Perspective

I'm late on 7 Quick Takes because I'm only online on Sundays. Hopefully I can jump in without penalty!

1. It's very unlikely we will homeschool next year. While I see successes in some areas, the overall atmosphere is very unpleasant. My son hates learning and complains no matter what task I set him to. He procrastinates and sulks and sabotages his assignments, which makes me so frustrated that I lose my temper and create exactly the kind of environment that experts say prevents a child's ability to learn. I've prayed for strength, for patience, for guidance, and it comes down to this: it's not working. I want to be open minded and accept that homeschool might not be right for us.

2. So we are in the process of finding a school for him. I'd like to make the financial sacrifice and send him to our parish school, if only because at least that way he'd still get to Mass once during the week and would receive catechism instruction on a daily basis. I'm not yet convinced, though, that the benefits of a Catholic education outweigh the financial burden. But I found the public school overcrowded when we visited last week, so if I had to choose, I'd prefer the private school.

3. I am starting to get really super-excited about the idea of having some time to myself every day. I could work on my book. Possibly (gulp) finish it! I could do fun stuff with my son instead of having all our interactions be adversarial! I could schedule doctors appointments that don't involve my kids shouting and screaming and barging in while I'm being examined! I could sit at Mass and actually pray in silence! Wow!

4. I am also really, fundamentally, depressed about this. It's hard not to feel like a failure. If I were a better teacher, perhaps my son wouldn't fight learning so much. It saddens me that he'll have so much less time now for role play and adventuring. I hate that he'll be gone 7 hours every day and that he'll probably be spending most of that sitting down at a desk. I am deeply worried about his social interactions, both the influences he'll be exposed to as well as the potential for bullying. This just isn't what I wanted for him.

5. My dad has invited us to visit Malta with him this summer. I haven't been since I was three, and this time I really want to explore the churches and the monuments and take a boat tour and all sorts of amazing things that you can do on an island in the middle of the Mediterranean that was settled by ancient Romans! I am supremely blessed with family members who buy me vacations to wonderful places. Unfortunately, I am afraid to fly and will probably spend the entire time over the ocean going through decade after decade of the Rosary. Eh. Prayers are never a bad thing.

6. Last year, I declined requests to be a catechist at my Parish as well as a co-leader for my moms group and planning member of the Colorado Catholic Homeschoolers conference because we were planning to be open to life in January and I didn't think it was a good idea to commit to a volunteer position and then disappear off the face of the Earth halfway through. I'm facing the same choice again for the fall, which is when we are next planning to be open to life again after the unforeseen ectopic pregnancy I experienced a few months ago. Part of me thinks it's ridiculous to plan for something that may not happen, the rest of me thinks that ALL plans may not happen so that's stupid logic. I have been feeling a pull to take more risks and trust God more lately. So perhaps I'll go ahead and volunteer, and then trust that people will figure things out if we are blessed as we hope to be in the fall.

7. And in news that illuminates posts 1 - 6 as the frivolous prattle of a person with no real problems, I found out yesterday that a friend is pregnant. She's really not in a very good place right now and can't afford another baby. I don't want to say any more out of respect for her privacy, but I do ask that you pray for R--. She is not considering an abortion at all, but she is very worried about how they can manage, and she needs a great deal of help.

More Quick Takes at Conversion Diary!

At least the answer is clear...

The door has been shut on the adoption issue. Worried about cost and the untrustworthiness of international governments, I had looked into fost-adopt domestically. It wasn't ideal for me, particularly the long vetting process and invasive government check-ups, but I was willing to go through it.

However, my husband has made it clear that there is no circumstance under which he'd be willing to adopt a child.

So it appears that it is not God's will for us to help children in this way. As always, it's so difficult to adjust my thinking and my expectations. In my mind I keep thinking, "But I WANT this. Why can't I have it?"

Obviously, that's not the right attitude.

In recent news, a friend of mine has just broken off her engagement with her boyfriend of four years because she wants to "be with other people." As much as I think she's making a terrible mistake (and compounding it with a bunch of sins) I also kind of envy her. There's something so appealing in the idea that if you're not perfectly happy in any given situation, you just change the situation until you get what you want.

In that scenario, though, there's no growth. There's no gaining in humility from letting go of your way in favor of another's. There's no strengthening of will from sticking with something even when it's unpleasant.

I know that to my friend, my bowing to God on this issue is perceived as giving up and letting my husband win. It may feel like that in my more petulant moods, but in my heart I know better.

If God really wanted this for us, He would not have it negatively impact my primary vocation as a wife and mother. In this, at least, I can feel peace. It is not the right time. It may never be the right time. Even though it is a good and right thing I wish to do, God does not wish me to do it.

St. Frances of Rome can hear me on this one. She wanted to be a nun but her family promised her in marriage to a nobleman instead. Crying and begging God to stop the marriage, she was asked by her confessor, "Are you crying because you want to do God's will or because you want God to do yours?"

Thy will be done, Lord. Thine alone.

