Seven Quick Takes Friday

1. I'm back home after my annual trip to northern Michigan. Every year, I compare coming home to re-entry from a space flight: it's fast, rough, and shakes me right down to my cells. Every year I think, "How do I do this all by myself?" and I have a few days of panic. Then I get used to the mess, clutter and craziness and it becomes routine.

2. Dan got me 4 hours with a professional organizer to help me get a handle on the kids toys, storeroom and study. Those who are not married to a practical person might think he was making some kind of statement about my pathetic inability to handle my own house. Actually, he is throwing me a lifeline. When he told me over the phone that he was going to do this, and was this something I would like? I responded YES!! before he even finished the sentence. Solving problems is his love language, so this is the equivalent of diamond earrings from my man.

3. The organizer did not faint, laugh or run screaming when she saw my house. That proved to me she was a true professional! She gave me so many helpful ideas. Nothing earth-shattering, but stuff I wasn't thinking of, like that if I put up some shelves in the playroom, I could keep my 5 year olds toys in separate bins that could be taken down one at a time and played with, instead of having everything in one big bin that then gets dumped on the ground and never picked up. Or that I could move some of the junk cluttering up my bookshelves in the study into the basement closet, which was mostly empty.

4. Of course, sometimes to make things better they have to first get worse, and now my front room is full of bins, clothes piles and bags of stuff to be donated. Here's a picture:

5. I went to take a picture and the camera battery is dead and I can't find the charger in the mess. I'm just going to have to let it go for now and trust that true organization is waiting for me on the other end of this project!

6. Did I mention that she came two weeks ago? I have been trying to do a little every day, but I also have to do my regular job like cook dinner and do laundry, plus I want to do things with the kids, like take trips to the pool while the days are still warm, and of course I'm stopping every hour or so to nurse, change or rock a precious baby, so my progress has been minimal. Maybe I should have had her come after the kids started school...

7. We're heading into the mountains this weekend for our first every family camping trip! Because I am not completely crazy, I rented us a cabin at the Y campgrounds. They have guided outings, a craft lodge, two restaurants and tons of activities for all ages. We're all super excited about it (well, not the baby, but she'll look back on pictures and be happy that she was there from a very young age.) Oh, I guess if I want to take pictures I need to find that battery charger and get it going. Okay, that's all the time we have for today, folks!

Check out Jen's site for more Quick Takes!

Archbishop on the Move

The Archdiocese of Philadelphia has announced today that Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI has appointed Archbishop Chaput to their diocese as a replacement for Cardinal Rigali.

My primal reaction is, "HEY!!! That's MY shepherd!"

Which is, of course, completely uncharitable and unproductive. Still, I can't help but feel sadness at the departure of this wise and inspiring man, who has done so much to guide my faith. I truly admire the spirit he has infused into the Church in Denver.

John Allen has a great interview with him up on the NCR site. I particularly like his description of himself as not conservative, but rather faithful to the traditions of the Church while creative in applying them to modern life. Here's what he has to say about personal prayer:

What about your role as a spiritual leader for the archdiocese? Is there any particular devotion or practice of prayer, for example, that you want to promote?
I'm firmly convinced by a lifetime of being in the church that the traditional practices of the church are the ones we need to follow, and if we follow them, we really will be able to engage in all these issues in an appropriate way. The first thing is regular prayer, and for priests that means the divine office and the daily celebration of the Mass. Beyond that, we should embrace the sacramental life, which means personal confession as well as encouraging others to enter the sacrament of confession. There's also fasting … Jesus tells us that 'some devils can't be driven out without fasting.' We need to find time for spiritual reading, especially the reading of the scriptures. I don't think adding new devotions to the traditional practices of the church is necessary, and sometimes it's confusing and end up sapping away time.
Many people find praying the rosary daily to be a very important thing. Certainly devotion to the Blessed Mother is an intrinsically necessary part of Catholic life, because Mary is the mother of the church and our mother personally. Christ gave us Mary as our mother, and we should take that seriously. If we believe these things and faithfully apply them to our lives, we'll work our way through this.
I think devotion to the saints is also an important part of this. As a bishop, I have a huge devotion to St. Augustine and to St. Charles Borromeo. I've been blessed to have Charles Borromeo as my personal patron. His feast day is my name day. I really do depend on them a lot in the Communion of Saints. Also, St. Francis is in some sense the foundation of my spirituality.

Sigh. Denver's going to miss him so much! No word on his replacement, as far as I know. I hope Philadelphia realizes how lucky they are!

Brain Drain

A really interesting article on brain function appeared in the Atlantic recently. The author intends mainly to show that criminals may not be as culpable as we consider them to be, but his arguments can easily be applied to the poor as well.

