Take the Poor With You: A Journey in Radical Stewardship

7 Quick Takes Friday

2012-01-13T12:18:00.005-07:00

1. I keep having posts run through my head but then I am not A. organized enough to sit down and type them or B. confident enough that they're worth writing. So I figured I'd do a few, briefly, and see if they turn into anything longer.

2. Wednesday was End Human Trafficking day. I've posted on this before, and here are some other good ideas for how to get involved: visit Not For Sale, which has an App for the iPhone to scan barcodes and see if the companies have adequate policies in place to address child labor in its product chain. Sponsor someone marching in DC at the Project to End Human Trafficking. Sign a petition (or two) on Change.org in the Human Trafficking section. Take the survey to determine your Slavery Footprint (I have 55 slaves working for me) and become more aware about the issue. Fast and pray for those caught up in trafficking, both for victims and perpetrators.

3. At my mother's group, which meets twice a month, we do a monthly challenge. January's is to sacrifice for my husband the way I sacrifice for my kids. So often we pour ourselves out for these small souls, wiping up their bodily functions or playing ponies when it's the last thing we feel like doing, yet we are joyful in our giving and do not ask for recompense. The challenge is to carry that over into our marriage this month, to give wholly out of love without expecting anything in return. I think it's such a lovely thought, and the timing is good because my husband is pretty stressed with work right now and I have many opportunities to pour love out on him!

4. I've been working on changing our eating habits to be more in line with a Nourishing Traditions approach. It means eating more fermented products, soaking my grains before cooking them, and generally eating a more traditional diet. So far I'm loving it. Our "beef" with the Paleo diet (which we tried over the summer) was that it required far too much reliance on meat as the base, and we don't think this is either economical or globally sustainable. However, knowing that properly prepared grains are beneficial to the body, and stretching meat the way our great-grandmothers used to do (like using bones to make broth and flavor soups, or by eating organs and other cheap cuts) we can eat well and nourish ourselves fully, without breaking the bank or contributing to food shortages.

5. We're going to Disneyworld this year. I am freaking out about it on so many different levels. I am trying my best not to be that person in the family who complains and looks negatively at anything new or challenging, but it's hard because my personality tends to the over-reaction side of things. For now, I am trying to keep the crazy mostly between myself and God, where it belongs, and be positive with those who are joining me on the trip. Advice from those of you with small children who have gone is much appreciated!

6. I struggle with impatience. I'm in good company, I know. It seems to be a national problem, and I believe it's what has put our economy in this precarious position , and what's contributed to our rising obesity rate. This year I have decided to work on this fault, and have chosen as my word for 2012 "gentleness." Gentle people are not impatient. They wait humbly, or else quietly do as they think right without making a fuss. I hope this will improve my parenting, make me abetter wife and friend, and draw me closer to God in emulation of that paragon of gentleness, Mary.

7. I did start these on Friday. Sigh.

More Quick Takes at Jen's site.

Seven Quick Takes Friday

2011-12-23T15:52:00.003-07:00

1. I love this season. I love the decorations, the food, the gift-giving, the songs, the traditions and most of all, the joy of celebrating our Lord's birth! I am grateful every day for the fact that I'm healthy this year, and can enjoy the season to the fullest. I have been baking, decorating the house, shopping and wrapping, and we are 100% ready for Christmas day. I even have everything I need to make our Christmas dinner, woo hoo!

2. We made a gingerbread house the other day, and gingerbread men with the leftover dough, and I am having to stop myself from ducking into the kitchen every three minutes to eat another one, they are that good. I used coconut oil instead of the prescribed Crisco, because ew! Crisco! and they are soft with just the right amount of chewiness. I am definitely going to add this to our Christmas holiday traditions.

3. One of my favorite things to do to celebrate the holiday is watch White Christmas. I just love that movie; it's so campy and sappy and perfect. I love the whole 50's look, with the skirts and heels and red lipstick, hair perfect in every shot, the girls wearing makeup to bed and everything. It's a sweet little fantasy, a romance with a "misunderstanding" to make things interesting, a musical with kickin' dancing, and it's all for the troops, to boot. We also watch every version of "A Christmas Carol" that we can get our hands on, including the Muppets and the 1936 version, which is my son's and father-in-law's favorite.

4. I am keeping those less fortunate in mind this season, as well. For a few years now we've been setting aside $50 a month for use at Christmastime, and it makes it possible for me to get presents for a family through our Church giving tree. I can't even express the joy I get from being able to do that. I think I may have gone a bit overboard this year, but I have decided I'm just going to be generous and trust that God will find a way to cover it.

5. Christmas is a bit of a difficult time for my husband's side of the family. My FIL's dad died around Christmas, and his mom lost a baby at 41 weeks around this time, too. There was always a kind of sadness and sense of loss attached to the holiday. I know that for many people, this season does bring back hard memories, and it's hard to find joy sometimes. So I try to keep that in mind, and pray for those going through difficulties.

6. Having my kids at home all day is a mixed bag. On the one hand, I love watching them interact with each other and getting to share their enthusiasm for the holiday. We've done a few fun projects (like the gingerbread house) which we just don't have time for usually. On the other hand, it's hard to be without the relief of school so at least I can get a handle on the cleaning and cooking, plus when things go bad, there are more people to escalate the situation.

7. We received a HUGE snowfall yesterday (between 10 and 27 inches in various areas) and it reminded me of that old Chinese story about good fortune and bad fortune. We got lovely snow at Christmas! YAY! Except that my car got stuck in it. Boo! Then the neighbors came and pushed me out! YAY! And then it got stuck again. Boo! But we were close enough to walk home. YAY! But then I couldn't get a meal to a friend with a new baby like I had promised. Boo. But that meant I didn't have to cook dinner for us. YAY! Except we were trapped at home all day. Boo! So the kids built a snow tunnel and played outside. YAY! Which meant they tracked mud and snow all inside. Boo. So I used the opportunity to clean my kitchen floor. YAY! I could go on in this vein for some time but you get the idea. I just thought to myself: God makes all things good for those who love Him. Gotta roll with it, right?

Merry Christmas to one and all!

See Jen's blog for more Quick Takes.

Taking a Leap

2011-11-09T10:54:00.004-07:00

It's pretty clear to me what I am being called to do. This post, and this one, and this one, and the first comment on this one all point to the same conclusion: Stop trying to do it all yourself and just give it to God.

And these are all posts within the last week or so.

When I began this blog, I wanted to highlight the ways we, as blessed inhabitants of a wealthy and prosperous nation, can live our lives in solidarity with the poor. My path was waylaid immediately by what I thought at the time was an obstacle: my husband's opposition to giving to charity. So I changed my focus and dedicated myself to budgeting and saving, non-monetary giving, and prayer.

It's not at all that I think I made the wrong choice or anything, but I think I had the wrong attitude about it. I thought at the time, "I'll just do all these things in obedience to what God is calling me to do, and He will change my husband's heart so we'll be able to give to charity." I also thought, "God will help me save money so we will be in a good financial position and have extra to give to the poor."

Um. So. That totally hasn't happened. At all. The irony is, we are in excellent financial position. We have paid off all our debt and saved three to four months worth of salary for emergency spending. My husband has gotten a raise. We've made improvements on our house that actually saved us money in the long run (winterizing, etc.)

But we don't seem to have any money for the poor. My husband had suggested that any money left over in the monthly budget could be split 50/50 between savings and charity. Not only have we not had any money left over for the last year, but we have been overspending our monthly budget by hundreds and hundreds of dollars. In fact, just from overspending, we've gone back into debt.

My husband is dumbfounded. "How is this happening?" he asked me the other night. "We used to be able to get by with less! We have more money than we ever have and we're spending more!"

I didn't have an answer for him, but in praying about it (and reading blogs that coincidentally all say the same things) it seems pretty obvious to me what the problem is. We're not giving God His money. The whole idea of budgeting and scrimping so we can save some "extra" for the poor has the entire thing backwards. We should be giving freely to the poor, and trusting in God to provide for us, as He did when we gave $100 to the IRC instead of buying groceries.

I am petrified. And completely at a loss. This whole trusting God thing is exceedingly difficult for me, and I am very, very worried about how it might affect my marriage. Can I be completely honest? It's not even that I worry about our financial situation, or making my husband mad. My real fear, the deepest, most central fear that's stopping me from taking a leap of faith, is that it won't work, and it will be just one more reason for my husband not to believe in God.

What if we do this, if we give to God and then He doesn't provide? I've seen friends who attempted great things for God fail utterly and completely (in the eyes of the world.) It didn't rock their faith, they were never in a situation where they had no food or no home, and I think it led them to a better place, but as far as my husband is concerned, they listened to a voice that wasn't there and completely ruined their finances. I don't want to fall into a prosperity gospel trap here and move forward recklessly, expecting that strangers are going to drop checks on our porch to pay my kids' tuition. But if my husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to tithing, we might not hear the same message, and what to me is a sacrifice for the greater good might to my husband be a failure or an untenable compromise.

And of course, I care more about what God wants me to do than what my husband may or may not think, but it doesn't seem right to me that I am forced to choose. It doesn't seem to me that God would ask something of me that would harm my marriage.

Which leads me to think that He is in control of this, and that good will come of it.

But I'm still petrified. And I don't know how to start.

Picture credit: Movie still from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, brain child of the illustrious Mr. George Lucas (George Lucas & Jeffrey Boam, Paramount Pictures, Lucasfilm, May 24, 1989.)

7 Quick Takes Friday (Procrastinator's Edition)

2011-10-29T07:13:00.003-07:00

1. I left the house yesterday morning at 8:25 and didn't return until 4, then had to accompany my daughter to a Halloween party which began at 6, so I feel I have some excuse for not getting this quick takes out yesterday. (Of course, one might have written it on Thursday were one truly committed to getting it out on time...)

2. I don't know why I can never find the camera when the cutest moments are happening. Last night my daughter wanted to go to the party as Ursula the Sea Witch, so I stuffed two pairs of silver dotted black tights with pantyhose and pinned them to her black skirt/leggings so they looked like tentacles, spread purple eyeshadow all over her face, and put on some red lipstick. The baby, in her borrowed frog costume, couldn't have been cuter. And I went to the effort of doing up my eyes for an Egyptian Queen costume I've had since college...and we could not find the camera for our lives. And then this morning I located it in my purse, where I'm sure I checked last night. Darnit.

3. My son wants to be Lion-O from the Thundercats. I loved the Thundercats as a kid and have been sharing his excitement about the reboot on Cartoon Network. Unfortunately, they don't make Lion-O costumes that you can buy. So since I am a pie-in-the-sky dreamer with an inflated sense of my abilities, a perfectionist, and a procrastinator, I am only about 25% done with the handsewn Lion-O costume I promised to make him for Halloween...which is on Monday.

4. I, um, won't be doing much for the next two days except trying to figure out how to sew a Lion-O costume.

5. I am getting raw milk for the first time on Monday! I am so excited about this. For those who may not know, raw milk is unpasteurized so it contains all the beneficial enzymes that conventional milk does not. I've found a great local source, thanks to Dyno-Mom, with milk from grass fed cows delivered to my area weekly. My daughter is lactose intolerant with constipation and stomachaches, and we have denied her milk for the past 8 months with varying degrees of success. I am so excited that she may do well on raw milk and we can add this important food back into her diet.

6. Every year at Halloween, I go out and buy two big bags of candy (I go for our favorites: Milky Way/3 Musketeers/Snickers combo bag and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups) and every year we get around 10 Trick-or-Treaters, leaving us with 2 lbs of temptation. My kids go out and get tons more, enough to fill up the big black cauldron I have for the purpose, and then spend the next two months begging for candy and throwing tantrums when I remind them it's one piece a day after dinner. So this year, I only bought 16 pieces of candy (2 8-packs at the dollar store.) When my kids bring candy into the house (they've already gotten about 15 pieces from trick or treating at the Halloween party last night, getting "booed" by friendly neighbors, and earning treats at school for good behavior) I'm going to bundle it all together and pass it out to whomever comes to our door. I'm kind of hoping that by not buying very much candy this year, we'll not be left with an insane amount at the end of the holiday. Ideally, I could let the kids gorge for a couple nights and it'll be gone and out of my life. Isn't that the way it's meant to be? I sure as heck don't remember Halloween candy lingering through Thanksgiving!

7. I'm trying not to grocery shop until Tuesday and we're running pretty low on stuff. Anyone have good recipes involving carrots, rice, cannellini beans and frozen fish filets to share?

More Quick Takes at Conversion Diary!

Checking In

2011-09-06T08:31:00.004-07:00

I'm still here, just not posting much. I've been such a bad blogger of late. Mostly it's because I'm trying to get a handle on my real life. I found the camera, so I can show you!

This was the parlor with bins from the storeroom in the midst of being organized.

And here are the 5 big garbage bags of clothes donated to Catholic Charities, woo!

I still need to get the study taken care of as it's a huge disaster. I can't even vacuum in here. Baby is adorable and fun, older kids are wonderful though challenging in unique ways. Everything is busy and blessed.

I was thinking yesterday about my efforts to Take the Poor With Me and how limited my success has been because I'm so focused on my family and my home. In some ways, that's not a bad thing. I know my primary vocation is as a wife and mother and God calls me to focus my energies there for a reason. Also, I need to get a handle on our family spending; it blew way out of proportion while I was sick and we still haven't gotten ourselves back on track. Part of that is the vacation we took into the mountains last month, but a large part is also that I'm not taking the time to sit down in front of my spreadsheet. I need to find that time and break it all down or our money gets away from us like a herd of fleeing wildebeests.

However, it is a problem for this blog because instead of reading books and articles about the plight of the poor, I am reading books about food allergies and de-cluttering. Instead of giving money, I am volunteering my time, which gives me even less opportunity for research. Instead of blogging, I am cleaning and cooking.

I have been successful in my prayer life. Anna posted a while back about the power of her daily Rosary, and I've been inspired to dedicate a decade each time I pray. The immediate benefit is that it has brought me a huge amount of peace. Mostly I am praying for the future (my children's chastity, their vocations, our adoption, my husband's conversion) and knowing that I am able to do something NOW about these hugely important issues is very comforting.

I've also been praying for those who suffer. It's so hard for me to calm my spirit when I am troubled by the state of the world. Even something like watching a few minutes of Fiddler on the Roof while the baby is nursing will torment my heart for days. If I can do nothing else for the poor of this world, I can pray for them. I say a Trinity Prayer (Our Father Hail Mary Glory Be) while I wash dishes or fold laundry, offer up my aches and pains, and ask God to bless others when I thank Him for my blessings (like a clean glass of water or my bed.)

I don't know if I will have future insights on this topic. It hasn't stopped being near and dear to my heart, even if I have shifted my focus to my immediate family for the time-being. I am trying, as much as I can, to think of the poor while I am taking care of my family and being active in my community. I am trying to remember that caring for my children is caring for Christ. For now, that's all I am able to do. I hope soon God will show me a way to do more.

