Let Habit Be King

I have been working on my discipline lately. Little things help with my motivation, like offering up my laundry for a friend or using the time I wash dishes to sing praise. For me, that elevates the task to a form of worship and helps me see it through to the end. 

I've also been blessed to discover the liturgy of the hours on my Laudate app. I started with some of the daytime prayers, then read the Catholics Guide to the Liturgy of the Hours and discovered the greater hours are Lauds, Compline and the daily Office. So I began focusing on those hours and rapidly found myself getting to the end of the day without having prayed any Hour!

Then I read in the Guide some common impediments, and it jumped out at me that I was making the critical error of pursuing the perfect at the expense of the good.   The guide said that ideally, we would dedicate a period of silent contemplation to praying the Hour with attentive reverence but sometimes this isn't possible. If we skip because we don't have time to devote ourselves fully, we risk losing our habit. 

That's exactly what I discovered was happening. So I am trying to pray badly rather than not pray. I read the Hour while making breakfast or sometimes I only get through one psalm. But I am hoping the act of opening the Word gets me closer to fully participating in the liturgy. 

I haven't yet found a good rhythm for homeschool that balances the requirements of my sons education with his personal sense of responsibility. I am determined not to spend the whole day fighting with him. This surprisingly hard to do because he is always behind and has no desire to study. It is very difficult for me to let go but I've set 3:00 as the last hour I will help him. After that I am no longer his teacher. 

Otherwise all is going well with kids and husband, home and family, and Parish ministries. Praise God!

St Elizabeth Ann Seton, St Thomas Aquinas, pray for us. 

BFF

I think we can put a Big Fat FAIL on today. Sigh. I don't want this blog to be a place where I whine about how darn hard it is to homeschool and how frustrated I am with motivating my son to do his best work. So I have not been posting, which tells you all you need to know about how it's going so far this year. The thing that drives me the most crazy is that we have occasional good days that are so beautifully perfect it keeps me believing that this will all bear fruit someday.

Last week he did all his work every day. He wrote an essay on Friday that had me dancing when he read it to me (Oh, the transitions! The descriptive words! The persuasive phrasing!) I thought, at last, we have hit upon the right combination of variables. Wake him at 8:30 and bring him down for breakfast. Perform some sort of physical activity, either Tai Chi, bike riding, or basketball. Brew a cup of green tea. Start with Spanish, then Math, Reading, Language Arts, History, Geography, Memory, Science, Religion, and Current Events. Sign off each subject when it's complete; give him my undivided attention. Work him through each step of the assignment. Read the directions, ask leading questions. Compliment him. Use the funny voice. Make him snacks. Take short breaks. Reward him with screens on Wed and Sat if he has achieved a star on the other days. Notice when he makes any improvement, even in the slightest measure. Don't neglect one-on-one time. Find moments to connect. Be clear with expectations and requirements. Empathize. Explain.

I guess if I think back, we did not do the physical activity today and I did not make him green tea. Is it really THAT delicate? No, it started before that. It started when I woke him up and then left the room instead of dragging him out of bed. He did not get up and I had to go back upstairs to get him out of bed, and that right there was the start.

I can't be perfect every day. Honestly, I would take the occasional bad day if it came occasionally and was the exception rather than the rule.

I will begin again tomorrow and try to stick to the routine a little better. Starting the day with physical activity is key.

Thoughts on Depression

Like most others, I was struck personally by the news of Robin William's suicide. Having grown up with his films and his comedy, I feel that connection with him that is the hallmark of a great actor: he is so authentic and wholehearted that the audience feels WITH him as he performs and takes that performance with them when they leave the theater. Some of my favorite and most watched films -- Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, Aladdin, and Good Morning Vietnam -- are great in large part because he starred in them.

There has been, unfortunately, a great deal of ugliness on the internet in the wake of his death. If I am believing the best I have to think that it comes from a place of fear and a need to separate themselves from his choice because they know, deep in their hearts, that we are all capable of falling into despair and seeing death as the only end to an unbearable existence.

Thankfully, the ugliness is more than balanced by sound defenses of the truth and lovely tributes to this talented man.

Glen Close: "Robin was incredibly sensitive to the crew, to the people who don't always get the recognition they deserve for the various jobs they do during a shoot. Robin knew everyone's name and could always get a laugh---not a laugh aimed at himself, but a laugh that recognized others. He gave various favorite crew members special nicknames. Our camera operator had famously combed-back, black hair that had considerable amounts of product in it, keeping every hair in place in all kinds of weather. Robin dubbed him "Teflon Man" and would do hilarious rifts as an archeologist in the distant future finding "Teflon Man" with his hair still perfect."

Ben Affleck: "Heartbroken. Thanks chief -- for your friendship and for what you gave the world. Robin had a ton of love in him. He personally did so much for so many people. He made Matt and my dreams come true. What do you owe a guy who does that? Everything. May you find peace my friend."

Anna Kendrick: O Captain! My Captain! Rise up and hear the bells. Rise up, for you the flag is flung, for you the bugle trills.