Among other things, he writes:

Genes are part of the story, but they’re not the whole story. We are likewise influenced by the environments in which we grow up. Substance abuse by a mother during pregnancy, maternal stress, and low birth weight all can influence how a baby will turn out as an adult. As a child grows, neglect, physical abuse, and head injury can impede mental development, as can the physical environment. (For example, the major public-health movement to eliminate lead-based paint grew out of an understanding that ingesting lead can cause brain damage, making children less intelligent and, in some cases, more impulsive and aggressive.) And every experience throughout our lives can modify genetic expression—activating certain genes or switching others off—which in turn can inaugurate new behaviors. In this way, genes and environments intertwine.

How many of us are guilty of uncharitable thoughts about our charitable giving? Do we give freely of our time and treasure, with love for those we serve, or do we feel in our heart of hearts that they aren't truly deserving because of their attitudes or choices? If someone is struggling with an addiction, are we less inclined to help them? What about someone who is fired from job after job for being late or insubordinate? What about the attitudes that are shaped by a lifetime of poverty: the hopelessness, the resentment, the depression and apathy?

Having struggled briefly with depression myself, I have a whole new understanding and compassion for others in that situation. It took every bit of strength I had to cart the kids from activity to activity. Sometimes I would sob while driving (very dangerous.) I functioned like an automaton, cooking dinner, putting it on the table, and eating it in silence. My relationships suffered, I lost all my creativity, and everything felt as if it took so much more effort than it was worth.

The scariest part was the feeling that I had completely lost control of who I was. I didn't WANT to scream at my children over every little thing. Yet I watched myself do things I didn't want to do, and had no power to stop.

If you can, imagine growing up in an environment that alters your very brain chemistry. Physical or sexual abuse, maternal drug use, mineral deficiencies, and lack of access to health care can shape behavior by altering the normal pathways in the brain. This can make people more aggressive or impulsive, impair their reasoning, or increase the likelihood that they will commit a crime or use drugs.

It would be nice if we were all dealt a fair hand, but that simply isn't the case. The fact is that those in impoverished areas have to work twice twice as hard (if not more) to achieve success as those of us born to privilege, and there is less margin for error. In many cases the problems we encounter (abuse, illness, mental disorders, job loss, natural disasters,) or the bad choices that we make, cause only temporary setbacks in our lives. We have a network that assists us in recovering. The poor not only encounter more problems (due to both environmental and physical factors) but have less ability to recover and less assistance, too.

This doesn't mean that we should write off bad choices or give blindly without considering how the money is being used. Whether someone steals because of dysfunctional brain chemistry or lack of education or desperation, stealing is still wrong. As a society, we can't tolerate behavior that harms our framework of individual rights. However, I feel strongly that our approach should reflect an understanding of the root causes and address them appropriately.

Tying food or housing assistance to behavior compliance doesn't help someone when their problem is physical. The more I work with at-risk populations, the more I have come to believe that access to heath care is the primary need, and that housing and food assistance will be less necessary if populations are healed from addictions and mental disorders. One of the many reasons I like Catholic Charities is that they have a comprehensive program to help people spiritually, physically and emotionally.

I have always wondered how those in prison ministry are able to love those who are unlovable. Perhaps they understand intuitively what science is just beginning to grasp: that people are more than their choices, more than their circumstances or desires. God, who sees into the heart of each person, loves each of us with an abiding and consuming love -- enough to die for us. That sort of love is a hallmark of Christian faith, and something that I hope to cultivate in my own life much more deeply through compassion and forgiveness, especially of those who I don't believe deserve it.

Busy and Blessed

I really thought I would post more once the baby came, but now I'm so busy getting back into my routine that I hardly sit down at the computer anymore. My evenings are mostly dedicated to nursing de bebe and trying to keep the house somewhat habitable, while my mornings are much shortened now that I can go to Daily Mass again (YAY), plus the kids have morning activities two days a week. So I'm always on the go and blogging is pretty much one of the last things I have time for. Still, it's nice to be back in my life again!

Also, I have nothing very inspiring to say. I really don't know what God is trying to tell me with this anxiety. It doesn't matter how much I tell myself that there's nothing I can do by worrying about it, and that no matter what, I know God will be with me. I still am just constantly terrified that something bad is going to happen. Mostly I'm concerned about the baby; she's only 2 months old and still at risk for all sorts of random things like SIDS, meningitis, pneumococcal fever, etc.

