandmothers used to do (like using bones to make broth and flavor soups, or by eating organs and other cheap cuts) we can eat well and nourish ourselves fully, without breaking the bank or contributing to food shortages.

5. We're going to Disneyworld this year. I am freaking out about it on so many different levels. I am trying my best not to be that person in the family who complains and looks negatively at anything new or challenging, but it's hard because my personality tends to the over-reaction side of things. For now, I am trying to keep the crazy mostly between myself and God, where it belongs, and be positive with those who are joining me on the trip. Advice from those of you with small children who have gone is much appreciated!

6. I struggle with impatience. I'm in good company, I know. It seems to be a national problem, and I believe it's what has put our economy in this precarious position , and what's contributed to our rising obesity rate. This year I have decided to work on this fault, and have chosen as my word for 2012 "gentleness." Gentle people are not impatient. They wait humbly, or else quietly do as they think right without making a fuss. I hope this will improve my parenting, make me abetter wife and friend, and draw me closer to God in emulation of that paragon of gentleness, Mary.

7. I did start these on Friday. Sigh.

More Quick Takes at Jen's site.

Seven Quick Takes Friday

1. I love this season. I love the decorations, the food, the gift-giving, the songs, the traditions and most of all, the joy of celebrating our Lord's birth! I am grateful every day for the fact that I'm healthy this year, and can enjoy the season to the fullest. I have been baking, decorating the house, shopping and wrapping, and we are 100% ready for Christmas day. I even have everything I need to make our Christmas dinner, woo hoo!

2. We made a gingerbread house the other day, and gingerbread men with the leftover dough, and I am having to stop myself from ducking into the kitchen every three minutes to eat another one, they are that good. I used coconut oil instead of the prescribed Crisco, because ew! Crisco! and they are soft with just the right amount of chewiness. I am definitely going to add this to our Christmas holiday traditions.

3. One of my favorite things to do to celebrate the holiday is watch White Christmas. I just love that movie; it's so campy and sappy and perfect. I love the whole 50's look, with the skirts and heels and red lipstick, hair perfect in every shot, the girls wearing makeup to bed and everything. It's a sweet little fantasy, a romance with a "misunderstanding" to make things interesting, a musical with kickin' dancing, and it's all for the troops, to boot. We also watch every version of "A Christmas Carol" that we can get our hands on, including the Muppets and the 1936 version, which is my son's and father-in-law's favorite.

4. I am keeping those less fortunate in mind this season, as well. For a few years now we've been setting aside $50 a month for use at Christmastime, and it makes it possible for me to get presents for a family through our Church giving tree. I can't even express the joy I get from being able to do that. I think I may have gone a bit overboard this year, but I have decided I'm just going to be generous and trust that God will find a way to cover it.

5. Christmas is a bit of a difficult time for my husband's side of the family. My FIL's dad died around Christmas, and his mom lost a baby at 41 weeks around this time, too. There was always a kind of sadness and sense of loss attached to the holiday. I know that for many people, this season does bring back hard memories, and it's hard to find joy sometimes. So I try to keep that in mind, and pray for those going through difficulties.

6. Having my kids at home all day is a mixed bag. On the one hand, I love watching them interact with each other and getting to share their enthusiasm for the holiday. We've done a few fun projects (like the gingerbread house) which we just don't have time for usually. On the other hand, it's hard to be without the relief of school so at least I can get a handle on the cleaning and cooking, plus when things go bad, there are more people to escalate the situation.

7. We received a HUGE snowfall yesterday (between 10 and 27 inches in various areas) and it reminded me of that old Chinese story about good fortune and bad fortune. We got lovely snow at Christmas! YAY! Except that my car got stuck in it. Boo! Then the neighbors came and pushed me out! YAY! And then it got stuck again. Boo! But we were close enough to walk home. YAY! But then I couldn't get a meal to a friend with a new baby like I had promised. Boo. But that meant I didn't have to cook dinner for us. YAY! Except we were trapped at home all day. Boo! So the kids built a snow tunnel and played outside. YAY! Which meant they tracked mud and snow all inside. Boo. So I used the opportunity to clean my kitchen floor. YAY! I could go on in this vein for some time but you get the idea. I just thought to myself: God makes all things good for those who love Him. Gotta roll with it, right?

Merry Christmas to one and all!

See Jen's blog for more Quick Takes.

Taking a Leap

It's pretty clear to me what I am being called to do. This post, and this one, and this one, and the first comment on this one all point to the same conclusion: Stop trying to do it all yourself and just give it to God.