Seven Quick Takes Friday

2011-08-12T07:57:00.004-07:00

1. I'm back home after my annual trip to northern Michigan. Every year, I compare coming home to re-entry from a space flight: it's fast, rough, and shakes me right down to my cells. Every year I think, "How do I do this all by myself?" and I have a few days of panic. Then I get used to the mess, clutter and craziness and it becomes routine.

2. Dan got me 4 hours with a professional organizer to help me get a handle on the kids toys, storeroom and study. Those who are not married to a practical person might think he was making some kind of statement about my pathetic inability to handle my own house. Actually, he is throwing me a lifeline. When he told me over the phone that he was going to do this, and was this something I would like? I responded YES!! before he even finished the sentence. Solving problems is his love language, so this is the equivalent of diamond earrings from my man.

3. The organizer did not faint, laugh or run screaming when she saw my house. That proved to me she was a true professional! She gave me so many helpful ideas. Nothing earth-shattering, but stuff I wasn't thinking of, like that if I put up some shelves in the playroom, I could keep my 5 year olds toys in separate bins that could be taken down one at a time and played with, instead of having everything in one big bin that then gets dumped on the ground and never picked up. Or that I could move some of the junk cluttering up my bookshelves in the study into the basement closet, which was mostly empty.

4. Of course, sometimes to make things better they have to first get worse, and now my front room is full of bins, clothes piles and bags of stuff to be donated. Here's a picture:

5. I went to take a picture and the camera battery is dead and I can't find the charger in the mess. I'm just going to have to let it go for now and trust that true organization is waiting for me on the other end of this project!

6. Did I mention that she came two weeks ago? I have been trying to do a little every day, but I also have to do my regular job like cook dinner and do laundry, plus I want to do things with the kids, like take trips to the pool while the days are still warm, and of course I'm stopping every hour or so to nurse, change or rock a precious baby, so my progress has been minimal. Maybe I should have had her come after the kids started school...

7. We're heading into the mountains this weekend for our first every family camping trip! Because I am not completely crazy, I rented us a cabin at the Y campgrounds. They have guided outings, a craft lodge, two restaurants and tons of activities for all ages. We're all super excited about it (well, not the baby, but she'll look back on pictures and be happy that she was there from a very young age.) Oh, I guess if I want to take pictures I need to find that battery charger and get it going. Okay, that's all the time we have for today, folks!

Check out Jen's site for more Quick Takes!

Archbishop on the Move

2011-07-19T11:22:00.002-07:00

The Archdiocese of Philadelphia has announced today that Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI has appointed Archbishop Chaput to their diocese as a replacement for Cardinal Rigali.

My primal reaction is, "HEY!!! That's MY shepherd!"

Which is, of course, completely uncharitable and unproductive. Still, I can't help but feel sadness at the departure of this wise and inspiring man, who has done so much to guide my faith. I truly admire the spirit he has infused into the Church in Denver.

John Allen has a great interview with him up on the NCR site. I particularly like his description of himself as not conservative, but rather faithful to the traditions of the Church while creative in applying them to modern life. Here's what he has to say about personal prayer:

What about your role as a spiritual leader for the archdiocese? Is there any particular devotion or practice of prayer, for example, that you want to promote?
I'm firmly convinced by a lifetime of being in the church that the traditional practices of the church are the ones we need to follow, and if we follow them, we really will be able to engage in all these issues in an appropriate way. The first thing is regular prayer, and for priests that means the divine office and the daily celebration of the Mass. Beyond that, we should embrace the sacramental life, which means personal confession as well as encouraging others to enter the sacrament of confession. There's also fasting … Jesus tells us that 'some devils can't be driven out without fasting.' We need to find time for spiritual reading, especially the reading of the scriptures. I don't think adding new devotions to the traditional practices of the church is necessary, and sometimes it's confusing and end up sapping away time.
Many people find praying the rosary daily to be a very important thing. Certainly devotion to the Blessed Mother is an intrinsically necessary part of Catholic life, because Mary is the mother of the church and our mother personally. Christ gave us Mary as our mother, and we should take that seriously. If we believe these things and faithfully apply them to our lives, we'll work our way through this.
I think devotion to the saints is also an important part of this. As a bishop, I have a huge devotion to St. Augustine and to St. Charles Borromeo. I've been blessed to have Charles Borromeo as my personal patron. His feast day is my name day. I really do depend on them a lot in the Communion of Saints. Also, St. Francis is in some sense the foundation of my spirituality.

Sigh. Denver's going to miss him so much! No word on his replacement, as far as I know. I hope Philadelphia realizes how lucky they are!

Brain Drain

2011-07-17T14:33:00.002-07:00

A really interesting article on brain function appeared in the Atlantic recently. The author intends mainly to show that criminals may not be as culpable as we consider them to be, but his arguments can easily be applied to the poor as well.

Among other things, he writes:

Genes are part of the story, but they’re not the whole story. We are likewise influenced by the environments in which we grow up. Substance abuse by a mother during pregnancy, maternal stress, and low birth weight all can influence how a baby will turn out as an adult. As a child grows, neglect, physical abuse, and head injury can impede mental development, as can the physical environment. (For example, the major public-health movement to eliminate lead-based paint grew out of an understanding that ingesting lead can cause brain damage, making children less intelligent and, in some cases, more impulsive and aggressive.) And every experience throughout our lives can modify genetic expression—activating certain genes or switching others off—which in turn can inaugurate new behaviors. In this way, genes and environments intertwine.

How many of us are guilty of uncharitable thoughts about our charitable giving? Do we give freely of our time and treasure, with love for those we serve, or do we feel in our heart of hearts that they aren't truly deserving because of their attitudes or choices? If someone is struggling with an addiction, are we less inclined to help them? What about someone who is fired from job after job for being late or insubordinate? What about the attitudes that are shaped by a lifetime of poverty: the hopelessness, the resentment, the depression and apathy?

Having struggled briefly with depression myself, I have a whole new understanding and compassion for others in that situation. It took every bit of strength I had to cart the kids from activity to activity. Sometimes I would sob while driving (very dangerous.) I functioned like an automaton, cooking dinner, putting it on the table, and eating it in silence. My relationships suffered, I lost all my creativity, and everything felt as if it took so much more effort than it was worth.

The scariest part was the feeling that I had completely lost control of who I was. I didn't WANT to scream at my children over every little thing. Yet I watched myself do things I didn't want to do, and had no power to stop.

If you can, imagine growing up in an environment that alters your very brain chemistry. Physical or sexual abuse, maternal drug use, mineral deficiencies, and lack of access to health care can shape behavior by altering the normal pathways in the brain. This can make people more aggressive or impulsive, impair their reasoning, or increase the likelihood that they will commit a crime or use drugs.

It would be nice if we were all dealt a fair hand, but that simply isn't the case. The fact is that those in impoverished areas have to work twice twice as hard (if not more) to achieve success as those of us born to privilege, and there is less margin for error. In many cases the problems we encounter (abuse, illness, mental disorders, job loss, natural disasters,) or the bad choices that we make, cause only temporary setbacks in our lives. We have a network that assists us in recovering. The poor not only encounter more problems (due to both environmental and physical factors) but have less ability to recover and less assistance, too.

This doesn't mean that we should write off bad choices or give blindly without considering how the money is being used. Whether someone steals because of dysfunctional brain chemistry or lack of education or desperation, stealing is still wrong. As a society, we can't tolerate behavior that harms our framework of individual rights. However, I feel strongly that our approach should reflect an understanding of the root causes and address them appropriately.

Tying food or housing assistance to behavior compliance doesn't help someone when their problem is physical. The more I work with at-risk populations, the more I have come to believe that access to heath care is the primary need, and that housing and food assistance will be less necessary if populations are healed from addictions and mental disorders. One of the many reasons I like Catholic Charities is that they have a comprehensive program to help people spiritually, physically and emotionally.

I have always wondered how those in prison ministry are able to love those who are unlovable. Perhaps they understand intuitively what science is just beginning to grasp: that people are more than their choices, more than their circumstances or desires. God, who sees into the heart of each person, loves each of us with an abiding and consuming love -- enough to die for us. That sort of love is a hallmark of Christian faith, and something that I hope to cultivate in my own life much more deeply through compassion and forgiveness, especially of those who I don't believe deserve it.

Busy and Blessed

2011-06-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

I really thought I would post more once the baby came, but now I'm so busy getting back into my routine that I hardly sit down at the computer anymore. My evenings are mostly dedicated to nursing de bebe and trying to keep the house somewhat habitable, while my mornings are much shortened now that I can go to Daily Mass again (YAY), plus the kids have morning activities two days a week. So I'm always on the go and blogging is pretty much one of the last things I have time for. Still, it's nice to be back in my life again!

Also, I have nothing very inspiring to say. I really don't know what God is trying to tell me with this anxiety. It doesn't matter how much I tell myself that there's nothing I can do by worrying about it, and that no matter what, I know God will be with me. I still am just constantly terrified that something bad is going to happen. Mostly I'm concerned about the baby; she's only 2 months old and still at risk for all sorts of random things like SIDS, meningitis, pneumococcal fever, etc.

The irony is that she is the healthiest, easiest baby ever. She sleeps well, eats well, poops well and is growing by leaps and bounds. She's smiley and content when awake and enjoys being on her own on her activity mat or in her stroller. She has sometimes put herself to sleep just by cooing, without any rocking or feeding or singing on my part. She charms everyone wherever I take her and I've had more than one person marvel that she's so perfect, she almost looks more like a doll than a live baby.

And yet I am constantly concerned about every hiccup and sniffle. Much more than is normal or necessary. I've talked with my husband about whether I need to get on medication for this, but as long as I'm able to function I don't think it's worth it. Most anti-anxiety meds enter the breastmilk, and though the studies show that the large majority of babies aren't affected by it, it seems sort of ironic that in order to alleviate my deep concerns about the baby's health, I have to do something that might compromise...the baby's health. Also, given my history, the chances are that I'll get every single last side effect possible. I'm functioning well and not having any violent thoughts of any kind. I'm just really scared all the time.

And I feel like such an idiot about it. I have been blessed to an extent most people in this world never experience. What am I concerned about? That some strife might enter my perfect, charmed little life? At the doctor's office the other day I read an article in National Geographic about Child Brides in India that broke my heart. The worst thing that could possibly happen in my life wouldn't even begin to approach being married off against my will at age 11. Even if my daughter were kidnapped like Elizabeth Smart, at least in this country I would have the police looking for her, and there would always be the hope of her return. In many countries around the world, girls and women are abused their whole lives and it's a complete non-issue.

I don't even want to ask for prayers because it's SO stupid. I personally know people who have suffered real tragedies, or who have actual mental illnesses that need medication. Better to pray for them than for me. I've been offering it up for friends who are going through infertility, and for those without medical care. In poor countries, child mortality is twenty times higher than in wealthy countries.

The unexpected positive of being so anxious is that I am truly treasuring each moment with my baby. I don't mind anything I need to do to take care of her, even diapers or waking up in the middle of the night or holding her for hours and hours because she doesn't want to be put down. If the worst does happen, I will know that I loved and rejoiced in her every minute of her life. That in itself is a beautiful gift God has given me to sustain me through this time.

Luckily, I am much too busy to dwell on it. But I thought I'd post simply because it is one of the foremost things on my mind. I'm looking for any good book recommendations on trust or managing anxiety, if anyone has them!

In the meantime, I am trusting that whatever comes, God will be with me. And I am thanking Him for all my wonderful blessings. Praise God with heart and soul and voice!

God is good

2011-04-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

One of the things I've always loved about nursing an infant is how much time it gives me to read. I think holding a fuzzy-headed baby in my arms while immersed in a good book might just be one of the most pleasurable experiences this world has to offer!

My Lenten sacrifice this year was fiction (TV and books,) and it's bearing some wonderful fruit. I am reading "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow, on the advice of a friend, and finding it extremely insightful. She speaks on the idea of contentment as accepting and working with God's plan for one's life. In this context, she brings up the fact that God is good, and so His plan for us, by definition, is also good.

Which got me thinking about "good" and how we define it. I think we most often use "good" to describe anything that fits with what we personally want for ourselves and our lives. Children are "good" when they do as we ask them to do. Someone has "the good life" if they have money, leisure time, and material things. We even describe food as good when it contains high amounts of fat or sugar, which we enjoy far more than food that is actually good (usually we refer to that kind as "healthy.")

But good, as the Bible defines it, has a very different meaning. It is beautiful and simple, yet profound: God is good. Good is God. Those things which draw us to God are good. Those things God has done or made are good. Goodness and God are one and the same.

I know for many people, the existence of suffering in the world is a barrier to faith. If God is all-powerful, why does He allow bad things to happen? Although I feel very deeply the plight of those who are poor, either in material goods, in spirit, in health or in freedom, I have never blamed God or felt disappointed in His lack of intervention for two main reasons: 1. It's mostly people who cause suffering, either to themselves or to others. and 2. Everything God does is good, thus suffering must also be good.

Part of the reason I love being a Catholic is the Church's position on suffering. It is not meaningless. It it not punishment. It is an opportunity to manifest the love of Christ to the world. When something like the tsunami in Japan occurs, it is an opportunity for the world to show love to Japan. God does not desire pain and suffering, but this world that He created contains those things. It contains disease, death, tectonic plates that shift around, wild animals, destructive weather patterns...all these things are GOOD because they are part of the world God created. Plate tectonics are a result of the transfer of energy from within the Earth. We are the only planet yet discovered that supports life -- surely the abundance of life here depends upon all components of physics, geology, astronomy, and other sciences existing in the balance that God created for them.

Here's where my problem comes in. I can intellectually understand the purpose of "bad things" in this world. I can theologically support the notion of redemptive suffering and spiritual growth that comes from accepting God's will, no matter what it might be.

But I'm afraid of suffering and pain. I don't want it. My response to God's call is something like, "Lord, I love you and I will do whatever you ask of me...as long as it doesn't involve profound suffering. I'll take a little suffering, but not anything big, OK?"

I'm ashamed to admit this. I see it as one of the biggest obstacles to my spiritual growth. I've been trying to resolve my anxieties and lack of trust for years now, but I don't seem to be much closer to the goal of abandonment I've set myself. I shouldn't fear the future. After all,

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I think part of the problem is that my life is so easy, suffering seems preventable and unnecessary. It's somewhat counter intuitive, but the closer you are to suffering, the easier it is to accept. When I first discovered I was pregnant last July, I spent three weeks in a constant state of dread and anxiety, wondering if my nausea would be as bad as it had been with my second. Once it became clear that I would be throwing up several times a day, I sort of just accepted it and prepared for the long haul. It wasn't easy, by any means. But the only way out is through. In the same way, it can be more stressful to dread an experience (such as surgery or the adoption process) than to actually go through it.