Pizza Night

I love pizza. L.O.V.E. love it, and I don't care if it's full of carbs, or fat, or whatever, I like it and I want to eat it often. However, I do not like bad pizza...the greasy, limp, cardboard kind with tangy sauce and canned toppings and way too much salt. So I'm constantly on the quest for good pizza. We've found a place here in Denver that might have the awesomest pizza known to man. Beau Jos. They're historic, green, community minded, and about as healthy as pizza can get, plus their pies are heavenly.

However, their prices are just not at a level that allows us to eat there once a week, which is what we'd do if I had my druthers.

So I've been working on perfecting pizza night at our house. The kids get really into it, and I am blessed with a husband who eats whatever I put in front of him, so I don't have to worry too much about experimenting.

Tonight I made a pesto pizza with feta, tomato, Kalamata olives and red onion, a regular pizza with mushrooms and spinach, and individual cheese pizzas for the kids. At Christmas last year I bought my son a set of 4 individual pizza trays and a kid-sized rolling pin (isn't Montessori great?) Now he rolls out his dough, slops on the sauce and cheese, and gets to feel the pride of a master chef when he sees his creation come browned and bubbling out of the oven. My bread maker spits out PERFECT pizza dough, and the large size splits exactly into 4 mini pizzas and two medium ones for us adults. I even use 1/2 whole wheat flour and the dough is still stretchy and pliable. Plus, with the bread maker, I only need to spend about an hour in the kitchen, comparable to my normal cooking routine.

I've calculated it out, and even ignoring the benefits of making the kids ridiculously happy and avoiding for one night the dinner-table struggle to get the kids to eat, and the fun of preparing the pizzas as a family, and the satisfaction of being able to choose exactly what toppings go on it, pizza night at our house costs less than $15 (and that's with exotic ingredients like feta cheese and Kalamata olives. Without those it'd be under $10.)

I love finding the perfect spot between saving money and creating happiness. Pizza night does both.

A Childhood Lost

One of the first things that got me interested in Africa and its people was my contact with a Nigerian priest sent to the Archdiocese of Chicago. My parents befriended him soon after he arrived, and he has been a fixture in my life ever since.

He is a remarkable man; full of life and song, overflowing with love, energy and personality. Looking into his face at any moment, you would see joy and a genuine enthusiasm for your own company. In every way, he radiates a remarkable and infectious spirit.

What you would not see from looking at him, or ever guess from his demeanor or conversation, is that he was a child soldier. I do not want to divulge details, but they are really unnecessary save for one important fact: his time as a soldier ended.

He is one of the lucky ones who have been able (through the assistance of, in his case, the Catholic Church) to recover from the psychological abuse they suffered at the hands of the armies who trained them. Many others die before reaching adulthood, or are so twisted by the drugs and brainwashing they endure that even when released from the army they are unable to function in society.

Their numbers are rising. A recent map compiled by PBS highlights 18 countries where child soldiers have served, and UNICEF places their numbers at around 10% of the total number of combatants worldwide (some 300,000.) Children are attractive recruits for a variety of reasons, but primarily because they are cheap to feed and easily manipulated. Many of the armies who use child soldiers target civilians, and it is more expensive and more difficult to motivate an adult to kill innocent people than it is to brainwash or drug a child to do the same. In some cases, the targets of such warfare become the next wave of combatants -- when a unit of these soldiers arrives in a village their orders are often to kill/rape all the adults and abduct the children to be trained as soldiers.

The brainwashing begins immediately. If a child refuses to join willingly, the army kills his/her brother or sister, mother or father, or uses mutilation and torture to show them the futility of resisting. Once at the camp, they are fed a combination of drugs to dull their senses, confuse and energize them. One former child soldier referred to the combination of cocaine, alcohol and marijuana he took before a raid as a "morale booster."

Sexual abuse is common and widespread. Girls as young as 13 or 14 are openly used by the adult officers and the children that inevitably result are used to carry ammunition, run errands or test landmines before being added to the army when they are old enough. Boys are abused as well, either by being raped themselves or by being forced to rape others. Those who refuse or try to escape are killed or tortured.

The pain and trauma do not end when the war ends, either. Child soldiers remember many of the brutal acts they were forced to commit, they have nightmares and anxiety about the things they did or that were done to them. They can rarely go home; people remember what they did as soldiers and can neither trust nor forgive them. They are not usually seen as victims of war, though that is exactly what they are. Even those with families still living usually face ostracism, especially the girls who have been raped and borne children. The psychological damage is difficult to repair, and former child soldiers still feel violent tendencies and irrational hatred for groups or ethnicities they were trained to eliminate. Most of them are significantly behind in their schooling and have no social skills or ability to resolve conflicts without resorting to violence. Rehabilitation and retraining are essential.

While the UN has established prohibitions against the use of child soldiers (anyone under 18) enforcement is sorely lacking. Rehabilitation programs are severely underfunded. What is needed most is a greater recognition of the problem and a concerted effort to support those organizations working to end/repair the practice of children as soldiers. This interview discusses the essential role religious NGOs play in the reintegration of former child soldiers back into normal life. To put it simply, governmental organizations can only do so much, and are often only given money on a temporary or emergency basis. The long-term job of working with communities to allow former child soldiers back into society is mostly done by religious organizations with a continued presence in the area. We must support them.