Ben Stiller: His kindness and generosity is what I think of. How kind he was to anyone who wanted to connect with him. And he could not help but be funny all the time. He would do something as long as it would keep you laughing. He made many, many film crews laugh out loud before the audiences ever saw it. He made such a big impact on the world. So there is the man, and his talent and I think in his case both were extraordinary. 

Our understanding of mental illness has grown in the last decade so that we are finally at the point where we can look at depression and see it for what it is: illness, rather than weakness or lack of faith. I think that's what bothers me most in a situation like this. Of course he made the wrong choice. It amazes me that this is up for debate! Suicide is NOT the answer. Never the answer. But rather than blame, we should be filled with compassion and sorrow. Depression wrecks your logic like a tsunami of despair. It invades every part of your mind and soul. No matter how you try to escape it, the waters rise up and pull you under again. They twist you so you don't know which way is up or where to find air or what to hold on to. It makes no difference if you have God, a loving family, financial success, friendship, or none of the above. Depression can still take you.

I do think, in my own experience, that having a proper understanding of who God is and my place in the universe helped me through my depression. Even when I didn't feel His presence, I knew He must be there and the problem was with me, because all the literature and testimony of thousands of years of humanity's relationship with Him continue to repeat "I am with you, even to the end of time."

But I have to admit that had I been capable of it, I might have come much closer to suicide than is comfortable to think about. I was pregnant and so miserable that I do remember I wished for death. I had a night where I couldn't stop throwing up, and I lay there and thought, "It's fine. I could just keep throwing up and die. That way this baby wouldn't be born into a world of suffering, and my children could be free from me. It's probably better if I just let myself die."

To look back on this moment from a place of health (both mental and physical) I can see the absurdity of it. I had everything: beautiful, healthy children, a warm and comfortable home, family supporting me in my illness, excellent medical care, freedom to rest all day long, entertainment to distract me, and access to any food I desired. Yet I couldn't see that. I could only see my own misery and loneliness.

I don't know what could have been done to help Robin Williams. I'm sure his family did what they could. They clearly loved him. We all did. I know he is at peace now. I know he regrets killing himself.

I am grateful that I am also at peace and my personal tsunami has receded. God is ever merciful, ever forgiving, ever loving, ever unchanging. May we imitate Him and show such love and compassion to our fellow brothers and sisters here on Earth.

Depression Does Not Discriminate

People Who Need Help Sometimes Look a lot Like People Who Don't Need Help

Robin Williams Didn't Die from a Disease and My Detailed Response
by Matt Walsh

5 Common Myths About Depression

10 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression

Depressed Catholics: God Wants You to Get Help

Peace and Prosperity

It is almost midnight and I should be in bed if I am to have any hope of getting up tomorrow at 7 am but I see that my last post here was in April (!!) and I feel the need to pop on if only for a moment to update the blogosphere as to what I have been up to.

I am in a great place, happy, peaceful, trusting in God's plan and doing my best to love my family no matter the circumstances. I am being challenged in a few key ways right now, mostly related to homeschooling which I am undertaking this year for the second time with my eldest. It did not go well the first time, but God brought everyone around to believing it was for the best that we try again. I am determined this time to focus on character, not performance, and work to make the experience as positive as I can.

My health is good, Praise God, my children are growing and active. My husband started a new law firm a year ago and it is growing with all the accompanying growing-pains that are to be expected, even desired. But naturally there is stress involved which my husband is bearing the brunt of. I personally have no doubt about his success, if not with this endeavor than with the next. That doesn't help him out much, though.

I am hoping once I get into a rhythm with homeschooling and the kids fall activities, and get a handle on my volunteer positions (Shepherd for my daughter's American Heritage Girls troop, Registrar and Prayer Coordinator for my Mother's Group, and volunteer with Catholic Charities Archdiocesan Housing) and my home, that I will be able to focus more attention on getting back to living simply and communicating some of our wonderful new Pope's wisdom on the subject.

Till then, blogging will likely be rather spotty. With love and prayers to all who read this little blog, Good Night. :)

Not the brightest bulb in the....bulb box....

"Lord, help me today, Good Friday. I give this day to you with all its trials and sufferings. I want so much to make this day holy for you, to find a way to sit with you in your suffering. I don't know how I can do it because the kids are already fighting with each other and crying, and I know I'm going to spend today in chaos with all the kids at home making messes and being noisy, dragging them to prayers and Stations and enduring their whining and constant demands. Show me how I can create a space to celebrate your Passion today..."

Oh. Wait a minute.

Yeah, that makes sense, Lord.

"Lord, help me today, Good Friday. Be with me amid my trials and sufferings as I struggle to parent these beautiful gifts whom I love. Shower me with Your grace so I respond to complaints with compassion, demands with gentle forbearance, defiance with love, and disruptions with patience. Grant me the strength to be mindful of You in the everyday moments of my life today. I offer my sufferings to You as a partnership with Your Passion for the salvation of the world, and particularly for those in my life who do not know You. I love You, Lord Jesus. Guide me today. Amen."