I hope...no...I am confident that, should the worst befall me or my family, I would not lose faith in God. Rather, I would rely on Him and rest in Him to cope with the pain, emotional or otherwise. In the meantime, I can use those sleepless nights and anxious moments to pray for people who are actually suffering, and I can offer up my anxiety for those with mental illness. Whatever may come, there's no way it could ever be as bad as some of the things people must deal with around the world.

In the spirit of taking the poor with me, I can use my fears to draw closer to those who are in need, and to remind me that I am, truly, very blessed.

She's Here!

2011-04-06T16:01:00.003-07:00

I apologize for the missing post! I tried to use the iPad and was only able to post the title.

Our precious baby girl arrived on Monday morning at last! I am so happy and relieved to finally meet her face to face, and to be done with the nausea of this pregnancy. I don't have the brain power for much of a post, except to say that God is abundantly generous and we are all so very grateful for the blessing of our new family member.

Labor was very fast and the birth went as perfectly as it could. My mom and husband helped me every step of the way and I'm so thankful for their presence and their love.

Waiting

2011-03-27T14:12:00.006-07:00

It's a bit ironic that this pregnancy, which has been the hardest for me, is also lasting the longest! I am past my due date now, still suffering nausea most of the day, and limited in my movements due to the Symphisis Pubic Disfunction I've had since month 5. Everyone says walking helps to bring on labor, but unfortunately I just can't do very much of that. I did get all the way down to the end of the block and back yesterday, woo hoo! I am very grateful for the chiropractic care I've received, as I am confident that without it I would be in much greater pain.

Perfect strangers have started giving me advice on how to get labor started. Most of them seem to involve making me even MORE uncomfortable, such as by taking castor oil or eating re-fried beans and the aforementioned walking and walking and walking. A few have alluded to a secret spot on my feet that, when pressed or massaged, will start labor. I'm leery of all these types of things, mostly because I believe that if the baby hasn't come yet, there's a reason. Something isn't fully developed, or it isn't the right moment for her birth. Still, it's awfully tempting to think there's something I could do when in reality, I have NO control whatsoever over the onset of labor!

I've never been pregnant quite this long and am very anxious for labor to start. Being an anxious person, I am highly susceptible to the fears that go along with pregnancy. Yet I know there are no guarantees. The fact is, sometimes things go wrong. When you are so close to new life as you are when pregnant, you are also so much more aware of death. Personally knowing people who have lost babies, either from stillbirth or through cord/placenta accidents, does not help alleviate my fears.

I don't really think that anything will go horribly wrong. One of the books I've read, Birthing From Within, says that "worry is the work of pregnancy." As new mothers, it's part of our responsibility to think about these things, and perhaps that's the reason why so many pregnant women find themselves worrying so often. The right response, of course, is to work through the scary thought, name my feelings, and make decisions on what I would say or do to cope.

Beyond that, however, I need to move forward in an attitude of trust. Whatever God ordains for my birth and my family, it will be for our spiritual good. What always frightens me is the thought that God's will is not mine, yet that's something that brings me comfort, too. After all, wouldn't I rather align my will with God's than force my own way? I know that God loves me, so whatever may come, I can rest in that assurance and know that I will not be alone.

Of course, it would be really nice if I could just have the baby and know that it's all turned out okay! The longer I wait, the more anxious I become, and the more I know I need to work on my trust and abandonment. The baby will come in her own time: in God's own time. Until then, my job is to prepare, pray and wait. Not too different than Mary's job the night before Jesus' passion and death, and thus highly appropriate for Lent. What a blessing that while I'm not physically able to fast, I can share spiritually in Mary's sufferings and anxieties.

I hope to post soon with pictures of the new baby. She has to come at some point soon...right???

"You keep on using that word...I do not think it means what you think it means."

2011-02-14T09:24:00.004-07:00

Inigo was referring to Vizzini's affection for "inconceivable" but his sentiment can easily apply to the word of the day: Love.

It's Valentine's Day! My fantastic mother in law came over yesterday and watched the kids while my husband and I went out to lunch, just the two of us. (She also cleaned all the bathrooms because she's FANTASTIC.) The kids are really excited about handing out their valentines to their classmates. Geneva hand-decorated 21 pink hearts with princess stickers, glitter, puffy hamster stickers and her name. My son opted for a box of Star Wars Clone Wars hologram valentines with a Reeses' peanut butter heart taped to the front. My mom sent us all our own cards; a lively montage of bears, hearts and flowers and heart-felt sentiments written inside.

Love is in the air!

But as beautiful as this day is, and as important the little gestures and acts of service and time spent together are, it's not really what love looks like. Love CAN look like Valentine's Day, and certainly those in love do all those things, but love, "twoo wuv" often doesn't look the way we expect it to.

I think this is part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high. We all have such unrealistic expectations for what marriage is going to be, and we tend to think of love as a feeling when, in reality, love is a lifestyle -- a way of relating to someone else. There are times (thankfully not too many) when my marriage demands that I love when I don't want to love, when my entire being is screaming for freedom. There aren't many Hallmark cards for those situations.

True love is the hardest thing in the world because people are human...flawed. It's easy to love a sweet, innocent little baby, and incredibly difficult to love someone who has hurt you. But love doesn't just mean the warm feeling you get when you watch your kids sleeping. Love also means inviting your estranged uncle over for Thanksgiving and dealing with the tension and awkwardness that will result.

So many people missed Love when it was in their midst, walking among them, talking and healing and preaching, because they didn't understand what love really meant. I want love to be the happy-go-lucky warmth society promises me. I want my happily ever after. But that's not true love.

I know this day is actually very difficult for many people, especially those who have lost their loved ones or who have been through painful relationships. I am blessed to be surrounded by love, but others are lonely or brokenhearted. On this beautiful day dedicated to love, I think the most amazing thing to consider is that each of us has access to True Love in its most perfect form. All we have to do is open our hearts and receive Him.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

7 Quick Takes Friday, Thankfulness Edition

2011-02-04T13:22:00.004-07:00

I'm not going to go into my current state of body or mind except to say I am very pregnant, very hormonal, very exhausted, and still nauseous most of the day. In an attempt to cultivate a spirit of gratitude rather than one of complaints, I want to focus on the 7 top things I'm thankful for right now.

7. Grocery Stores and Restaurants
It is just so nice to be able to walk into a store stuffed with choices and say, "Yep, this looks good to me," buy it, and eat it. Were I a true pioneer wife, I'd have to be grinding the corn for my cornbread, and that's WAY too much effort. I am so thankful for quick, easy, available food, and money to buy it.

6. My Honda Odyssey
In addition to driving well on snowy roads, my new minivan has its driver's seat at a height that doesn't require me either to climb or to bend in order to get in and out. Every little thing that helps keep my pelvic cradle at an even level is a source of great relief to me!

5. My Chiropractor and my Meds
I love modern medicine and I love alternative medicine, too. When they work in tandem, it's a beautiful thing.

4. My kids
I've read about women falling deeper in love with their children while expecting, but I can't remember whether I did last time around. All I know is that my kids are so awesome. I love watching them play together, love listening to what they've learned, love looking at them and marveling that these independent people are part me and part my husband. It's such a miracle, and I'm struck by it anew every day.

3. My husband
Never once this whole pregnancy has he said anything like, "I cannot WAIT for this to be over." or "Geez, are you still feeling too sick to clean the bathrooms?" or "This better be the last time we do this." He has, instead, totally stepped up to the plate and taken full child care duties after 6 pm as well as cleaned the kitchen every single night and gone to the grocery store whenever I've asked, despite knowing that he will come home with something and I will complain that it wasn't the brand/type/flavor I wanted. No man would put up with what he's put up with if it weren't for a heart full of love.

2. My baby
Every kick and roll and jab reminds me that there's a person inside, waiting for her time to come out into the world. I am so excited to meet her, and so grateful for the blessing of this life within me. And despite its difficulties, I am thankful for this time with her, just the two of us, hearts and systems joined in perfect harmony.

1. My Jesus
He loves me, helpless and hopeless as I am. He loves me when I'm too irritated and exhausted to pray. He loves me when I sin and He forgives me for it. He's with me, always beside me, even if I can't feel His presence. He is God, He is perfect, He is Love.

More Quick Takes at Jen's Blog

Trust, Confidence and Peace

2011-01-16T12:41:00.003-07:00

I have been a bad blogger, a bad volunteer and a bad mom lately. All I can manage at this moment is to gestate this baby and try to keep my family in some semblance of order. It's not pretty around here. The house is a complete disaster, I am eating pre-made, processed stuff that I would normally go hungry rather than consume, and my kids haven't done a Saint of the Day or a Devotions in weeks. I'm no longer doing my St. Vincent de Paul work, and I've cut down on the number of times I drive into Denver to see my Catholic Charities families as well. I'm not even attending Mass every single Sunday, let alone during the week, and have totally abandoned the children's Rosary group I started in 2009. Others have been picking up my slack for me, bless them.

I'm honestly okay with this. It's not a choice for me to cut back on the things I like to do. I am physically, emotionally and mentally incapable of living my normal life right now. Things will work out and hopefully I can get back on track by summertime.

For the past seven months I've been trying (mostly without success) to get a handle on my parenting method. This is my version of nesting for a third child! We have all the equipment and I'm well practiced at attachment parenting, so the real question I'm struggling with is: What comes after toddlerhood?

There are SO MANY models, methods, books, and theories that it makes my head swim. Since I don't live on a desert island with my kids, I also have to factor in wildly divergent grandparents and, of course, my spouse. At its core, though, parenting is about what's comfortable for me and my kids, and this is where the biggest problem lies. I simply do not have any confidence at all in my parenting.

My word for the year is ABANDONMENT, and it's come to me precisely because I am struggling so desperately with parenting issues. It's not enough for me to love my children and do my best. I have to know that the method I'm using is approved by this that or the other expert, that it has been proven not to have any long-term psychological downsides, and that it creates harmony in my home. Needless to say, I'm still searching!

There's no perfect method because there are no perfect people -- parents or kids. No matter how many books I read, I'm never going to hit upon the ideal method that works every time and results in adult children who are self-sufficient, holy, and an asset to their communities. The best I can hope for is a method that allows flexibility, focuses on character rather than behavior, and preserves the inherent dignity of each family member.

I have to be okay with the idea that I'm not really in control, that I'm going to make mistakes, and that, despite all my efforts, the chances are that my kids are going to have to struggle to find their place amid the chaos that is this world. They're going to make mistakes, too, and I can't blame myself for how they turn out (even if they blame me!) just as I can't take all the credit if they end up actually being holy, productive members of society.

I think the link between trust and confidence is much closer than the link between experience and confidence. I could let myself by stymied by the magnitude of my responsibility (this person's ENTIRE FUTURE is in my hands!) or I can trust that God is in charge and that my contribution, while important, is by no means absolute.

That thought is bringing peace to this harried, hormonal mom right now. Just thought I'd share it!

On the Feast of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

2011-01-04T09:00:00.002-07:00

It was a year ago today that I started bleeding with Elizabeth, and a day later that I went to the ER for a panic attack. It's nice to be pregnant again at this time, to know that we've been blessed with new life and to be looking forward to a baby in a few months.

I wanted to share today's Regnum Christi meditation with you, as it's particularly powerful and timely. The emphases added are mine.

The Power of My Nothingness

January 4, 2011

Memorial of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, religious

Mark 6:34-44
When Jesus saw the vast crowd, his heart was moved with pity for them, for they were like sheep without a shepherd; and he began to teach them many things. By now it was already late and his disciples approached him and said, "This is a deserted place and it is already very late. Dismiss them so that they can go to the surrounding farms and villages and buy themselves something to eat." He said to them in reply, "Give them some food yourselves." But they said to him, "Are we to buy two hundred days' wages worth of food and give it to them to eat?" He asked them, "How many loaves do you have? Go and see." And when they had found out they said, "Five loaves and two fish." So he gave orders to have them sit down in groups on the green grass. The people took their places in rows by hundreds and by fifties. Then, taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he said the blessing, broke the loaves, and gave them to his disciples to set before the people; he also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied. And they picked up 12 wicker baskets full of fragments and what was left of the fish. Those who ate of the loaves were 5,000 men.

Introductory Prayer: Lord I am nothing without you in my mission. I believe that there is no difficulty in deepening my union with you that cannot be overcome. I want to know and see with greater clarity that your hand moves mine. You make possible what would otherwise be impossible.

Petition: Lord increase my confidence and dependence on you.

1. “His Heart Was Moved with Pity for Them, for They Were like Sheep Without a Shepherd.” A heart that loves expands to meet the needs of those it loves. None could love as perfectly as Christ. Will I let Christ move me in this prayer to see what he sees, suffer what he suffers, and love what he loves? Who will teach the vast numbers of those who are lost, especially the young? Who will console the sorrowing who fight the pervasive darkness of despair, and guide with fidelity the hungry souls ready for the fullness of God’s truth? Who can make present the power of the Shepherd to heal and stay the force of evil in so many dark corners of the world? If I open my heart to see what Christ sees, I will follow everyday what he asks of me to remedy a broken world that needs salvation.

2. Give Them Some Food Yourselves Our Lord insists that we be active protagonists in tackling the most difficult problems in the world. Many only sigh at the world’s miseries as if to say, “Lord, you have a problem. I will pray for them.” Christ looks back and says to us, “This is your mission now. I put it in your hands.” Will we panic? Will we wonder where we will get the time, the resources, the wisdom? Will we imagine ourselves making it all happen? Our Lord asks us to take responsibility, but he does not want us taking control. There is a difference: One is the steward in the mission—us; the other the owner—God. Taking responsibility means making the needs of souls and the Church our own. Not taking control means we never lose sight of the one who controls the plan. I want to do it his way, and not mine.

3. How Many Loaves Do You Have? When Christ chooses us for a mission, he does not select us because he thinks we have what it takes, but rather because he knows he will give us all that we need. Sometimes we are faced with goals that are real, yet beyond our power to accomplish. Anxiety––thinking we need to be superhuman before a superhuman endeavor––inserts all sorts of complexes into the human spirit: shutting down, feeling overwhelmed, uncontrolled anger, unjustly limiting our field of action. What does Christ ask when we face the impossible? Just give what we have––give it all and don’t hold back. Put all our loaves and fishes on the table, and then Christ will work. Believe in the power of our poor nothingness united to Christ.

Conversation with Christ: Lord, I believe in the power of my nothingness united to your power and grace. Today I accept the challenge of the mission before me, but only if I take each step depending on you. With you every burden is sweet, and every impossible task is a new encounter with the power of your hand.

Resolution: I will stop sometime in the middle of the day to spiritually place what I am doing into Christ’s hands.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T08:31:00.003-07:00

While I don't go in for New Year's Resolutions, I did think this Saint Finder by Jen is a fabulous thing. I got St. Ignatius of Antioch and since I've been wanting to read more of the early Church Fathers, I think he's a great place to start. I really love the idea of dedicating the year to the intercession of a Saint, and will absolutely be doing that today. Thanks Jen!