The irony is that she is the healthiest, easiest baby ever. She sleeps well, eats well, poops well and is growing by leaps and bounds. She's smiley and content when awake and enjoys being on her own on her activity mat or in her stroller. She has sometimes put herself to sleep just by cooing, without any rocking or feeding or singing on my part. She charms everyone wherever I take her and I've had more than one person marvel that she's so perfect, she almost looks more like a doll than a live baby.

And yet I am constantly concerned about every hiccup and sniffle. Much more than is normal or necessary. I've talked with my husband about whether I need to get on medication for this, but as long as I'm able to function I don't think it's worth it. Most anti-anxiety meds enter the breastmilk, and though the studies show that the large majority of babies aren't affected by it, it seems sort of ironic that in order to alleviate my deep concerns about the baby's health, I have to do something that might compromise...the baby's health. Also, given my history, the chances are that I'll get every single last side effect possible. I'm functioning well and not having any violent thoughts of any kind. I'm just really scared all the time.

And I feel like such an idiot about it. I have been blessed to an extent most people in this world never experience. What am I concerned about? That some strife might enter my perfect, charmed little life? At the doctor's office the other day I read an article in National Geographic about Child Brides in India that broke my heart. The worst thing that could possibly happen in my life wouldn't even begin to approach being married off against my will at age 11. Even if my daughter were kidnapped like Elizabeth Smart, at least in this country I would have the police looking for her, and there would always be the hope of her return. In many countries around the world, girls and women are abused their whole lives and it's a complete non-issue.

I don't even want to ask for prayers because it's SO stupid. I personally know people who have suffered real tragedies, or who have actual mental illnesses that need medication. Better to pray for them than for me. I've been offering it up for friends who are going through infertility, and for those without medical care. In poor countries, child mortality is twenty times higher than in wealthy countries.

The unexpected positive of being so anxious is that I am truly treasuring each moment with my baby. I don't mind anything I need to do to take care of her, even diapers or waking up in the middle of the night or holding her for hours and hours because she doesn't want to be put down. If the worst does happen, I will know that I loved and rejoiced in her every minute of her life. That in itself is a beautiful gift God has given me to sustain me through this time.

Luckily, I am much too busy to dwell on it. But I thought I'd post simply because it is one of the foremost things on my mind. I'm looking for any good book recommendations on trust or managing anxiety, if anyone has them!

In the meantime, I am trusting that whatever comes, God will be with me. And I am thanking Him for all my wonderful blessings. Praise God with heart and soul and voice!

God is good

One of the things I've always loved about nursing an infant is how much time it gives me to read. I think holding a fuzzy-headed baby in my arms while immersed in a good book might just be one of the most pleasurable experiences this world has to offer!

My Lenten sacrifice this year was fiction (TV and books,) and it's bearing some wonderful fruit. I am reading "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow, on the advice of a friend, and finding it extremely insightful. She speaks on the idea of contentment as accepting and working with God's plan for one's life. In this context, she brings up the fact that God is good, and so His plan for us, by definition, is also good.

Which got me thinking about "good" and how we define it. I think we most often use "good" to describe anything that fits with what we personally want for ourselves and our lives. Children are "good" when they do as we ask them to do. Someone has "the good life" if they have money, leisure time, and material things. We even describe food as good when it contains high amounts of fat or sugar, which we enjoy far more than food that is actually good (usually we refer to that kind as "healthy.")

But good, as the Bible defines it, has a very different meaning. It is beautiful and simple, yet profound: God is good. Good is God. Those things which draw us to God are good. Those things God has done or made are good. Goodness and God are one and the same.

I know for many people, the existence of suffering in the world is a barrier to faith. If God is all-powerful, why does He allow bad things to happen? Although I feel very deeply the plight of those who are poor, either in material goods, in spirit, in health or in freedom, I have never blamed God or felt disappointed in His lack of intervention for two main reasons: 1. It's mostly people who cause suffering, either to themselves or to others. and 2. Everything God does is good, thus suffering must also be good.

Part of the reason I love being a Catholic is the Church's position on suffering. It is not meaningless. It it not punishment. It is an opportunity to manifest the love of Christ to the world. When something like the tsunami in Japan occurs, it is an opportunity for the world to show love to Japan. God does not desire pain and suffering, but this world that He created contains those things. It contains disease, death, tectonic plates that shift around, wild animals, destructive weather patterns...all these things are GOOD because they are part of the world God created. Plate tectonics are a result of the transfer of energy from within the Earth. We are the only planet yet discovered that supports life -- surely the abundance of life here depends upon all components of physics, geology, astronomy, and other sciences existing in the balance that God created for them.

Here's where my problem comes in. I can intellectually understand the purpose of "bad things" in this world. I can theologically support the notion of redemptive suffering and spiritual growth that comes from accepting God's will, no matter what it might be.