Christ came to us as a little child, called the children to Himself and told us all, "Unless you are like these little children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." Here at Christmastime, when we celebrate the miracle of God With Us, let us pray for those children who have been warped by war, their innocence and trust stripped away, their childlike energies used to commit terrible crimes. Let us pray for hope and healing, for forgiveness and reconciliation amongst all the victims of these crimes.

The following organizations* work to eliminate the use of child soldiers:
Amnesty International
Childsoldiers.net
Child Soldier Relief
Global Youth Partnership for Africa
Human Rights Watch
International Red Cross and Red Crescent
International Rescue Committee
Invisible Children
UNICEF
War Child International
Virtue Foundation

For futher reading, please try:
Children at War
A Long Way Gone
First, Kill Your Family
http://childrenwithguns.blogspot.com/

* This is probably a subject for another post, but I want to briefly address it here. It is my belief (guided by the precepts of my faith) that many charitable organizations are misguided on certain issues (abortion, contraception, religious freedom and/or sexual orientation, to name a few.) I know many people of good conscience who refrain from assisting such associations monetarily. I respect this but do not agree. I think the battle against those things we disagree with must be waged actively and vocally, but not at the expense of the good and important work these organizations are also doing. The exception to this is when the organization is DIRECTLY harming the very population I am giving them money to help. When I learned, for instance, that the IRC provides abortions as part of its "health services" to victims of rape in the Congo, I stopped sending them money to help rape victims. I would, however, provide them money for refugee camps (unless I found out they perform abortions there, too.)

Charitable organizations are bound by law to appropriate money only to those programs the donor indicates. An open check sent to the Red Cross can be used for anything, but one which says specifically that the donor intends it for flood relief can then ONLY be used for flood relief. I take advantage of this to ensure that my money does not support things I do not believe in, even if the larger organization itself supports such things.

For Catholics who wish to ensure none of their contributions are spent on activities that conflict with the principles of our faith, I recommend Catholic Relief Services, which is present in nearly every country in the world and has a widespread mission of providing material and spiritual assistance to every person in need.

I also want to note: if I provide a direct link to an organization on this site, that indicates it has been personally vetted and I have not found any evidence that it either provides abortions or is funded/managed by an organization who does.

Picture credit.

Foster Care

A friend who works with the juvenile justice system in Detroit sent me this link to a series of articles about a child who was not served by the foster care system in that area. It doesn't have a good end, so you might not want to read it if you are pregnant or particularly sensitive to such things.

Ricky's Story

Obviously, we've only begun to learn the whole story, as this is a 14 part series. A few things struck me as I was reading.

The mother in this family viewed having a child as her right. She wasn't in a good place mentally, nor did she have the kind of marriage that would create a loving home for a child. Plus, she had fertility problems but couldn't afford to have them looked into. All of this screams "Not right now" on the baby front, but she would not listen. She pushed for what she wanted to satisfy her craving, even though she wasn't ready.

Sometimes God places obstacles in our path for a reason. Our best response is to accept His answer and work on ourselves.

Catholic Charities recommended a change in this boy's situation, but the state agency didn't listen. The caseworker who met with Ricky assessed his mental state on a regular basis and saw that he was becoming more emotionally unstable and developing aggressive tendencies. She thought he would be best served if he was the only child in the foster home and if his parents were trained to give consistent, loving discipline. Yet the state continued to place more children in his home without demanding that the parents undergo any kind of parenting classes or counseling.

It's not surprising to me that Catholic Charities had the true interests of the child at heart, while the state was more concerned with placing as many children as possible. I've heard this from other sources, too, when I was looking into becoming a foster parent myself. It makes me increasingly convinced that we need MORE families to open their homes to these children. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's risky. But the state agencies are so strapped for somewhere to put these kids that they ignore potential danger signs and place children in abusive homes because there's no where else to put them. Pray with me that more families will hear the call to look after these children and accept the challenges and rewards it will bring.

The parents in this situation used archaic and heavy-handed discipline methods. When Ricky wouldn't stay in bed, they tied him there. If the kids acted up, they were locked in their rooms or sent to bed hungry. These aren't methods of discipline as God intends. They do not honor the inherent dignity of the child as a person, nor do they allow the child to learn to make good decisions or exercise his own judgment. All they do is inflict fear and humiliation.

If we consider our children as possessions, we will treat them as such. Anytime they do not conform to our desires, we will punish them until they are trained to respond to us without question.

But if we see our children as blessings, as gifts from God to be nurtured and cared for, then we understand that they are their own selves in need of guidance and instruction, not punishment. As much as possible, we need to give our children choices, knowledge, and the tools to discipline themselves. Tying a child to the bed or locking them in their room relies on force to elicit compliance. Sometimes children need to do what they don't want to do. Of course. It would be irresponsible of us to allow our children to eat candy for lunch or watch TV all day. But the methods we use must allow for the exercise of their own free will, as well.

Pray with me for parents who are struggling with their vocation. For children who are in abusive homes or unstable situations. Pray with me that we might all turn our attention to those in need of love and support, and provide it to the best of our ability.