I do like developing a Word for the Year. Last year my word was "discipline" but honestly, I don't feel like I did much to work on it. Part of the problem is that I didn't have a plan, I just wanted to keep the word in mind and try to make better choices based on it. A couple weeks/months in, though, I lost sight of the word and bam, it was gone.

I did something new this year: I ordered new pages for my desk planner. They came with goals, values, and mission worksheets as well as weekly goal reminder pages that focus on the multiple "roles" we serve and ways in which we can improve each of them. I LOVE THIS. During the Christmas break, I've been reading through the instructions and thinking about each of my "roles", as well as pondering what our family mission statement might be.

What has me most excited is that this planner allows me a central repository to keep track of notes and progress, write down a monthly or weekly or even daily plan, and provide checks and measures for my goals. I need stuff like this. I have the tendency to overthink and get easily frustrated, which probably means I give up on things much earlier than I should. Planning out ahead of time and building in occasional progress checks should help keep me on track.

I know what my word ought to be this year (and maybe every year): ABANDONMENT. Abandon the self, abandon my illusion of control, abandon my plans and my needs. Allow those around me the freedom to be themselves, and put all my trust and hopes in the Lord.

I will soon have a newborn, which gives me ample opportunity for abandonment! My body is not my own, and likely won't be for another year. My time won't be my own, either. It may seem that my word for this year is the opposite of last year's (discipline), although I personally think it takes discipline to practice abandonment. When I want to rant on and on about my feelings and troubles to my husband, it takes discipline to abandon that want and instead ask, "Did you find a way to get those documents you needed for your case?" or even to allow my husband some silence. It takes discipline to fight the irritation I feel when I discover the kids have not put their toys away, and to abandon my schedule for vacuuming in order to wait for them to come home from school so they can participate in the housecleaning. It takes discipline to decide I must behave differently instead of following the same old patterns of the years before.

The hope of a New Year is such a beautiful thing, isn't it? So much promise and possibility. I love looking back at the Old Year, as well, and remembering where I was, where my children were, and the amazing changes everyone has undergone in that time. God is good, and all things good come from the Lord. May your New Year bring you closer to Him who is, and was, and ever shall be, AMEN!

Photo credit.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T07:56:00.005-07:00

It's here! HE'S here! There is so much joy in my home and my heart today that I want to extend it to all of you as well.

We went to Mass last night at 4 pm, which I was able to do thanks to some wonderful tea my Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor has given me (I say wonderful because it works, not because of how it tastes.) And a very kind family who has obviously taken the Christmas message to heart squeezed in so I could sit down, because "A pregnant woman should always have a seat at Christmas Mass." I said thank you a hundred times and knew I wasn't properly conveying just how INCREDIBLY grateful I was for that beautiful gesture. We got to Mass 1/2 an hour early and it was already standing-room only, if that helps put the little miracle into perspective!

Mass was beautiful, and here's another little miracle: My husband came! While getting my daughter ready she asked me, "Can Dedah come?" and I said, "Go ask him!" He willingly put on his nice clothes and a tie to match the one my son was wearing, and we all got to sit together for Christmas Mass. How beautiful!!

I thought I'd start a little meme, if anyone is interested in joining, as a way to celebrate the coming of this blessed, joyous day! I will try to figure out how to do the trackback linky thing, but don't anyone get your hopes up, okay? If there's nothing to link to, you can just comment and I'll track down your post that way.

Favorite Christmas Ornaments

It's very easy! Just take a picture (or a few) of your favorite Christmas ornaments/decorations and add a brief description of why they mean something to you.

I have four ornaments to share with you:

This one is a University of Michigan themed nutcracker. Watching the Nutcracker ballet with my sister and mom is one of my favorite Christmas traditions, and having this little guy all decked out in Maize and Blue (a gift from my MIL) melds my two families delightfully!

This one is an old, old ornament from my childhood. We lived in Indonesia in the 1980's when I was between 5 and 7 years old, and this was a gift from our maid/cook/babysitter. I believe she made it herself. It's not fancy, but it's so Christmasy. I remember her and our time there every year when I put it on the tree.

Each member of our family has a stylized initial ornament just like this one. In February, soon after I lost Elizabeth, I went to do my weekly volunteering in Denver. The woman I'm working with likes a particular food bank, which also has a thrift store, and I was wandering the aisles, not looking for anything in particular, when I saw this "E." It exactly matches the initial ornaments the rest of us have. I cried, and bought it to put on our tree every year, so that Elizabeth is always with us, always remembered. I put her ornament right up top, next to the star, because it's closest to heaven up there.

This is probably the nicest ornament we own. The picture doesn't do it ANY justice at all. It's porcelain, made in Italy, and depicts the Madonna kneeling in prayer by the infant Jesus in the manger. The star overhead forms a ray of light connecting with Jesus' halo, and that's how the ornament hangs, by the star. It is such a beautiful ornament with such lovely symbolism.

I hope that your Christmases are very merry, filled with the joy of His birth and the warmth of family and friends to share it with. All my love and wishes for a very Happy New Year, too!

2010-12-20T15:45:00.002-07:00

Additional comfort from around the blogosphere!

God has led me to a few different posts here and there to reiterate that I am not perfect, nor should I expect to be, and that the journey towards holiness is a lifelong one.

From Michael Hallman:

The simple reality of our bodiliness is such that we are destined for these ebbs and flows, for times of fatigue, depression, anxiety, fear, irritability, hunger, and so on, all of which can have a profound impact on our spiritual reality and spiritual consciousness. When we add on to this the various illnesses, both physical and mental, that so often affect persons, then we are forced to confront the reality that in this unglorified state of the pre-resurrected body, we will fall, we will sin, we will doubt, we will be cold in charity, we will despair. This is not to say that we are powerless over all of this, and so we strive each day anew to turn to God in prayer, to live renewed in Jesus Christ, to love as best we can. But these challenges will always be with us and be a part of our daily existence.

http://psalm46-11.blogspot.com/2010/12/giving-birth-to-christ.html

From Vox-Nova:

An example that comes to mind is St. Thomas Aquinas whose family sent a prostitute to his room to try to tempt him. He didn’t chase her out with a stick. He reasoned with her and showed compassion. She left a repentant Christian. St. Thomas More is another. His treatment of others as the Church in England went over to Protestantism is a wonderful model of Christian witness. Neither of them glossed over or ignored the reality before them, rather they gave loving witness to the truth.

http://vox-nova.com/2010/12/13/abba-pastor-from-the-paradise-of-the-fathers/

From Abigail's Alcove:

In the wise words of Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, however, "God never asked me to be successful. God asked me to be faithful."

http://abigails-alcove.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-am-not-superhero.html

Growing in Grace

2010-12-15T08:15:00.005-07:00

I'm taking a great deal of comfort from one of Jen's recent posts titled "When I Am Weak, Then I Am...Weak" The comments detail some of the more elusive mysteries of being a true Christian, namely, allowing God's power to work through us in our imperfections. As the wife of an atheist, this is the sort of thing that I have huge problems trying to explain to someone who has no concept of a higher power, and who thinks so-called "Christians" are just using their religion as an excuse to judge and oppress people.

I've been trying for quite some time to communicate to my husband the benefits of belief in God, a point which he vehemently disputes. I wish he could read the beautiful words of those commenters, faithful men and women who are using all their strength to be humble instruments of God's will. The countless stories of finding peace even in the midst of severe sickness illustrate to me so clearly that faith allows weak and imperfect people to be powerful instruments of love in the world. Surely that is a benefit to faith!

Jen's follow up post about letting it be God who does all the work, also resonated with me very deeply. I recently spent some time with an old friend. We used to be quite close, but now our values and lifestyles are so different that it's hard to come up with topics of conversation that don't result in an argument. I still don't know how to handle conversations with her, and am always worried that she might criticize my life choices, or that I won't be able to refrain from criticizing hers, even if unintentionally.

I struggle with how I am supposed to be around her. When I keep my opinions to myself, I feel that I am not being authentic, but I don't know how to explain my beliefs without casting aspersions on hers. I avoid calling her, and spend the few conversations we do have praying to the Holy Spirit to guide me.

And inside...oh, inside! As CS Lewis put it,

"I am suffering incessant temptations to uncharitable thoughts at present; one of those black moods in which nearly all one's friends seem to be selfish or even false. And how terrible that there should be even a kind of pleasure in thinking evil.”

I have such a hard time loving unconditionally. Yet I don't feel that God is calling me to end those relationships that challenge me. I know that everyone has people like this in their lives. And I have been abundantly blessed with true friends who are delightful company, honest and caring, and interested in many of the same things as I.

I am ashamed of myself for complaining. What sort of an example am I setting to my husband? Is this how one is "made strong in Christ?" Clearly, I am not a true Christian. When I think of how St. Therese of the Little Flower taught herself to see Christ in the mean nun that everyone hated, and how successful she was at radiating joy in the woman's presence, I am filled with shame at my pitiful attempts to "endure" her company.

I have spent my whole life struggling with this exact problem. And at the ripe age of 34, I have so little to show for it. True, I have maintained relationships with people I don't actually like. But those relationships are neither satisfying nor healthy. All I want to do is cry and run away.

I have been beating myself up for not being "better" when I read Jen's posts, and it dawned on me that I have never been weaker than I am right now. Physically, emotionally and spiritually, I am sunken as low as it gets. Perhaps God's strength is flowing through me. Perhaps keeping my opinions to myself is all I can accomplish in my vulnerable and emotional state. Perhaps, right now, that's all God is asking of me.

I am hearing Him say, over and over again, "Let go. It's in my hands. Trust me." He has said this about my son's schooling, about my marriage, about the adoption, about everything. I can't have it my way. I don't get to have a perfect life with no tension and no drama. I may want that, but I don't get to have it. I just have to let it go.

I have to let go of the person I want to be, too. I am not perfect. I don't get to hold my head high and think, well, at least I know I am following God's will and doing as He asks of me. I may want that, but I don't get to have it! Instead I get a slow, creeping progression where I struggle to determine what sort of relationship I can have with people I don't like, and then the even harder struggle to hold fast to my boundaries while still allowing room for hope, love, and compassion. I get to be ashamed of myself, and have to ask forgiveness for the opportunities I missed and the uncharitable thoughts I allowed to fester.

I don't want this to seem at all like some sort of justification for my imperfections, but rather as a way to put them in perspective. I am trying. Trying, and failing, as humans do. I will continue to try, because I will continue to have hope. I am starting to see just how important hope is, and how much can be accomplished by someone who hopes and trusts in the Lord, and who does not give up (either on themselves or on others!)

I hope I'm growing in grace. If, at the end of the day, all I am able to do is keep silent and pray, then that's what I'll do. And I'll hope that someday, if God wills it, I can do all in Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

Politics, Part III (Final)

2010-11-16T08:52:00.005-07:00

"Truth?" said Pilate. "What is that?"
Really, what it comes down to for me is that I find discerning the truth about politics and politicians nearly impossible.

This year it took me an hour and a half to fill in my ballot. I visited each candidate's website to see what they said about the given issues, and did additional research through newspaper articles, voting records, and assorted Voters Guides.

I had a very difficult time finding hard facts, or even clear statements about a candidate's position on the issues. Although most devoted a large portion of their websites to "issues," the actual content didn't provide me a very clear picture. Every outside source I tried was unmistakably biased, whether it was newspaper articles, blogs, or watchdog groups.

Add to all this the negativity and propaganda that characterize a political conversation, and the truth gets even more obscured. I haven't been able to find a source of political discourse that I can trust. As I've already said in Parts I and II, I don't think voting for any candidate will make a real difference in the issues that matter most. In addition, I worry that whoever wins the election will harm vulnerable populations with faulty policies and misguided laws. Intelligent people argue both sides, and yet I can't fully agree with anyone.

I feel like I am wandering in a mire, trying to find my way out, and every now and then I come across a path covered in signs, but none of the signs make sense, and none of them seem to lead out. So I keep wandering. Even if I pick a path, I'm not happy or confident while I'm on it, so I'm prone to strike out and search for another one.

But the thing is, there is no perfect path. This is politics, after all: messy, complicated, full of gray areas and compromise. And if I don't pick any path, then I'm just wandering aimlessly.

So what's most important when choosing how to vote? To me, the answer has to be "What God wants." Luckily, He's left us a guide. It's called the Church. And in the last few years, the Church has made her position ever clearer. More than one bishop has come forth to say, in no uncertain terms, that a Catholic may not vote for a pro-choice candidate when there is a pro-life candidate on the ballot. With all my indecision and frustration, this at least is a non-negotiable guidepost to help me choose wisely.

If I cannot feel peace in voting for a particular candidate, can I at least feel peace in bending my will to the gentle nudge of my shepherd's staff? We are like sheep, unruly, unable to fully understand. Yet if we can respond to the voice of one sent to guide us, we might yet move in the direction appointed by our Master.

I admire and deeply respect my shepherd, Archbishop Chaput. I have read his book, "Render Unto Caesar" and found it both inspiring and enlightening as to the role of the faithful in public life. In his words, then:

"So can a Catholic in good conscience vote for a pro-choice candidate? The answer is: I can't, and I won't. But I do know some serious Catholics -- people whom I admire -- who may. I think their reasoning is mistaken, but at least they sincerely struggle with the abortion issue, and it causes them real pain."

Of all the voices shouting opinions in our political climate, I have to choose one that I trust. I can't discern the truth on my own. Who better to trust than the shepherd appointed over my particular flock? In all honesty, there's no other voice I trust more.

Not even my own.

Picture credit.

Politics, Part II

2010-11-11T14:33:00.006-07:00

Conservative vs Liberal, Or Why the Two Party System Blows

In essence, my problem boils down to the fact that our two main parties, Democrats and Republicans, are inconsistent in their interpretation of accepted philosophies. I've examined many, many political spectrum charts and definitions in an attempt to place myself somewhere on the political map. I always end up in the middle, agreeing half with one side and half with the other. Thus I don't feel at home in either camp.

What I really wish is that I could vote on issues rather than candidates. I love the last part of the ballot where all the referendum questions and amendments are given to the public for their consideration. It's the only part of the ballot where I feel my voice is truly heard.

I don't have that option, though. The parties choose how they feel about a given issue, which forces me to support things I don't support. Democrats, for example, are supposed to favor government regulation of the economy, but allow for a range of personal freedoms. Except that they don't allow for freedom of religion, consistently regulating and monitoring what religious groups are able to say/do and where they are able to say/do it, and they spend a great deal of effort trying to regulate the social aspects of the economy, such as how many minorities a business has to hire, whether they must provide health insurance, etc etc. They also willfully ignore the medical evidence that shows a developing fetus is a person, and deny the unborn their most basic freedom: life.

Republicans are supposed to favor a smaller government, except when it comes to law enforcement and moral order. They do plenty of regulation, though, especially when it comes to protecting business and the market from pesky things like justice or transparency. What this does, in effect, is to create a system where as long as you have enough money, you are above the law. To me, that doesn't create a very moral social order, nor does it allow for much movement or interaction between the classes, which is the key to equality, opportunity, and prosperity.