But I'm afraid of suffering and pain. I don't want it. My response to God's call is something like, "Lord, I love you and I will do whatever you ask of me...as long as it doesn't involve profound suffering. I'll take a little suffering, but not anything big, OK?"

I'm ashamed to admit this. I see it as one of the biggest obstacles to my spiritual growth. I've been trying to resolve my anxieties and lack of trust for years now, but I don't seem to be much closer to the goal of abandonment I've set myself. I shouldn't fear the future. After all,

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I think part of the problem is that my life is so easy, suffering seems preventable and unnecessary. It's somewhat counter intuitive, but the closer you are to suffering, the easier it is to accept. When I first discovered I was pregnant last July, I spent three weeks in a constant state of dread and anxiety, wondering if my nausea would be as bad as it had been with my second. Once it became clear that I would be throwing up several times a day, I sort of just accepted it and prepared for the long haul. It wasn't easy, by any means. But the only way out is through. In the same way, it can be more stressful to dread an experience (such as surgery or the adoption process) than to actually go through it.

I hope...no...I am confident that, should the worst befall me or my family, I would not lose faith in God. Rather, I would rely on Him and rest in Him to cope with the pain, emotional or otherwise. In the meantime, I can use those sleepless nights and anxious moments to pray for people who are actually suffering, and I can offer up my anxiety for those with mental illness. Whatever may come, there's no way it could ever be as bad as some of the things people must deal with around the world.

In the spirit of taking the poor with me, I can use my fears to draw closer to those who are in need, and to remind me that I am, truly, very blessed.

She's Here!

I apologize for the missing post! I tried to use the iPad and was only able to post the title.

Our precious baby girl arrived on Monday morning at last! I am so happy and relieved to finally meet her face to face, and to be done with the nausea of this pregnancy. I don't have the brain power for much of a post, except to say that God is abundantly generous and we are all so very grateful for the blessing of our new family member.

Labor was very fast and the birth went as perfectly as it could. My mom and husband helped me every step of the way and I'm so thankful for their presence and their love.

Waiting

It's a bit ironic that this pregnancy, which has been the hardest for me, is also lasting the longest! I am past my due date now, still suffering nausea most of the day, and limited in my movements due to the Symphisis Pubic Disfunction I've had since month 5. Everyone says walking helps to bring on labor, but unfortunately I just can't do very much of that. I did get all the way down to the end of the block and back yesterday, woo hoo! I am very grateful for the chiropractic care I've received, as I am confident that without it I would be in much greater pain.

Perfect strangers have started giving me advice on how to get labor started. Most of them seem to involve making me even MORE uncomfortable, such as by taking castor oil or eating re-fried beans and the aforementioned walking and walking and walking. A few have alluded to a secret spot on my feet that, when pressed or massaged, will start labor. I'm leery of all these types of things, mostly because I believe that if the baby hasn't come yet, there's a reason. Something isn't fully developed, or it isn't the right moment for her birth. Still, it's awfully tempting to think there's something I could do when in reality, I have NO control whatsoever over the onset of labor!

I've never been pregnant quite this long and am very anxious for labor to start. Being an anxious person, I am highly susceptible to the fears that go along with pregnancy. Yet I know there are no guarantees. The fact is, sometimes things go wrong. When you are so close to new life as you are when pregnant, you are also so much more aware of death. Personally knowing people who have lost babies, either from stillbirth or through cord/placenta accidents, does not help alleviate my fears.

I don't really think that anything will go horribly wrong. One of the books I've read, Birthing From Within, says that "worry is the work of pregnancy." As new mothers, it's part of our responsibility to think about these things, and perhaps that's the reason why so many pregnant women find themselves worrying so often. The right response, of course, is to work through the scary thought, name my feelings, and make decisions on what I would say or do to cope.

Beyond that, however, I need to move forward in an attitude of trust. Whatever God ordains for my birth and my family, it will be for our spiritual good. What always frightens me is the thought that God's will is not mine, yet that's something that brings me comfort, too. After all, wouldn't I rather align my will with God's than force my own way? I know that God loves me, so whatever may come, I can rest in that assurance and know that I will not be alone.

Of course, it would be really nice if I could just have the baby and know that it's all turned out okay! The longer I wait, the more anxious I become, and the more I know I need to work on my trust and abandonment. The baby will come in her own time: in God's own time. Until then, my job is to prepare, pray and wait. Not too different than Mary's job the night before Jesus' passion and death, and thus highly appropriate for Lent. What a blessing that while I'm not physically able to fast, I can share spiritually in Mary's sufferings and anxieties.

I hope to post soon with pictures of the new baby. She has to come at some point soon...right???