And these are all posts within the last week or so.

When I began this blog, I wanted to highlight the ways we, as blessed inhabitants of a wealthy and prosperous nation, can live our lives in solidarity with the poor. My path was waylaid immediately by what I thought at the time was an obstacle: my husband's opposition to giving to charity. So I changed my focus and dedicated myself to budgeting and saving, non-monetary giving, and prayer.

It's not at all that I think I made the wrong choice or anything, but I think I had the wrong attitude about it. I thought at the time, "I'll just do all these things in obedience to what God is calling me to do, and He will change my husband's heart so we'll be able to give to charity." I also thought, "God will help me save money so we will be in a good financial position and have extra to give to the poor."

Um. So. That totally hasn't happened. At all. The irony is, we are in excellent financial position. We have paid off all our debt and saved three to four months worth of salary for emergency spending. My husband has gotten a raise. We've made improvements on our house that actually saved us money in the long run (winterizing, etc.)

But we don't seem to have any money for the poor. My husband had suggested that any money left over in the monthly budget could be split 50/50 between savings and charity. Not only have we not had any money left over for the last year, but we have been overspending our monthly budget by hundreds and hundreds of dollars. In fact, just from overspending, we've gone back into debt.

My husband is dumbfounded. "How is this happening?" he asked me the other night. "We used to be able to get by with less! We have more money than we ever have and we're spending more!"

I didn't have an answer for him, but in praying about it (and reading blogs that coincidentally all say the same things) it seems pretty obvious to me what the problem is. We're not giving God His money. The whole idea of budgeting and scrimping so we can save some "extra" for the poor has the entire thing backwards. We should be giving freely to the poor, and trusting in God to provide for us, as He did when we gave $100 to the IRC instead of buying groceries.

I am petrified. And completely at a loss. This whole trusting God thing is exceedingly difficult for me, and I am very, very worried about how it might affect my marriage. Can I be completely honest? It's not even that I worry about our financial situation, or making my husband mad. My real fear, the deepest, most central fear that's stopping me from taking a leap of faith, is that it won't work, and it will be just one more reason for my husband not to believe in God.

What if we do this, if we give to God and then He doesn't provide? I've seen friends who attempted great things for God fail utterly and completely (in the eyes of the world.) It didn't rock their faith, they were never in a situation where they had no food or no home, and I think it led them to a better place, but as far as my husband is concerned, they listened to a voice that wasn't there and completely ruined their finances. I don't want to fall into a prosperity gospel trap here and move forward recklessly, expecting that strangers are going to drop checks on our porch to pay my kids' tuition. But if my husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to tithing, we might not hear the same message, and what to me is a sacrifice for the greater good might to my husband be a failure or an untenable compromise.

And of course, I care more about what God wants me to do than what my husband may or may not think, but it doesn't seem right to me that I am forced to choose. It doesn't seem to me that God would ask something of me that would harm my marriage.

Which leads me to think that He is in control of this, and that good will come of it.

But I'm still petrified. And I don't know how to start.

Picture credit: Movie still from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, brain child of the illustrious Mr. George Lucas (George Lucas & Jeffrey Boam, Paramount Pictures, Lucasfilm, May 24, 1989.)

7 Quick Takes Friday (Procrastinator's Edition)

1. I left the house yesterday morning at 8:25 and didn't return until 4, then had to accompany my daughter to a Halloween party which began at 6, so I feel I have some excuse for not getting this quick takes out yesterday. (Of course, one might have written it on Thursday were one truly committed to getting it out on time...)

2. I don't know why I can never find the camera when the cutest moments are happening. Last night my daughter wanted to go to the party as Ursula the Sea Witch, so I stuffed two pairs of silver dotted black tights with pantyhose and pinned them to her black skirt/leggings so they looked like tentacles, spread purple eyeshadow all over her face, and put on some red lipstick. The baby, in her borrowed frog costume, couldn't have been cuter. And I went to the effort of doing up my eyes for an Egyptian Queen costume I've had since college...and we could not find the camera for our lives. And then this morning I located it in my purse, where I'm sure I checked last night. Darnit.

3. My son wants to be Lion-O from the Thundercats. I loved the Thundercats as a kid and have been sharing his excitement about the reboot on Cartoon Network. Unfortunately, they don't make Lion-O costumes that you can buy. So since I am a pie-in-the-sky dreamer with an inflated sense of my abilities, a perfectionist, and a procrastinator, I am only about 25% done with the handsewn Lion-O costume I promised to make him for Halloween...which is on Monday.