I can't put a Republican in charge without worrying what they're going to enact to hurt our country, and I can't put a Democrat in charge without worrying the same thing. Every now and then we get an option to vote for a third party candidate, but instead of bringing us a new option, they tend to be more extreme versions of the Republican or Democratic candidate. When they do present a different tactic, it's never the one that fits with my beliefs. Libertarians, for example, favor NO government regulation of anything. That's not what I want! And while I have proudly voted for a third party candidate whose philosophies and character I believed in, that wasn't an option for me on this last ballot because there weren't any third party candidates in most of the races.

The thing is, most of the US is like me: committed to neither party, vacillating back and forth, making their final decision based on one or two major issues facing the country in that particular election. Because so many of us change our party vote with each election, and because there is no overlap between the philosophies of the two parties, every two to four years the entire philosophy of the country's government gets turned on its head. Why does every politician talk about the importance of bi-partisanship, and then refuse to make the compromises necessary to achieve it? Party politics. I read once that the two party system is ideal because when you have two extremes, they fight it out and arrive somewhere in the middle, which is probably where the truth lies. I personally disagree with that assessment. What seems to happen is that one side imposes laws, and the other side refuses to fund them. Or one side pushes something through, and the other side enacts a bunch of restrictions to strangle it. Perhaps our Founding Fathers meant for discussion and compromise to be the order of government, but it has not worked out that way. Like a kid shunted between divorced parents, we are treated to a confusing mix of rules and standards that leave us not knowing what works, and with all our problems only partially addressed.

It's hard to know what the answer is. Those countries who have had the most success are those countries that are the most homogenous, like Japan and Finland, whose governments impose a single identity upon all the people. America is a melting pot of diverse races, religions, and cultures. Each State is radically different in climate, resources and character. Trying to unify this mass of individual preferences into a codified philosophy is a Sisyphean task. I honestly don't know if it can be done, or even if it should. I wouldn't want to live beneath the yoke of unrelenting nationalism. Although our current system doesn't exactly offer me a voice, either. After all, 51% makes a majority, even though that leaves an almost equal number of people completely pissed off and disenfranchised.

I care very deeply about politics and the role of government in our lives. I'm not happy with what we currently have going on in this society. We have an entrenched two party system, neither of whom offers me what I consider a workable option to make it better. So how am I supposed to vote?

Picture credit.

Politics, Part I

2010-11-03T15:42:00.001-07:00

It has been very hard for me to decide to publish this series of posts. I really hate politics and the anger that enters into most political discussions, and most especially I hate the way it polarizes people and fosters judgment and disdain. However, I have very strong feelings on society and the role of government. I believe political participation is an important way that we, as Americans, can take the poor with us. It might be the most influence we have on the world at large, and to refrain from active participation is unthinkable.

However, I do not have typical Catholic sentiments towards politicians and government. I say "typical" to mean that my opinions are not usually in line with those others who attend services with the same frequency as I do, or hold to the teachings of the Church as rigidly as I do (as defined by polls which cover these things.)

Voting, in general, causes me a great deal of anguish and emotional strife. I am writing these posts in part to be honest about my struggles, but also in an attempt to work out the direction of my political involvement. Writing is the best way I know to sort my thoughts, and this forum allows me to solicit the input of like-minded believers, which I value.

So, let's get right to the most contentious bit.

Part I: My Objection to Voting Pro-Life

I live in Colorado, which had on its ballot this past week the following amendment to the State constitution:
"An amendment to the Colorado Constitution applying the term 'person' as used in those provisions of the Colorado Constitution relating to inalienable rights, equality of justice and due process of law, to every human being from the beginning of the biological development of that human being."

This is the second time such a measure appeared on the ballot. In 2008, "biological development" had further language that made personhood apply from the moment of fertilization. The measure was roundly defeated in 2008, and reappeared this year with the modified language.

The following is part of the text from the Colorado Conference of Catholic Bishops regarding this measure, written in 2008:

"While the Church respects those promoting this personhood amendment, the Catholic Bishops of Colorado decline to support its passage because it does not provide a realistic opportunity for ending or even reducing abortions in Colorado."

This brings me to my biggest problem with voting pro-life. Despite the best efforts of pro-life politicians and faithful Catholics involved in pro-life ministries, there has been no significant decrease in abortion rights over the last 40 years. What we are mostly fighting over is taxpayer funding. While it's true that rampantly pro-abortion presidents (such as Clinton) caused great harm to the pro-life cause, it is not the case that pro-life presidents (such as Bush) have done much to help it.

While I am pleased that people of faith haven't given up on the abortion issue, I'm not convinced that the actual power of a given pro-life candidate outweighs the possible harm they could do on other issues. The anti-life culture is so ingrained in our society that politicians, no matter how well-intentioned, find it very difficult to pass any legislation that significantly alters abortion rates or rights. The more fervent and passionate a candidate is on the pro-life issue, the harder it is to get him elected.

I am pro-life. I consider our country's abortion rate a tragedy of epic proportions. There is NO EXCUSE for a country as prosperous and educated as ours to have no room in our hearts for a million little children. As a faithful Catholic and pro-life woman and mother, it pains me every time I think of the wasted lives and the gross injustice perpetrated on these innocents every single day. I argue against abortion with everyone in my life, even with my staunchly pro-choice family, even at the dinner table, even hours after the conversation has stopped moving forward and I am close to tears. They refuse to acknowledge the truth: that a baby, even unborn, is a person with the right to live. That bearing a child already conceived, even if it delays your graduation or promotion, is your responsibility as a human being. That we should be doing everything in our power to promote motherhood, adoption, and pre-natal care.

The bishops statement on the personhood amendment also declared:

"...lower federal courts interpreting this amendment will be required to apply the permissive 1973 Roe v. Wade abortion decision by the U.S. Supreme Court. It is also likely that the Supreme Court, given its current composition, will either decline to review such a case, effectively killing the state amendment, or worse, actively reaffirm the mistaken jurisprudence of Roe."

In other words, the bishops affirmed not only the uselessness of any attempt to overturn abortion at the state level, but the actual harm it might pose in creating even more case-law that supports Roe v Wade. The way the Supreme Court works, any decisions it makes must be reinforced by the lower courts, and subsequent Supreme Court cases can rely on those lower judgments in their later decisions. In other words, everything builds on itself, and once a decision has been made at the Federal level, it is much, much more difficult to overturn it than it was to come to the decision in the first place.

How could the bishops refuse to support this amendment on the basis that it is unrealistic and could cause harm, yet insist that I cannot vote for a pro-choice politician based on the same argument? I do not take voting lightly. I do not make my decision on simple partisanship. Since 1970, we have had pro-life Presidents, a majority pro-life Congress, and pro-life state governors and state legislators multiple times. However, not a single pro-life President has issued an executive order banning abortion. Why not? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T. It would be immediately overturned by the legislature or the Supreme Court and the people would riot.

The most we've been able to accomplish is to impose regulations that get in the way of quick, cheap access to abortions. While this is laudable, and an important step, the long and short of it is that we've made abortions more difficult for those who are in the most need of support during an unwanted pregnancy: unwed mothers and low-income families. 60% of women who have abortions already have children, and 75% of those who have an abortion state their reason is financial, either that they cannot afford another child, or that having a child would interfere with their school/job/ability to care for other children.* Unless we are providing assistance to these women in the form of pre-natal care, maternity leave, and affordable child care, we are perpetuating the myth that children are a burden and abortion is necessary to prevent poverty and unemployment.

Two more things I want to mention here. Roe v Wade was decided by a majority conservative court appointed by Republican presidents. The closest we came to overturning it was 1986, with

Thornburgh v. American College of Obstetricians & Gynecologists. 7 of the 9 justices had been appointed by Republican presidents, and were told by the current President (Reagan) that they should revisit and overturn Roe v Wade. Instead, they voted 5-4 to uphold the right to abortion. There are many reasons to have conservative Supreme Court justices, but the likelihood of them overturning Roe v Wade is remote, even if they ruled as we expect, which they rarely do.

And the personhood amendment that appeared on our ballot this week? Despite my vote, it was defeated 70% to 30%. It is abundantly clear that the vast majority of our country (even in a heavily Republican state like Colorado) is against the overturning of Roe v Wade or any sort of real limitations on abortion. It doesn't make sense to me that I should put aside all the other issues and ignore reality to vote for whichever candidate is against abortion, even though that is the clear message of the Church.

I write this only to say that I am very conflicted each time an election comes around, and I find the phrase "vote your conscience" to be incredibly insulting. My conscience doesn't allow me to support any candidate in any race at any time, because there is no "faithful Catholic" party. Every line I drew on my ballot this year went AGAINST my conscience, no matter which party I supported. I will never be proud of my vote, nor will I ever be happy that a certain candidate has attained office. The entire process is riddled with guilt, doubt, frustration and disappointment from beginning to end.

I cry when I vote. And I don't wear the cheery little sticker.

*Statistics on induced abortion from the Guttmacher Institute

Picture credit.

Mixed Marriage

2010-10-30T08:24:00.005-07:00

I had a commenter ask today:

"If you had any advice on Catholic/non-Catholic relationships (i.e. discerning whether your differences on religion are an insurmountable obstacle to marriage and raising a family) I would really appreciate it."

Man oh man, I could talk about this for six years straight and not even scratch the surface! I actually had an article appear in my local Catholic paper on this exact subject, so I'll link to it here. The journalist who wrote it did a really nice job of distilling my ramblings into positive, practical statements. I love what she did with the article.

If I were to sit down with someone contemplating marriage to a non-Christian, though, I'd have a few things to say that aren't so positive. The reality is that marriage is hard. H.A.R.D. HARD. It takes a committment to the relationship through good times and bad, it requires personal sacrifice and compromise, and you will have to constantly think about it and work on it for the rest of your life.

It's worth it, 100%. I wouldn't trade my husband for anyone, even a practicing Catholic, and the rewards that I get from being in a committed relationship, from bearing children, and from joining my heart to another are indescribable. Before I married, I had serious social and emotional problems due to my upbringing. Those have been healed through the power of my husband's love and the weight of our relationship grounding me to a secure foundation. I struggled right up until about a year ago with the notion that I might have been meant for a different vocation, but I've come to see that it's through marriage and motherhood that God is fitting me for heaven.

Specifically to those who are considering marriage to a non-believer, I would say:

1. It's going to be harder than you think.
I am continually surprised by how differently my husband and I see the world. Even though he and I share the same basic values, our reasons for having those values are fundamentally different, and every now and then those differences make a big difference! We can approach an issue with the same intention in mind, and yet come up with opposite solutions because our fundamental understandings don't line up. To cut to the chase, as a Christian I am fundamentally hopeful. It is the mark of my relationship with God that I believe He is in control, and as He wants good for us, we will ultimately encounter good by following and trusting in Him. My husband, as a pragmatic realist, is fundamentally suspicious and fearful. I know he would object to that characterization, but I believe it is true. There is nothing for him but this life. Any moment of unhappiness or strife that it not geared toward a future payoff has no benefit to him, so his primary interest is in acting in a way to ensure that this life he has is, and remains, as comfortable and secure as possible. That makes him an absolutely terrific provider, but it means the things I consider most important (instilling faith in our children, giving to the poor, opening our hearts to others) are to him only extras once the real business of life is achieved (financial security, stress reduction, professional fulfillment.) I am looking at this life as the first step to eternity. He is looking at it as the only existence that we will ever have. We don't even see the same ramifications to each of our choices, and that divide is something that we cannot overcome through dialogue or compromise. We are working towards different goals, and I didn't fully realize until well into our marriage just how much that would impact our relationship.

2. You must marry your spouse as he/she is, without any expectation for change or improvement in any area.
This actually is good advice for any marriage, whether you share a faith or not. It's true that some change WILL occur. People are not static beings. Our circumstances change, and that makes us change, too. But if we expect certain things to improve in our spouses, we are very likely to be disappointed, especially if we are expecting conversion. I've seen it happen to friends of mine, but it hasn't happened to me. If I had expected that by the time we had two kids, my husband would be a Catholic, I'd be beside myself with frustration right now. I had to decide when we married that I would be happy going the entirety of our lives together without his conversion at any point, and I decided yes. The person that he is still appeals to me as a mate. His character is such that I would choose to marry him again if I encountered him in any place or time. And it is his character that I love, and will continue to love, no matter what the state of his soul.

3. You must be able to be authentically, fully, deeply Catholic without an Earthly support network, and even in the face of hostility or contempt.
As Catholics, we always have the support of heaven in our quest to serve God. In a mixed marriage, however, there may be times when practicing our faith is very difficult, and we won't have any Earthly support. When I first went to visit my husband's family, for instance, I had to figure out how I was going to get to Mass on Sunday. Their tradition was a walk into town for brunch at their favorite breakfast place. Not only would I have to miss this, but I had to ask them to use their car to drive myself to a strange Church I'd never been to and sit there, alone, to worship. If they had been strictly against it, they could easily have prevented my attending Mass. They could have laid a guilt trip on me for disturbing their perfect morning, or for choosing some archaic ritual over getting to know them better. They are wonderful people, so instead they delayed their walk, gave me the car, and waited for me to return so we could go to brunch together. Not everyone is so accommodating. There are many people out there who find religion offensive, and if you are marrying into a family who has had bad experiences with religion itself or people of a particular religion, then you need to search your soul and determine how much you are willing to fight for your faith. Even my loving, generous in-laws still have certain hang ups about the role of faith in culture and politics. We've had several difficult conversations about the sexual abuse scandal, abortion, the Pope's decision to reopen the Tridentine Rite, and the advice of the USCCB on voting. When I visit them, I have no one with me to help me defend the faith. It's ALL on me. That goes for instructing my children, too. Be prepared to feel lonely at times, and most importantly, be prepared to love your new family even while they're challenging you on the core of your beliefs. Especially if they've had bad experiences, it's now up to you to show them how God's grace works within a person who believes. Trust me, they will be watching you.

4. You MUST know your faith.
Education is the primary tool you need in a mixed marriage. If you know God, you will love Him, and know how to serve Him. Without truly knowing your faith, you will not only be unable to defend it against argument, but you will also be missing out on the beauty and depth that can sustain you through difficult times. For instance, many Catholics are unaware of the Church's position on birth control. This is mind-boggling to those who were well-catechized, but the fact is most catechism classes and Pre-Cana preparations say NOTHING about family planning. I myself only found out about NFP when my new boss talked to me about he and his wife's journey to embrace life in the context of their marriage. I'd been married for 2 years at that point, and had been using a barrier method of contraception that whole time, because I thought, erroneously, that as long as no fertilization took place, the Church permitted birth control. Once I discovered the truth of Church teaching, I examined it and brought it to my husband for his acceptance. He wasn't thrilled, but he agreed. Until that point, I had been dead set against having children at all. I thought I would be a bad mother, I worried my child would inherit dangerous personality traits from my family, and I feared I would make too many mistakes and they would grow up to hate me. God took that fear and made me face it. We would not have conceived our firstborn if we were not using NFP, not because the method failed, but because we had no compelling reason to abstain during a fertile time. God blessed us with NFP, as he has blessed countless other Catholic couples. Before I knew the truth of Church teaching, I had missed out not only on an opportunity to witness my faith to my husband, but also on the joys and challenges of parenting. Which, as I said above, I now realize God planned for me from the start.

