Happy New Year!

I'm working on finding myself within my own life!

2014 is here and, like the dawn of a new day, it has brought with it endless and exciting possibilities. I love the New Year. I love Christmastime and the celebrations of Christ's birth, the symbolism of new life, and the drawing closer to God and each other that occurs during the winter months. I have been praying for God to fill me up with love and He has done it...I am overflowing...my cup runneth over!

I spent a harried but joyful Advent preparing for Christmas, only having to let go of two traditions (though I loved them both dearly there simply was not time for it all.) I wrote an email letter instead of sending real Christmas cards (sob) and did not make sugar cookies to cut out and hang on the tree (one of my kids' favorite holiday traditions.) However, we DID: bake a gingerbread house, decorate gingerbread men, trim the tree, drive around looking at Christmas lights, decorate our house, light the Advent wreath, exchange cookies, buy gifts for one and all, watch our favorite Christmas movies, and celebrate with family and friends. Spiritually, I made an effort to be more mindful of the many moments I have throughout the day to spend time communing with God, and I offered Him a birthday gift of forgiveness to those who hurt me during the past year.

Now that the New Year has come, I am preparing to dive deeply into personal growth. It's a continuous effort of mine, and in past years I have dedicated words to represent my resolutions. Previous words have included Patience, Discipline, and Abandonment. I am realizing that any, or all, of these words would do for this year as well, because no matter what the year, my basic resolutions are the same -- draw closer to God, live more fully as His disciple, trust Him, give more of myself to others and be a better wife/mother/daughter/friend. As Jessica Snell eloquently writes in her post on this subject:

It’s okay to make the same resolution every year, I think. It’s even good. The new year is a time to take stock, to remember where we are and where we’re going, and if you find every year that your first thing is still your first thing . . . well, that’s good. It means you were probably right about your priorities. It means you just might be fitting into that wonderful description of the Christian life: “A long obedience in the same direction.”

In preparation for this, I have spent a few days prayerfully writing a Mother's Rule for the new year. Right now it's a beautiful mosaic of colors and plans beckoning me to accomplish all the goals I've set for myself. It's not so much a schedule to which I need to perfectly adhere, but rather I think it's a starting point, a place from which I reorient my priorities and evaluate whether I have balance in my daily life.

Specifics I plan to concentrate on in the New Year include:

Spiritual Reading of the non-blog kind
Less time in front of screens
Finishing projects!!
Experiencing joy in the moment

Vices I plan to decrease are pride and gluttony.
 

Blessed Advent

Just a short post to say that God is so great, so faithful, and so merciful! He has lifted the depression and enabled me to find hope and joy again, just in time for Advent. I hope to post something a little more detailed and useful in the coming days if I can find time in between writing the Xmas letter, ordering gifts, decorating, baking, monitoring homework assignments, fighting with the toddler about getting dressed, and celebrating with the kids. Much love!

Picture credit.

Choosing Truth

When all else is lost, when there is nothing -- no solace, no healing, no relief, and no hope -- the only thing we can do is rely on the truth.

This I know: There is one faith in this world that promotes love for all, a sense of responsibility for the least among us, a life of service and sacrifice intended to ease the suffering of others, a sense of community with those here and those who have gone beyond, and ultimately, a loving reward for those who choose to open their hearts to it. That is the Catholic faith.

When people say "God is enough" I think this is what they mean. It is enough that I hold to the truth and am faithful to it, to the best of my limited ability, even in my weakness. It guarantees nothing...nothing except forgiveness of my sins and the gates opening for me. And that is enough.

It is enough that I believe. That I try. That I continue on and let Truth guide my choices.

In so many ways, control is an illusion, a First World promise that fails to deliver. Christianity does not promise me prosperity in this life, success in business or relationships, comfort, physical health, or happiness. Millions of Christians around the world are suffering and have no way to stop the pain or protect the ones they love from physical or emotional harm. Truth is all they have. Eternity is their only promise.