Title quote from Frasier. Love that show.

Too Much Joy

Blessed Lent to you all! I might be enjoying it a bit too much this year. None of my sacrifices are bringing me down...on the contrary, I am so excited to be healthy enough to make a sacrifice! And it's fun to choose the sacrifice I want to make instead of being given a cross I can't carry.

We decided as a family (okay, I decided and told my family and no one jumped ship so it's happening) to do a rice and beans dinner challenge for the 40 days of Lent. Basically, dinner is rice and beans and whatever vegetables and spices go with the dish. But no meat. No other grains. No tofu or tuna. The idea is to experience some solidarity with the majority of our world's poor, whose main staples are rice and beans, by limiting our dinner choices to those ingredients. The addition of vegetables and spices is for health and palatability, although we have decided on Fridays of Lent to have a simple meal of black beans and rice without vegetables or spices.

So far it is going well. God Bless my husband, who is not Catholic, and is nevertheless such a trooper in situations like these. I didn't expect that the kids would really eat their dinners and they aren't. But they don't eat anything I cook unless it's spaghetti or tacos and even then, one kid won't eat the chunks of tomato in the sauce, another only eats the noodles, etc. So I make the meal and serve it, they must try one bite, and then they are free to make whatever they'd like for their own dinners. Usually the toddler eats her rice and then asks for a sandwich and one of the older kids will make her one. My 10 year old likes to cook himself a cheese omelet, and my 7 year old eats apples with nut butter.

I've made the following dishes since Ash Wednesday:

Black Beans and rice
Red Beans and rice
Pintos Picadillos
Moroccan Chickpea Stew

The best part about this challenge is that the dishes are easy one pot meals that cook on their own. So the dinner hour is not stressful. I have much more time in the late afternoons to do Bible reading and prayer, clean the kitchen so it's not such a disaster after dinner, and spend time with the kids. We took advice from Jessica at A Shower of Roses and made a Lenten calendar detailing who to pray for and what blessings to count as penny offerings for the poor. The kids have been excited to participate in these devotions so far.

It's all been wonderful, and I feel so very grateful for the joy that surrounds me these days.

Pope Love!

In case anyone has missed it, our beloved Holy Father's advice for the start of the New Year:

10 Practical Lessons from Pope Francis

10. Don't gossip.
9. Finish your meals.
8. Make time for others
7. Choose the "more humble" purchase.
6. Meet the poor "in the flesh."
5. Stop judging others.
4. Befriend those who disagree.
3. Make commitments, such as marriage.
2. Make it a habit to "ask the Lord."
1. Be happy.

Happy New Year!

I'm working on finding myself within my own life!

2014 is here and, like the dawn of a new day, it has brought with it endless and exciting possibilities. I love the New Year. I love Christmastime and the celebrations of Christ's birth, the symbolism of new life, and the drawing closer to God and each other that occurs during the winter months. I have been praying for God to fill me up with love and He has done it...I am overflowing...my cup runneth over!

I spent a harried but joyful Advent preparing for Christmas, only having to let go of two traditions (though I loved them both dearly there simply was not time for it all.) I wrote an email letter instead of sending real Christmas cards (sob) and did not make sugar cookies to cut out and hang on the tree (one of my kids' favorite holiday traditions.) However, we DID: bake a gingerbread house, decorate gingerbread men, trim the tree, drive around looking at Christmas lights, decorate our house, light the Advent wreath, exchange cookies, buy gifts for one and all, watch our favorite Christmas movies, and celebrate with family and friends. Spiritually, I made an effort to be more mindful of the many moments I have throughout the day to spend time communing with God, and I offered Him a birthday gift of forgiveness to those who hurt me during the past year.

Now that the New Year has come, I am preparing to dive deeply into personal growth. It's a continuous effort of mine, and in past years I have dedicated words to represent my resolutions. Previous words have included Patience, Discipline, and Abandonment. I am realizing that any, or all, of these words would do for this year as well, because no matter what the year, my basic resolutions are the same -- draw closer to God, live more fully as His disciple, trust Him, give more of myself to others and be a better wife/mother/daughter/friend. As Jessica Snell eloquently writes in her post on this subject:

It’s okay to make the same resolution every year, I think. It’s even good. The new year is a time to take stock, to remember where we are and where we’re going, and if you find every year that your first thing is still your first thing . . . well, that’s good. It means you were probably right about your priorities. It means you just might be fitting into that wonderful description of the Christian life: “A long obedience in the same direction.”

In preparation for this, I have spent a few days prayerfully writing a Mother's Rule for the new year. Right now it's a beautiful mosaic of colors and plans beckoning me to accomplish all the goals I've set for myself. It's not so much a schedule to which I need to perfectly adhere, but rather I think it's a starting point, a place from which I reorient my priorities and evaluate whether I have balance in my daily life.

Specifics I plan to concentrate on in the New Year include:

Spiritual Reading of the non-blog kind
Less time in front of screens
Finishing projects!!
Experiencing joy in the moment

Vices I plan to decrease are pride and gluttony.