God calls certain people to this kind of marriage. I would never counsel someone who is in love with a non-Catholic that they should end the relationship simply for that reason. The Church herself does not prohibit marriage between peoples of different faith, or no faith, precisely because what God joins, no one on Earth may separate. If God has led you to a non-believer, then listen to His call. He puts people in your life for a reason.

I have challenges in my marriage, but they are no harder than those faced by many of my friends who share a faith with their spouse. I am blessed to have a husband whose job I am proud of, who shows me respect and faithfulness and generosity of spirit with everything he does. I have Catholic friends whose Catholic husbands aren't open to life, yet my atheist husband is! True, he doesn't help me instruct the children in the Catholic faith, but then, he's never once objected to it, and even tells my son that he has to go to Mass with me.

My basic advice is this: Make your decision based on the character of the person you want to marry. If your choice happens to be of a different faith, or no faith, then arm yourself with a strong love for God, a deep knowledge of your faith, and a willingness to endure hardship for His sake. God will do the rest.

Photo credit.

Homesickness

2010-10-10T09:20:00.006-07:00

No change. Well, that's not entirely true. Overall I am discovering small improvements, like the ability to eat more in one sitting and go longer without food, which really helps me achieve productivity. It's hard to do everything in 30 minute intervals because I had to eat every 45 minutes. But then I still can't have any "real" food, especially after about 4 pm. When I tried to eat some chicken last night at 5 pm, I ended up having a terrible night where I threw up twice and spent hours with my stomach cramping and gurgling dangerously.

It's been hard to figure out what to pray. Jen's recent post on the granularity of prayer has a great explanation of focusing our prayers. Right now, I feel that it's pointless to pray, "Lord, please let this nausea end soon," partly because I don't REALLY want that. If the nausea means my Little Mango is growing and healthy, then good, bring on the nausea. Mostly, though, I feel like it's just going to end in its own time, and praying for it to end sooner is aiming my prayer at the wrong target.

So I've tried to pray, "Lord, give me the strength to endure this with grace." That's slightly better, and I definitely have felt an improvement in my mood and attitude towards this pregnancy. But really, that's a very self-centered prayer. I want God to help me be happy and kind in my suffering so I can gain graces from it and give glory to God. But I'm only 1/5 of the equation here. There are four other people (my husband, my children, and my mother) who are suffering as much as I am, and that prayer doesn't include them.

Mostly, what I do is offer up the suffering rather than praying about it. I know offering up is a form of prayer, so in that sense I am praying, but somehow it feels fundamentally different to say, "Lord, let this suffering go to help those tempted to adultery," than to ask for something for myself.

Still, these are ALL prayers of petition, as outlined here. I am still asking God for something, whether it's for me or not. I've come to realize that a big part of my spiritual dryness right now stems from a lack of a key form of prayer: Adoration.

Because I am trapped at home, I have not been able to attend Mass and bask in the literal presence of God. I have not been listening to K-LOVE as I drive my kids around and run errands. I have not been encountering my friends' stories of God's presence and power in their lives. I haven't even been able to gaze at the mountains in the distance and admire God's creation. I've been missing all my usual sources of adoration, and it shows. I am suffering daily, offering that suffering up, and yet feeling as far from God as I ever have.

I fully understand why monastic communities are careful to balance their days with everything their members need for spiritual nourishment. There are different sorts of prayer times throughout the day: communal worship, honest work, private devotions, study of the Word, and fellowship, all combining in a way that enables each person to receive what they need to continue their vocation. I've cut off a major source of spiritual nourishment, and I am starving.

It became clear to me what the problem was when I did my last Wednesday Fast. Since abstaining from food is not an option, I've been abstaining from TV for the day. That's actually a very difficult sacrifice for me, since I can't read without growing dizzy, I can't move around very much, and I have no major responsibilities. Mostly, I am on the couch, trying to distract myself from the nausea. (In my defense, it's not all Star Trek reruns, though those do factor heavily. I've been watching lots of documentaries on historical figures and science shows on geology and such. After all, I need to have something on the TV that I don't mind my kids staring at, too!) On Wednesdays, though, I deny myself this distraction. Instead, I put on the radio or spend some time sitting outside listening to the birds. And I noticed something remarkable: I felt closer to God even though I felt MORE nauseated. Setting time aside each day for some Adoration is making all the difference.

So I'm trying to be better about reading my blogs and listening to K-LOVE, two forms of Adoration that are available to me at home. And I'm looking forward to the day, a few weeks from now, when I will be better and able to rejoin the community of believers that has been such a source of spiritual strength to me since we moved to Colorado. I miss my parish SO MUCH. That's where I encounter God most forcefully, not only at Mass but through the people I know there. The physical discomfort of my nausea isn't anywhere near the worst aspect of my quarantine. It pales in comparison to the spiritual starvation I've been experiencing as a result of being cut off from the fount of faith that pours out of my Parish. I can't wait to go home again!

Picture credit.

Unexpected Blessings

2010-09-25T09:53:00.005-07:00

I am still here. Still very sick. Still unable to read without becoming very dizzy, thus the lack of posts. I literally have nothing to say, too, since my days are just spent surviving the nausea and being grateful that my mom is helping me out.

God is very good to me. The nausea is controlled and I really only suffer between 4 and 5 hours a day. The rest of the time I'm just very uncomfortable, which doesn't even count as suffering because I watch TV or talk to my mom or listen to a book on tape. Given that I suffered with my other two every waking hour, this is practically heaven. Not that I'm enjoying it. Though I am grateful to have something to offer up in the evenings.

And it's amazing how it brings my family together. My mom has been living with us for 6 weeks now (BLESS HER!) and running the house like a whiz. My kids are enjoying a special relationship with her because of this, and she and I have had the chance for many long talks and companionable hours.

Best of all, it's brought about a reconciliation with my father. Our relationship was never easy, and in the past year I decided that I was going to put my foot down and no longer allow myself to be forced into the role of "dutiful daughter" when inside I was anything but. I broached the subject with him over email and didn't make much progress, so I thought to myself, okay...time to put my money where my mouth is. I decided I was going to stop allowing him to visit whenever he wanted to.

Then I got pregnant. And next week, my mom will be taking a break from caring for me. I'll be on my own for 6 days, with no one to drive the kids to school and activities, clean and cook, and bring me soy milk while I throw up. She needs (and deserves) the break, and I don't begrudge it to her, but I literally cannot do anything but sit on the couch and eat with occasional good moments where I can check email and a couple blogs or make a phone call to a friend. I can't cook. I can't drive. I can't take care of my family. I need help.

Knowing this, my dad offered to come for the week my mom is gone. And immediately, my old feelings rose to the surface. Hadn't I decided I was going to put my foot down? Hadn't I decided it was time to stop giving in, so that our relationship could finally move past the unhealthy dynamic we've always had?

When I told him the reason I didn't want him to visit, we had a long conversation. We addressed many of our old issues head on, which I usually shy away from. In the end, we made significant progress.

As I hung up, it occurred to me that this was the moment where I had to decide what type of person I was going to be. If I was truly going to put my money where my mouth is, then I would have to completely forgive everything and begin anew as St. Elizabeth Ann Seton did, as described in this lovely post from Abigail. Or I could hold on to the person I was, my hurts and my judgments, and we'd never be able to move forward.

I have to say, Abigail's post has been rolling around in my heart for a few months now, and St. Elizabeth Ann Seton's example has inspired me. I'm going to pray to my little Elizabeth, named for this wonderful Saint, to give me the strength I need to completely erase my past relationship with my dad and greet him when he comes with the sort of love and open heart that is necessary for true growth and relationship.

God has made me sick and dependent for a reason. Perhaps it's to build my humility. Whatever the reason, I can't make unilateral decisions about my life course. For someone like me, who struggles with wanting to control everything, being forced into a position of utter dependence is a huge challenge for my spiritual growth. I am encouraged, though, that I will receive from it the lessons God wants to write on my heart, and emerge a more faithful and devoted servant to Him whom I love above all.

Picture credit.

2010-08-26T10:57:00.003-07:00

I want to offer my apologies for my long silence. The reason is a wonderful one: I am expecting, due at the end of March. Praise God!

As per the pattern of my pregnancies, I've been struck with severe nausea and am doing a lot of nothing: no computer work, no reading, no leaving the house, etc. My mother (God bless her) has arrived and is helping me take care of the kids since I can't drive right now.

I just wanted to let everyone know the reason for my absence and ask for prayers. So far this pregnancy is much MUCH better than my other two, and I am filled with gratitude to God and optimism that I will return to normal within two or three weeks.

God bless you all!

Apologetics and the Necessity of Good Works

2010-07-24T06:19:00.004-07:00

One of the challenges I face in my marriage is our religious divide. I am an ardent Catholic, my husband is an atheist. We have had many conversations over the course of our marriage and some really horrible fights where I said many things I now regret. It's a continuous source of pain for me, and something I pray about daily.

I count myself very blessed in this one fact, however -- my husband fully supports me practicing my faith, even when it impacts his life as well (NFP comes to mind here.)

I've gone back and forth with how much I share with him about my faith and my relationship with God. At times I've refused to answer even his most innocuous questions, like, "How was Mass?," and at other times I have launched, unprompted, into a lengthy defense of Church doctrine or religion in general.

Every conversation we have comes down to the same unanswerable question: "If God really exists, why aren't His people better than the pagans and atheists?"

It doesn't trouble me as much as it seems to trouble my husband, but I simply don't have a good answer for it. "Because we're all human and all sinners," is the truth, but it doesn't provide a very good proof of God's existence. For me, it doesn't disprove God, but I can see very clearly why someone like my husband, with his strong sense of justice and committment to building a community of people where everyone is taken care of and their invididual liberties respected, would have a BIG problem with the concept. After all, if you can be a good person without faith in God, yet faith in God leads many people to do horrible things, then how can faith be good?

It also doesn't help that many Christians in the world do not live as Jesus did, by dedicating their whole selves to love of God and neighbor. My husband likes to point to statistics that indicate places like Norway (populated almost entirely by agnostics) beat places like Brazil (with its large Catholic population) in things like charitable giving. You can make the same comparison between the Northeastern United States and the South. I've pointed out that both those comparisons are also heavily affected by economics; when you have lots of disposable income, you are better able to give to charity, whereas when you're living paycheck to paycheck or scrounging around the poverty level, you simply can't. I also said those statistics don't measure the intangibles, such as helping out a neighbor or providing spiritual or emotional support to those who need it. The Northeastern United States doesn't exactly have the reputation for hospitality and conviviality that you find in the South. My husband is quick to point out that it's the South where you find the most racism, and things like the movement to rewrite history textbooks so they minimize the contributions of a certain American Statesman. He's also quick to point out that throughout history, people who called themselves Christians found a way to justifiy evil actions (slavery, the Holocaust, oppression of women, colonialism) with the Bible. And, getting back to his larger point, if economic prosperity is a better indicator of kindness and tolerance than is faith in God, then why spend so much money and energy spreading the faith?

What, really, is the point of faith? If it doesn't make a positive difference in the world, then why bother with it?

My answer is that it has made a positive difference to me. My faith makes me a better person, hands down. I can tell you firmly, if it were not for my faith I would not have my two beautiful children. My fear of being a parent was so intense that I had decided I wouldn't have children at all, and without faith I could definitely have been one of those women who considered her abortion to be a favor to her child. I also doubt that I would have the personality that I do. I work very, very hard to be a nice person, to show love to those who are around me, to answer rudeness with manners and negativity with cheer. I know that God helps me in these attempts, and that He has made me a better mother than I ever thought I could be. I have a long way to go, but I know I only got here through His help.

I have no explanation for those people who love God and yet treat their neighbor with cruelty, indifference, or disdain. It is a great source of sadness to me that so many people share the mantle of Christian faith, yet diverge sharply on what constitutes the truth. I have no explanation for the crimes against humanity that continue to be committed by thinking, feeling, faithful Catholics. I wish we all acted a lot more like Mary, myself included.

Casting Crowns has a great song titled "If We Are the Body." To me, it emphasises the necessity of good works. No, they will not earn us a place in heaven. But they are the outward sign of God's love on Earth. In a world where so many people look at the evil committed in the name of God and think, "How can God allow this?" it's all the more essential that those of us who believe live out those beliefs in a concrete and active way. We need to be light to the world, shining brighter than any other, because we are lit with the love of God.

I can't convince my husband that God exists, but I can believe. I can't prove that religion is inherently good, but I can practice my faith. I can't explain why some Christians are so hateful, but I can be loving.

I can live my life in a way that points to God. And perhaps that's the best apologetics I can offer.

Picture credit.

Interconnectedness

2010-06-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I read Ceremony, by Leslie Silko, for my book group. It centers on a Native American boy who fights the Japanese front in WWII and comes back home to his Laguna tribe with severe post-traumatic stress disorder and survivor's guilt. When all other avenues fail, he turns to the ancient ceremonies of his people to heal his mind, and finds that his journey is one that he doesn't take alone: his actions link him both with his people and those he fought during the war.

One of the themes deals with the interconnectedness of everything in the world. This is, of course, a well-documented philosophy among many Native American tribes, but the book took things even a step beyond man's relationship with the land to man's relationship with man. What we do affects our families, our communities, the Earth itself, and by extension, people in every corner of the Earth. I am an environmentalist for precisely this reason, and am happy to be supported by the teachings of the Church.

Our lives as wealthy Westerners are FULL of consumption and waste. How many garbage bags do we throw away each week? Think of how it increases at Christmastime, or whenever we throw a party. The very act of consumption requires waste: 1. we are replacing something that is used/broken which must be discarded, 2. the packaging around our new acquisition must be discarded, and most importantly, 3. production of anything produces massive amounts of waste, and this is a part of the cycle over which we have very, very little control.

Here's a question, and a challenge: We often donate used clothing items to Goodwill, right? Are we also shopping there? My two favorite household items came from a thrift store, as did my coffee maker, bedroom furniture and many of my picture frames. Of course, there are many things you simply can't buy at the Salvation Army store. Underwear, obviously. And sometimes you need an item that isn't available there, like a dress for a wedding or a pair of kahkis or, in my case, Ugg boots to protect my Raynauds-afflicted toes from wintry weather. What matters is that we make the effort to search thrift stores regularly for those things we need, rather than relying on Target, Walmart, Kohls or ToysRUs. Even those discount stores contribute to the overconsumption that is the root of so much waste and materialism.