4. I, um, won't be doing much for the next two days except trying to figure out how to sew a Lion-O costume.

5. I am getting raw milk for the first time on Monday! I am so excited about this. For those who may not know, raw milk is unpasteurized so it contains all the beneficial enzymes that conventional milk does not. I've found a great local source, thanks to Dyno-Mom, with milk from grass fed cows delivered to my area weekly. My daughter is lactose intolerant with constipation and stomachaches, and we have denied her milk for the past 8 months with varying degrees of success. I am so excited that she may do well on raw milk and we can add this important food back into her diet.

6. Every year at Halloween, I go out and buy two big bags of candy (I go for our favorites: Milky Way/3 Musketeers/Snickers combo bag and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups) and every year we get around 10 Trick-or-Treaters, leaving us with 2 lbs of temptation. My kids go out and get tons more, enough to fill up the big black cauldron I have for the purpose, and then spend the next two months begging for candy and throwing tantrums when I remind them it's one piece a day after dinner. So this year, I only bought 16 pieces of candy (2 8-packs at the dollar store.) When my kids bring candy into the house (they've already gotten about 15 pieces from trick or treating at the Halloween party last night, getting "booed" by friendly neighbors, and earning treats at school for good behavior) I'm going to bundle it all together and pass it out to whomever comes to our door. I'm kind of hoping that by not buying very much candy this year, we'll not be left with an insane amount at the end of the holiday. Ideally, I could let the kids gorge for a couple nights and it'll be gone and out of my life. Isn't that the way it's meant to be? I sure as heck don't remember Halloween candy lingering through Thanksgiving!

7. I'm trying not to grocery shop until Tuesday and we're running pretty low on stuff. Anyone have good recipes involving carrots, rice, cannellini beans and frozen fish filets to share?

More Quick Takes at Conversion Diary!

Checking In

I'm still here, just not posting much. I've been such a bad blogger of late. Mostly it's because I'm trying to get a handle on my real life. I found the camera, so I can show you!

This was the parlor with bins from the storeroom in the midst of being organized.


And here are the 5 big garbage bags of clothes donated to Catholic Charities, woo!

I still need to get the study taken care of as it's a huge disaster. I can't even vacuum in here. Baby is adorable and fun, older kids are wonderful though challenging in unique ways. Everything is busy and blessed.

I was thinking yesterday about my efforts to Take the Poor With Me and how limited my success has been because I'm so focused on my family and my home. In some ways, that's not a bad thing. I know my primary vocation is as a wife and mother and God calls me to focus my energies there for a reason. Also, I need to get a handle on our family spending; it blew way out of proportion while I was sick and we still haven't gotten ourselves back on track. Part of that is the vacation we took into the mountains last month, but a large part is also that I'm not taking the time to sit down in front of my spreadsheet. I need to find that time and break it all down or our money gets away from us like a herd of fleeing wildebeests.

However, it is a problem for this blog because instead of reading books and articles about the plight of the poor, I am reading books about food allergies and de-cluttering. Instead of giving money, I am volunteering my time, which gives me even less opportunity for research. Instead of blogging, I am cleaning and cooking.

I have been successful in my prayer life. Anna posted a while back about the power of her daily Rosary, and I've been inspired to dedicate a decade each time I pray. The immediate benefit is that it has brought me a huge amount of peace. Mostly I am praying for the future (my children's chastity, their vocations, our adoption, my husband's conversion) and knowing that I am able to do something NOW about these hugely important issues is very comforting.

I've also been praying for those who suffer. It's so hard for me to calm my spirit when I am troubled by the state of the world. Even something like watching a few minutes of Fiddler on the Roof while the baby is nursing will torment my heart for days. If I can do nothing else for the poor of this world, I can pray for them. I say a Trinity Prayer (Our Father Hail Mary Glory Be) while I wash dishes or fold laundry, offer up my aches and pains, and ask God to bless others when I thank Him for my blessings (like a clean glass of water or my bed.)

I don't know if I will have future insights on this topic. It hasn't stopped being near and dear to my heart, even if I have shifted my focus to my immediate family for the time-being. I am trying, as much as I can, to think of the poor while I am taking care of my family and being active in my community. I am trying to remember that caring for my children is caring for Christ. For now, that's all I am able to do. I hope soon God will show me a way to do more.