Tuesday, October 27, 2009

At least the answer is clear...

The door has been shut on the adoption issue. Worried about cost and the untrustworthiness of international governments, I had looked into fost-adopt domestically. It wasn't ideal for me, particularly the long vetting process and invasive government check-ups, but I was willing to go through it.

However, my husband has made it clear that there is no circumstance under which he'd be willing to adopt a child.

So it appears that it is not God's will for us to help children in this way. As always, it's so difficult to adjust my thinking and my expectations. In my mind I keep thinking, "But I WANT this. Why can't I have it?"

Obviously, that's not the right attitude.

In recent news, a friend of mine has just broken off her engagement with her boyfriend of four years because she wants to "be with other people." As much as I think she's making a terrible mistake (and compounding it with a bunch of sins) I also kind of envy her. There's something so appealing in the idea that if you're not perfectly happy in any given situation, you just change the situation until you get what you want.

In that scenario, though, there's no growth. There's no gaining in humility from letting go of your way in favor of another's. There's no strengthening of will from sticking with something even when it's unpleasant.

I know that to my friend, my bowing to God on this issue is perceived as giving up and letting my husband win. It may feel like that in my more petulant moods, but in my heart I know better.

If God really wanted this for us, He would not have it negatively impact my primary vocation as a wife and mother. In this, at least, I can feel peace. It is not the right time. It may never be the right time. Even though it is a good and right thing I wish to do, God does not wish me to do it.

St. Frances of Rome can hear me on this one. She wanted to be a nun but her family promised her in marriage to a nobleman instead. Crying and begging God to stop the marriage, she was asked by her confessor, "Are you crying because you want to do God's will or because you want God to do yours?"

Thy will be done, Lord. Thine alone.


Jessica said...

Aw, Tienne, I'm sorry you don't, in your words, get what you want.

Though I think you're right about God using the times when we don't get what we want. We wouldn't grow at all if we were allowed to change our minds all the time, and didn't have to deal with some situations on a long, long, long-term basis. It just seems very true to me that that's where we grow, and stretch, and learn to become better and more consistent in our virtues - in those places where we have to just continue on, day after day. "A long obedience in the same direction," is the phrase that springs to mind.

Anonymous said...


I'm sorry for your lost dream, but agree that your attitude about it is right. God always knows what is best, whether we can understand it or not. May He bless you and show you what the next step is.


Mrs T said...

I'm in the EXACT same boat. Trust in God's will. He'll put us exactly where we need to be. :o)

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I'm so sorry to hear that news, but here's a note of encouragement:

As recently as two years ago, my husband felt the same way. He was so closed to the idea of adoption that we couldn't even discuss it past a few words -- he was firm in his stance that adoption just wasn't for him/us. (Not that I was all that open to it either, but he really wasn't.)

Anyway, fast forward to this spring, and suddenly he had an interest in participating in that Kidsave program I was blogging about. Not only that, but he became very open to adopting the child we hosted. In the end we didn't feel called to adopt her -- it just seems like right now wasn't the right time for us -- but he was *very* open to the possibility and is now saying that he thinks it's likely that we'll adopt at some point in the future.

So, just remember that God can and does change hearts! Just because he's not open to it right now doesn't mean he'd never change his mind. Maybe God has the perfect child picked out for you who won't be born for five years yet? :) Anyway, just thought I'd share those thoughts in case you find them encouraging.

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

One other thing - did you ever see this post from Mary at Owlhaven? You might find it inspiring.