This is a struggle in our culture. I do not make light of the pressures that assail us from every direction to consume, consume, consume. Our children beg for new toys, while the hundreds that they already own lie strewn about the house. Our parents criticize our wardrobes or hint that we "need" another appliance. Our friends re-do their kitchen and suddenly we notice how cramped our own is. A new season begins, and we are embarrassed to see our growing kids running around in pants that end above their ankles.

I've been struggling for a long time with a call to give up makeup. *gulp* I just don't know if I can do it. I am very sensitive about my looks. I thought maybe I'd give it up for Lent one year and see if that frees me, but then every Lent I decide I should do something else instead, because I am a coward. A vain, insecure, coward. It is a lot easier for me to limit my shower length, shop at thrift stores and re-use plastic bags than to leave the house without doing my face. I am praying about this, and working towards it. If it's truly what God desires for me, I pray He will give me the strength to embrace the challenge...someday. Was it St. Augustine? "Lord make me chaste, but not yet!"

In the meantime, I repeat to myself: Do what you can. When I'm tempted by the King Arthur's Flour catalog and all their beautiful pans, mixes and gadgets, I say, "This I can do." I can resist purchasing a scone pan. Hooray! When I'm tempted to go out for dinner because I'm just tired and don't want to cook, I say, "This I can do." I can cook a meal for my family. Yippee!

It works with kid stuff, too. When I'm confronted for the eightieth time one day by a string looped across the hallway as part of an Indiana Jones game, I say, "This I can do." I can duck under or untie the string to walk past without getting mad at the kids. Huzzah!

Some of you are perhaps farther along on your walk towards simplicity, humility and counter-culturalism. What are your tips for reducing waste, consumption and vanity in this crazy, materialistic society we inhabit?

May Intentions

2010-05-21T15:59:00.002-07:00

The Holy Father's general intention for this month is one of those issues that sits very heavily on my heart. I feel such pain for those poor souls who suffer slavery of any kind, but especially those girls who are kidnapped and kept as prostitutes. I can hardly even think about it, which makes me all the more troubled that there are those who have to do more than think: they must live it.

Our Holy Father prays this month:

That the shameful and monstrous commerce in human beings, which sadly involves millions of women and children, may be ended

.

I have researched this subject quite a bit, and prayed on it, and wondered how I can contribute in my small way to ending this blight on our human soul. While making a donation to an organization that works against human trafficking would be an ideal step, it's something that's very difficult for me to do, given the constraints of my situation. I do have some money, but the amount I'd be able to donate (around $20) seems like a drop in the bucket. I want to do more. It's also the main point of this blog to connect my everyday life to the lives of others, particularly those who are suffering. What can I do, as a SAHM of two children, to help those who are victims of human trafficking?

1. Raise the issue.
Simply as a function of my status as a stay at home mom, most of my conversations with my friends revolves around our kids, our husbands, and local events. I can do my part to make sure people know about the problem of human trafficking. I can mention an article I read in Marie Claire, specify our Holy Father's monthly intention before praying a group Rosary, wear a Common Thread ring or an anti-slavery t-shirt, or suggest my book group read Not For Sale. I can teach my children about slavery, in an age-appropriate manner, and help them understand how fortunate they are to be free. In short, I can look for opportunities given my by the Holy Spirit to share this issue with people who may be interested in learning more. As long as I do not lecture or push the subject past the point that people are willing to listen, there is no gathering where it would not be appropriate to take these poor with me.

2. Promote a Global Identity
The Church has been consistent in Her teaching that social justice is part of our duty as children of God, and also that the makeup of our global society can create situations of great injustice for which we must take responsibility. In other words, our choices here in America affect not only those we come into contact with, but people thousands of miles away whom we will never meet. It is not enough to care for myself and my family, I must care for the whole world. The more I understand about the complex machinery of international trade and globalization, the more I am able to make good choices that promote a culture of respect and preserve the humanity of everyone on Earth. This is a difficult concept to communicate in only a few sentences, but it is the foundation of my worldview and the reason I launched this blog.

3. Promote the Theology of the Body
Here's something more concrete! Many of the victims of human trafficking are young women and girls who are sold into brothels or to individual families as something between a concubine and domestic servant. I can't write here about how heartrendingly awful their lives are. The Marie Claire article in #1 above has a good overview. Sex slaves have been an unfortunate part of the human experience for as long as we have had a history, and it may seem there is very little I can do to change a culture so twisted that it would allow such atrocities. But I can. For one thing, I can use Natural Family Planning. The very nature of NFP is that it asks couples to deny their instinctual yearnings and instead focus their energies on love, mutual sacrifice, and non-sexual intimacy. In conjunction with the Theology of the Body, this teaching promotes the now nearly-laughable idea that men and women can control themselves and that sex is neither a right nor a recreation. We may not have cage brothels in my town, but we certainly have a culture where sex is not valued as it ought to be. My example may help others embrace the concept of self-giving through abstinence. In addition, times of abstinence can be difficult for couples. When it is difficult for me, I can offer up my feelings to God, asking Him to bring comfort, freedom, and healing to a woman trapped in slavery.

4. Promote Education
One of the causes of human trafficking is a lack of opportunity for those in poverty. In many instances, people are promised a job and then taken instead into a life of slavery. Sometimes, families sell their children because they have no other source of income. I have long believed that the key to eradicating poverty and oppression lies in education. It is not only a matter of job-training, although that is critically important, but also in allowing ideas to permeate a culture where, too often, hate and division have been predominant. Donating used books and school materials, volunteering at my kids' schools, and supporting my local library are all good ways that I can promote education right in my own neighborhood.

5. Advocate for Better Laws and Systems
While some aspects of human trafficking can get caught up in other issues, like immigration or reproductive rights, most legislation is thoroughly bipartisan. The Trafficking Victims Protection Act of 2000 passed the Senate unanimously. Catholic Relief Services has an Action Center where you can sign up to receive email alerts when relevant legislation needs your voice. I find it incredibly helpful to read the Bishops' position on pending legislation, not only to inform my conscience with the wisdom of Church teaching, but also because, frankly, I just don't have the time to research all the possible issues myself. Even when the government doesn't act upon our suggestions, we have at least made our position known. The more voices call out for justice, and the louder we shout, the more our elected officials will listen.

6. Pray

We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

-- Thessalonians 5: 14-18

PRAYER TO END TRAFFICKING
Lord of freedom and love, we are saddened to know that more than one million people are trafficked into slavery each year.
Our hearts grieve for what our minds can barely comprehend, particularly when we hear of women, men, and children who are deceived and transported to unknown places.
We recognize this sexual and economic exploitation occurs because of human greed and profit.
We are sorrowful and our spirits angry that human dignity is being degraded through deception and threats of force.
Help the violators to be transformed and enlightened to realize the scope of their unjust actions.
Allow them to see the value and the dignity of every human person.
Lord of Life, strengthen those whose hearts have been broken and lives have been uprooted.
Give us the light, grace, and courage to work with you so that we can all participate in the goodness of creation.
Fill us with the wisdom and courage to stand in solidarity with the victims so that we may all enjoy the freedoms and rights which have their source in your Son and our Lord Jesus Christ.
-- Adapted from Franciscans International and a prayer by Sr. G. Cassani, SSND

If you wish to learn more, or if you feel moved to help financially or otherwise, you can also visit the following websites dedicated to fighting human trafficking.

The Polaris Project: http://www.polarisproject.org/
The Somaly Mam Foundation: http://www.somaly.org/
Human Trafficking: http://www.humantrafficking.org
Catholic Relief Services: http://crs.org/public-policy/trafficking.cfm
The Human Trafficking Project: http://traffickingproject.blogspot.com/
Franciscans International: http://www.franciscansinternational.org/
International Justice Mission: http://www.facebook.com/InternationalJusticeMission (main page not loading for me, so I'm linking to their Facebook site) Thanks, Ruthanne!!
Project Exodus: www.project-exodus.org (Thanks, Tami!)

7 Quick Takes Friday

2010-05-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

We have a theme today.

7 Quick Ways to Kick a Bad Mood

We all have those days. It's part of the human experience. Mine usually begin when my 3 year old decides she does NOT want to wear leggings with her dress and we're out of clean tights. Nothing is quite like starting a day with a full-on tantrum and Mommy guilt ("If I'd only done laundry last night we wouldn't be in this situation!"), unless you throw a sleepless night, a cold, and a visit from a demanding family member into the mix. Not that I'm speaking from experience here, just hypothetically...

My life doesn't stop when I have a bad day. My kids still need their mom, grocery store clerks still deserve a friendly smile, the people in my life have to be treated with kindness and dignity. I can't walk around in a funk, taking out my mood on other people. Abigail had a nice post about this the other day, in which she quoted Thomas Aquinas:

"Affability is the duty of justice, it is a kind of debt of decency. Affability is the virtue of maturity and not of youth. It requires the discipline and strength of character to be even-keeled in one's demeanor, regardless of how one is feeling. It is that rare species of charity, the heroic strength that does not inflict one's fluctuating moods upon others."

This is particularly important for moms, as our mood affects the well-being of our families. And if it is our duty as Christian Mothers to be happy even when we feel sad, annoyed, put upon or disappointed, then we need to pursue happiness actively.* This is one of the key themes of The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, which I read earlier this year and heartily recommend.

Easier said than done, though! Plus, much of the common advice for cheering yourself up revolves around purchasing or eating: buy a new outfit, bake cookies, hire a babysitter so you can have a few moments to yourself, go out for lunch with a friend, etc. Sometimes these ideas are really good; hanging out with a friend is an excellent mood lifter. But there are times when that's simply not possible. People on a budget, SAHMs with large families, and those with limited time need to get more creative. In addition, I find taking the poor with me through a bad mood also serves to renew my dedication to serving God through serving the poor.

My top 7 ways to lift a bad mood:

1. PRAY
This is number one for a reason. There's really no other solution to petty annoyances than to give them to God and renew the consolation of His love in our hearts. I find Adoration the most effective way to pray, because it provides me with both silence and the physical presence of our Lord. But even a short prayer to the Holy Spirit can help, or a repeated, "Jesus, I give this over to you."

2. LISTEN TO MUSIC

"Music has charms to soothe the savage breast
To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak." -- William Congreve

Whatever kind of music makes you feel like smiling, dancing, or singing is good. I have K-LOVE pre-programed in my car, and it always comforts and cheers me. If the song they're playing is too sad, I switch to classical or pop in a Rodrigo y Gabriella CD. Fun music is a great mood lifter!

3. GET PERSPECTIVE
It's a function of our comfortable lives that we tend to overblow little things that don't matter in the long run. Whenever petty annoyances threaten to engulf us, it can help to consider: Will I care about this two hours from now? Two days? Two years? Would I care about this if my daughter had leukemia? If my mother was dying? Would I care about this if we had no money left in our bank account? If my husband left me?

4. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
I often encounter images of suffering that stay with me. They flicker to my conscious mind sometimes, to remind me that I am blessed with an abundance of wonderful things. Because I have a special affinity for the poorest of the poor, I often call to mind the image of a woman in India I once saw on a poster at a Church during Lent. She was clearly starving, clearly made old before her time from the toil and agony of her life. I am blessed beyond her imagining, not only with material possessions, but with freedom, love, and, in the words of Charlotte Mason, "tales of the imagination." Though all of us as children of God are privileged to receive the consolation of Christ's mercy, some of us are asked to bear a heavier load than others. Sometimes, simply reflecting on this is enough to make me joyful again.

5. SERVE THOSE IN NEED
I am fortunate to have a relationship with two families living in subsidized housing. I see them once a week or so, and have been helping them with various things for the last two years. Without fail, I leave their homes energized and filled with the Holy Spirit. This is not because of anything particularly special about them, or from the usual satisfaction that comes from doing works of charity. In fact, most of what I do is of no practical use to them whatsoever. It certainly hasn't made any substantial change in their lives; they continue to struggle every day. But in our relationship, I find a sense of God's presence. I think this is because Christ is always particularly present with the poor and suffering. He has a special love for them, and to be near them is to be near Him.

6. EXERCISE
Our bodies were made to move. We are dynamic, kinetic creations. Too often when we're in a bad mood, we do the exact opposite of what we ought to do: We slow down and get quiet and still. I belong to our local YMCA, which provides FREE CHILD CARE as long as I'm in the building, for up to two hours. If your local Y or rec center has a similar service, by all means take advantage of it! Moderate exercise releases endorphins, takes your mind off your problems, and strengthens your heart, muscles, bones, and immune system. Even something as simple as strapping the kids into the stroller and walking around the neighborhood can lift a bad mood (not only ours, but the kids' as well!)

7. CLEAN SOMETHING
Maybe this is just me, but my inertia is the biggest obstacle to my productivity. As a corollary, it's also my strongest asset. Once I get started on something, I find it difficult to stop. So if I sit down at the computer, I will sit there until something makes me move. If I get started on a book, I want to read it to the end. So I find it helpful to get started on something that really needs doing, like vacuuming. Even if it doesn't result in the entire house getting cleaned, at least I get the satisfaction of having accomplished something. Being able to point to a clean room and think: I did this! boosts both my mood and my self-esteem. Professionals might get the same satisfaction from cleaning a drawer, going through their email, mailing a document, or something along those lines. But simply getting something done is key to breaking the downward cycle of the doldrums.

For more Quick Takes visit Jen's blog!

* I'm referring here only to petty annoyances. There are many things in our lives which can cause deep unhappiness over which we have NO control at all, and I'm definitely not suggesting that it is our duty as Christian Mothers to smile while being abused or put a good face on misery. Your cat dies, and that's a real loss that will take time to heal. Your cat throws up on the carpet...well...that's something these tips might help us with. Also, depression is a real, physical problem for many people, and these suggestions are not going to touch that kind of despair. They're not meant to. Please seek professional help if you have feelings of hopelessness, profound despair or lethargy that negatively affect your ability to function and last two weeks or longer.

Defeating Satan

2010-05-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

I don't usually pin my troubles on spiritual warfare. It's the sort of thing I do believe in (in a "Yeah, it's probably true" sort of way,) but it's certainly not my first thought whenever I'm faced with a challenge or hardship. I tend first to look at myself: is there something I am doing, or not doing, that is causing this?

Yet I've been increasingly convinced that the obstacles to our adoption are coming from a nefarious spiritual source. It was my husband, actually, who alerted me to this fact. I have been called to adopt for years and years. I've been praying for it daily and offering my Masses for at least three years now. Yet I've been met with such resistance from my husband that I have put the possibility aside for some undetermined age that is known only as "God's Time." I know I will adopt. At some point. But it's not on the radar right now.

A few weeks ago my husband sent me an email with an adoption horror story where a boy was returned, by himself, to Russia (who was threatening to freeze all American adoptions at the time of the story. ) He followed it up a few days later with an opinion post by an adoptive father lamenting the dearth of support agencies and resources for those with troubled adoption situations.