To have expectations for anything different is a fallacy and a lie.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. There is really never a time when I want to clean the darn kitchen. During the day I think to myself, eh, I'll do it after dinner. After dinner I think, eh, I'll do it after the kids are in bed. Then I am tired and think, eh, I'll do it in the morning. So when I wake up I come downstairs and this is what greets me:

So I think, eh, I'll do it after breakfast....

2.  I have decided not to push my 10 year old son to do his homework. My son is brilliant and wonderful, but struggles with ADHD. He simply will NOT do what he doesn't want to do. We had three weeks of battles wherein I used the wooden spoon to motivate him, and then I decided: This is not the mom I want to be. This is not the relationship I want to have. This is not the environment I want in my home. Homework is only worth 10% of his grade, so I have decided I will keep up with the assignments on teacher's blogs and Homework Hotline but leave it up to him if he is going to actually do it or not. I will concentrate my energy on studying for tests and helping him with special projects. It has been wonderfully freeing and really helped me feel more love for him because we are not in a constant war anymore.

3. Due to food intolerances among family members, digestive issues for me, and a special diet to help with the ADHD, we have been trying to stick to a gluten-free and dairy-free diet, and I can't do eggs either. I have been frequenting Paleo blogs and relying on my Nourishing Traditions cookbook to make the most nutrient-dense and gut-healthy meals I can, given these restrictions. A typical day consists of the following:

ME

Breafast: Homemade zucchini muffins using soaked rice flour, almond meal, and substituting flax seed for eggs, black tea, bacon

Snack: Rice crackers with kefir cheese, cucumber and smoked salmon

Lunch: salad with red pepper, cucumber, carrots, goat cheese, almonds and chicken breast, balsalmic vinegar and oil dressing (or last night's leftovers)

Snack: Fruit or corn chips with guacamole

Dinner: Beef meatballs made with shredded zucchini and garlic in  marinara sauce, roasted vegetables

Snack: homemade yogurt with walnuts, apples and a drizzle of honey

KIDS

Breakfast: gluten free peanut butter sandwiches 

Snack: Uncookies (peanut butter, egg, banana, baking soda and chocolate chips)

Lunch: chopped ham or salami slices, carrots, grapes

Snack: Fruit leather or gluten-free granola bar

Snack: chips and salsa

Snack: apple

Snack: banana and peanut butter

Snack: carrots and hummus

Dinner: hot dog, snap peas, rice (very rarely, what I've cooked)

Snack: nuts and raisins

It's limited, and there's waaaay to much reliance on nuts. I still don't think it's where it needs to be, but it is a huge improvement from when I was pregnant, and I'd rather they snack on nuts than chips or cereal, so there's that.

4. I am not going to volunteer in my kids classrooms this year, or teach catechism. It was a hard decision, but I chose instead to do an ENDOW class on the Letter to Women and start up my volunteering with Catholic Charities Archdiocesan Housing again. My priorities right now have to be my own spiritual nourishment and preserving time to run errands, go to doctor's appointments, and keep on top of the household. I feel at peace with the decision, even though I would like to be able to do more.

5. My daughter's American Heritage Girls uniform  and handbook finally arrived! We are so excited and have already started working on her first badge, in the Arts Frontier. I am really hoping that this gives her a taste of the pride and satisfaction that comes from working hard to earn something.

6. I watched Les Miserables over the last three nights in one hour increments after the kids were in bed. Magnificent! My favorite part was how God and the Church were presented in a positive light as the source of hope and renewal, rather than as backwards hypocrites or sexual predators. It saddens me that the secular culture is so anti-Catholic that I honestly expected to see negative portrayals of my faith, and was pleasantly surprised when I didn't. 

7. Please pray for me. I am still struggling in many ways.

For more Quick Takes visit Jen!

Fast and Pray

I am feeling very hopeless about Syria this week, because while I agree with Pope Francis that the answer is for all the involved parties to put down their arms, forgive the past, and build a relationship for the future based on trust and mutual respect, the sad truth is: I can't even do that in my own relationships, so to expect it of people who have watched their children suffer and die and lived for decades under a repressive government is just so impossible that it's ridiculous to suggest it.

Which is precisely why Pope Francis calls for a day of prayer and fasting this Saturday.

Because it's not the Syrians who are going to be able to do this by themselves. The power of God is the only thing that can achieve it.

How blessed we are to belong to a Church that calls on us (the Brothers and Sisters of those suffering)  and asks that we participate in the miracle our world so desperately needs.

Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for us.

Image Source.

I have been in new-baby land, sleep deprived and overwhelmed, feeling like everything I do is falling short in one way or another. And I don't want to post about my struggles, because that's a downer. But I don't have much else to write about because I have no thoughts other than "Lord, I really need some fun in my life, please help me figure out how to get it." and "Oh crap I forgot to [insert task here]."

People are looking at my harried, tired expression as I push the double stroller containing a messy, mismatched toddler and a squalling infant who needs to be fed while my older kids follow behind, bickering. Some of them are holding doors open for me and saying things like, "You've got your hands full!" Others say nothing, but I feel they are thinking, "Yowza, I'm glad I'm not her."

And part of me feels like I need to tell them they're wrong, that my hands are not full, that anyone can handle four kids. I feel like I am a walking illustration for those Catholics who mock/reject Church teaching on NFP as burdensome and unattainable. I feel shame for not presenting the perfect, happy portrait of a mom with four children in the joy of young motherhood. I feel like I'm letting someone down...not sure who...it's just there, hanging over me, like I should be better at this because I have a house cleaner and two babysitters and a husband who pitches in.

God always seems to send me balm when I am smarting. Today I read this post and wanted to share it with all of you:

http://abigails-alcove.blogspot.com/2013/07/on-bookshelf-jim-gaffigans-dad-is-fat.html

Thank you, Abigail, for expressing this so nicely!

The joy of a new boy!

Our sweet new baby arrived at the end of June, praise God! He came about a week before his due date, on the feast day of St. JoseMaria Escriva, which made me incredibly happy, as St. JoseMaria is my Saint for the Year as chosen in January by Jen Fulwiler's Saint Generator. How's that for God's hand at work?

Since his arrival I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. I am so thankful to God that he is healthy and strong. I am so glad the pregnancy is over and my health, energy, and functionality has returned! I am so grateful to all those who prayed for me and the baby, brought us meals, sent money so we could hire help, and took care of us when we couldn't.

Things are much better now that the baby is here. Of course, now that the baby is here I suddenly have four children, and WOW, is there a learning curve. I talked with a good friend of mine (who will be this baby's Godmother) with six kids, and she said flat out that there's a huge difference between three kids and four. "Don't let anyone fool you," she told me. "Four kicks your butt."

Yep. But in a good way.

So I have been completely overwhelmed and busy in a way that I don't ever remember being busy before. I have also gotten help in the form of a weekly house cleaner, a morning babysitter, an afternoon babysitter who drives, and disposable diapers. I might get to the point where I am ready to switch to cloth, but for right now I am acknowledging my weakness and my limitations and I am simply letting that go.

My mood is all over the place. I am seeing a new therapist who is helping me learn Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills. I am neither Bipolar nor suicidal, but I do believe my depression is largely situational rather than chemical. We will try this method (which has had success with severely depressed patients) and see how I respond.

The good news is that now that I am no longer pregnant, my nausea has completely disappeared and I can concentrate on putting real, nutritious food into my body instead of driving through Steak and Shake every day for a double cheeseburger and fries. I am a big advocate of natural healing through real food. Part of my pregnancy depression stemmed from my powerlessness to eat the way I believe is optimally healthy. Now that the baby is out, the whole family is gluten-free and organic. I'm not saying food is the only answer, but I definitely believe it has an impact on my energy level, my mood, and my ability to deal with everything that's on my plate. Plus, it tastes good! I am so happy to enjoy my meals and cook again.

The older kids are in love with their new brother and are constantly begging to hold him, kiss him, and pet him. The joy he brings with his arrival is such a blessing.

I'm typing this post while nursing, of course, and listening to my sweet little newborn sigh and slurp. Is there anything sweeter than a brand new baby?