In the email, my husband wrote something like, "These stories are just falling into my lap without me seeking them out. If I believed in an omnipotent being, I'd think he was trying to tell me something."

It floored me at the time, and I started thinking to myself, "Maybe he's right...Maybe God is speaking to my husband because I'm such a control freak that He can't reach me through my stubborn fixation on this idea. Maybe God really is saying no to the adoption...Maybe it's because I'm not a good enough mother...I yell at my kids too much and I watch too much TV and don't sweep the kitchen every day...Maybe God knows I couldn't handle it..." Then I got hold of myself and realized I had played right into that trap of self-doubt and fear that is the Devil's M.O. It took me a few weeks to see it, but once I did it became clear as day.

Who uses fear to keep us from doing good? Who divides a husband and wife? Who attacks using lies that are hidden by half-truths? Not God. Not an omnipotent being who loves us, loves His creation and urges us to be loving to each other. I'm aware of the potential for great pain and sacrifice. It's not enough to drive the call from my heart, because God has put that call there, and "I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8 : 38-39

These adoption horror stories are not coming from God. They're coming from someone who wants to stop the adoption. I've been reading a book titled "Successful Adoption," and this afternoon I read the following: "When you adopt a special-needs child, Satan really doesn't like it, because that has been his territory, and he knows that God is going to be glorified." Source: Robin Pennington

Satan is served by people fearing to adopt. It supports the idea that there are too many people in this world, and that children are a burden rather than a blessing. It creates a justification for abortion, birth control and IVF. It perpetuates the lie that suffering is bad and should be avoided whenever possible. When people are afraid, they do not reach out. They close in, protecting themselves from suffering and harm. Satan is served when people are afraid, because fear makes us put ourselves and our own needs first.

It's like my heart has burst into flames and my energies to pray for our adoption have been completely renewed. I'm still prepared to wait for God's time, but instead of limiting my prayers to "Lord Jesus, I pray for our adoption and our future children," I am going to be focusing my prayers to defeat the work of Satan. A novena to our Lady seems an excellent place to start, followed by candles lit at my parish for this purpose and a daily prayer to St. Michael the Archangel. I'm also going to turn my husband's heart over to St. Joseph, foster father of our Lord Jesus. What a wonderful role model in whom we can place our trust!

I humbly ask for your prayers as well, my friends. For me, for my husband, for our adoption and for an increase in adoptions around the world, for those who are orphaned, for those who are neglected or abused or unloved, for those in foster care, for all those awaiting a forever family, and for all families.

Picture credit.

Embracing the Good Samaritan

2010-04-23T16:07:00.005-07:00

While waiting for my son's catechism class to end the other day, I picked up the latest copy of Catholic Update, and read the article on the works of mercy. It had a perspective on the parable of the Good Samaritan that really struck me. Apparently this is a well-known analysis: that the parable is not about how we are all called to help others, but rather is meant to help us recognize the mercy Christ has shown us. It is a parable of God's salvation -- Jesus is the neighbor, the Good Samaritan. He comes to us, who are hurt and broken, and provides us with everything we need. He heals our wounds, takes us to a resting place, pays our debt, and promises to return for us.

Naturally, we are called to help others. Scripture is clear in many other passages, most notably last Sunday's reading from John 21 which I have at the bottom of this webpage. "Feed my lambs, tend my sheep," says Jesus, calling His disciples to provide spiritually and materially for all His children. But what strikes me is the focus of the most famous passage of Scripture. Even non-believers are aware of the parable of the Good Samaritan. In some states there are Good Samaritan laws that hold bystanders accountable for failing to render aid.

Yet I think most of us fail to understand it properly. Jesus is not telling us what we should do. He is showing us what God has done. The parable of the Good Samaritan is not a set of instructions. It's a song of praise for God's goodness.

It echoes what I've been feeling these past few months. There has been a great deal of upheaval in my life, starting with the ectopic pregnancy and progressing right through discerning school options for next year, determining the relationship I will have with certain family members, and making decisions on future children. All the questions I've had about what God wants me to do, I have taken to Him in Adoration, and all I keep hearing in my heart is "Don't worry," and "This is My work."

It IS His work. Nothing I do is my own doing. Nothing I achieve is the product of my labors. All the effort and anxiety I put into trying to do the Lord's will doesn't draw me nearer to Him. It just increases my worry.

I took such comfort from that article, almost as though God was saying to me, "Calm down and leave things in My hands." My job is not to go out there and save all the poor and downtrodden; it's simply to embrace God's salvation and allow it to work within me. When I find opportunities to perform the corporal and spiritual works of mercy, I should respond with the same spirit and outpouring of love Christ has shown me.

That's it. That's the sum of my job on this earth. No need to control things and work myself into a lather about timing and persuading those around me to join in my efforts. Just quiet love and a joyful spirit of giving.

As Paul has said:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
-- Phillipians 4: 11-13

Content in every situation, and do all through Him who gives me strength. The peace and happiness I've felt from letting this truth fill my heart has enabled me to takes steps I've never been able to before, and which I plan to post about in the future. It has also, I hope, made me a better wife and mother, which is my primary vocation and deepest desire of my heart.

Picture credit.

Internet vs Productivity

2010-04-08T11:44:00.003-07:00

What I Learned
One of the things I discovered during my Lenten internet fast was how very, very often I pop on the computer "Just to see if there's a new email." The first week of Lent was extremely difficult; I'd stand, forlorn and disoriented in the middle of my kitchen, yearning to get online. Then I'd make myself do something else (start the laundry, read a book to the kids, put something away) and I'd find myself suddenly busy with a million things that needed doing. By the end of the first week, I had a rhythm that sustained me throughout Lent and it really wasn't at all difficult to refrain from checking email or surfing blogs. (Of course, it helped to know that I could get online the next Sunday. I don't know that I'd be as serene if I had to give it up entirely those 40 days. And I should mention, too, that I continued to use the internet for work. I looked up coloring pages and science projects for the kids, searched for recipes when I needed to use up some extra ricotta, renewed and reserved library books as needed, etc.)

The second thing I discovered was that when I have time online, I will surf just for the sake of surfing. When I limited my internet usage to one day a week, I just didn't have time follow a series of links, research a phrase or acronym someone used that I didn't understand, look up frivolous things like the name of the actor in the movie I saw the other night that I thought I recognized but can't remember where, etc. I pretty much just read through my Blogger dashboard, replied to email, read through the analyses of Project Runway and LOST, and laughed at the Onion and Cakewrecks.

I had hoped it would give me more time for prayer, but it wasn't my internet fast that helped me to pray. Instead, it was a 27 day Rosary novena that I started in early March for discernment. When it comes down to it, I can find things other than the internet to keep me from God. Phone calls, TV, even books can all distract me from developing a prayer life. It's not the internet that's to blame. It's my self-indulgence that keeps me from God.

What I Did
Still, nothing sucks a person in like the internet. I'm very glad to have gone through the fast and am trying as much as possible to continue the habits I developed during Lent. A few things that help me, in general, to fulfill my responsibilities instead of slacking off:

1. Do it now.
This phrase is borrowed from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, which I've been reading and LOVING. Too often I say to myself, "I'll get to that in a minute, right now I'm just going to pop online for a bit." I try now to physically turn myself toward the task and think, "No. I'm just going to do it now."

2. Turn off the computer.
If I have to boot up, log in, wait for the fourteen different security screens to check for viruses and only THEN have access to my email, I am much more likely to say, "Eh, I'll do it later tonight." Having ready and immediate access is a recipe for disaster.

3. Be in the moment.
When I had no ability to immerse myself in the world of the internet, I had to force myself to stop thinking about it. Instead of wondering whether anyone had commented on my post, or replied to my email, or whether a certain blog had updated, or what so and so thought of the TV show or movie I'd seen recently, I had to switch my brain to whatever was going on around me in my real life and be present there.

4. Plan ahead.
Whenever I couldn't get something off my mind, I used the post-it feature on my computer to make a small note to myself so I could plan on doing it Sunday. Some things I wrote down during Lent: Trip to Savannah/Charleston Aug 13th (flights?), Grass by Sheri Tepper, LOST actress same as Rome?, Check Netflix queue for Oscar winners.

5. Start something, anything.
Whenever I felt that temptation pulling me back to the computer, I forced myself to do one thing: Put a plate away, bring a toy upstairs, clean a sink. Usually, it distracted me and eradicated the temptation. And it felt good to have accomplished something when I was done.

What I Missed
I didn't get to read any news at all. Not even the headlines. There was simply no time for it. I also didn't get to comment on anyone's posts, or even to read the comments other people left. I think online discussions are one of the benefits of the internet: even if you don't have time for a 1/2 hour phone conversation, you can have a deep and meaningful discussion on an important issue if you comment back and forth on someone's blog. So missing out on those facets of the internet were difficult for me.

In retrospect, I think giving up the internet is the perfect Lenten sacrifice for me. It's something I do constantly, and though it's enjoyable, it's certainly an indulgence that isn't essential to my life. Giving it up made me notice I didn't have it, and miss it, and I was happy to do that for God. Everything I discovered duplicates the experience of other bloggers I've read who did a similar fast, which says something to me about the internet itself and the ease by which we all fall in love with it.

I'll end with a funny video from the Onion. Happy Easter everyone!

Perspective

2010-03-21T13:51:00.004-07:00

I'm late on 7 Quick Takes because I'm only online on Sundays. Hopefully I can jump in without penalty!

1. It's very unlikely we will homeschool next year. While I see successes in some areas, the overall atmosphere is very unpleasant. My son hates learning and complains no matter what task I set him to. He procrastinates and sulks and sabotages his assignments, which makes me so frustrated that I lose my temper and create exactly the kind of environment that experts say prevents a child's ability to learn. I've prayed for strength, for patience, for guidance, and it comes down to this: it's not working. I want to be open minded and accept that homeschool might not be right for us.

2. So we are in the process of finding a school for him. I'd like to make the financial sacrifice and send him to our parish school, if only because at least that way he'd still get to Mass once during the week and would receive catechism instruction on a daily basis. I'm not yet convinced, though, that the benefits of a Catholic education outweigh the financial burden. But I found the public school overcrowded when we visited last week, so if I had to choose, I'd prefer the private school.

3. I am starting to get really super-excited about the idea of having some time to myself every day. I could work on my book. Possibly (gulp) finish it! I could do fun stuff with my son instead of having all our interactions be adversarial! I could schedule doctors appointments that don't involve my kids shouting and screaming and barging in while I'm being examined! I could sit at Mass and actually pray in silence! Wow!

4. I am also really, fundamentally, depressed about this. It's hard not to feel like a failure. If I were a better teacher, perhaps my son wouldn't fight learning so much. It saddens me that he'll have so much less time now for role play and adventuring. I hate that he'll be gone 7 hours every day and that he'll probably be spending most of that sitting down at a desk. I am deeply worried about his social interactions, both the influences he'll be exposed to as well as the potential for bullying. This just isn't what I wanted for him.

5. My dad has invited us to visit Malta with him this summer. I haven't been since I was three, and this time I really want to explore the churches and the monuments and take a boat tour and all sorts of amazing things that you can do on an island in the middle of the Mediterranean that was settled by ancient Romans! I am supremely blessed with family members who buy me vacations to wonderful places. Unfortunately, I am afraid to fly and will probably spend the entire time over the ocean going through decade after decade of the Rosary. Eh. Prayers are never a bad thing.

6. Last year, I declined requests to be a catechist at my Parish as well as a co-leader for my moms group and planning member of the Colorado Catholic Homeschoolers conference because we were planning to be open to life in January and I didn't think it was a good idea to commit to a volunteer position and then disappear off the face of the Earth halfway through. I'm facing the same choice again for the fall, which is when we are next planning to be open to life again after the unforeseen ectopic pregnancy I experienced a few months ago. Part of me thinks it's ridiculous to plan for something that may not happen, the rest of me thinks that ALL plans may not happen so that's stupid logic. I have been feeling a pull to take more risks and trust God more lately. So perhaps I'll go ahead and volunteer, and then trust that people will figure things out if we are blessed as we hope to be in the fall.

7. And in news that illuminates posts 1 - 6 as the frivolous prattle of a person with no real problems, I found out yesterday that a friend is pregnant. She's really not in a very good place right now and can't afford another baby. I don't want to say any more out of respect for her privacy, but I do ask that you pray for R--. She is not considering an abortion at all, but she is very worried about how they can manage, and she needs a great deal of help.

More Quick Takes at Conversion Diary!

Perfection

2010-02-21T19:18:00.005-07:00

I know I have blogged on this subject before, but it's one of the main issues I struggle with and which keeps me from both joy and trust in God. Logically I know we are all imperfect and that God loves us regardless. I love my children and my husband, and they are not perfect. I do not need to be perfect in order to be a child of God and do His will.

But I don't want to do anything unless I can do it well. I know that's a big part of why my book is languishing, 6 years into the writing of it, at about 2/3 complete. I fear that it won't be successful, that it won't be my best work, that people won't find it interesting or worth the read. In my mind I know all of these things are not only probable, but certain. Of course my first novel will not be my best! What a sad situation if I cannot improve on my first work for the rest of my life! And of course many people won't like it. In fact, I bet most of the people I know won't like it because those who share my love for speculative fiction will find it quaint and moralistic, while those who would appreciate its religious message probably won't get past the kings and magic element. As for success...what is that? Many bad books are published, many good books are not. Besides, I'm not going to reach heaven simply by writing a novel that receives wide public acclaim. I know all this. But knowing and accepting are two different things.

I know, for instance, that I will probably never be able to save 10% of my husband's income simply by reducing my spending. With the major purchases already accounted for (mortgage, insurance, savings, etc.) my impact on the budget is simply too limited to achieve a full tithe. Which is as it should be. A sacrifice like that is something a family must do together because it makes such an enormous impact on quality-of-life. I'm just starting to accept that perhaps my ideals cannot co-exist with reality, and that I am not able to accomplish things through desire alone.

I have similar angst about my decision to homeschool. As deeply as I desire to mimic a Charlotte Mason education with its emphasis on living books, nature studies and active discipline, the reality of my and my childrens' personalities have not made it easy. After five months of effort with my son, we are still fighting over every single assignment (though he is as proud and enthusiastic about his work as he can be once we finish.)

The sin of pride keeps me focused on perfection. I want so badly to look back on my day and think, "Yes, I have done well. I am worthy of God's love because I am a good person who does God's will." That thinking is sinful and dangerous. It puts up a barrier to keep God in a particular role and doesn't allow for grace or trust or the childlike attitude God wants from me. So I must look hard at my plans for the future and ask myself: When it becomes clear I cannot reach my ideals, where does the path lead from there?

The answer, of course, is still "To do God's will." Do I believe it is His will that I homeschool? Emphatically, yes. He has led me here deliberately, through decisions that I weren't even mine, and through contact with faithful, inspiring Catholics whose words I recognize as wisdom. I believe I am called to homeschool even if I can't do it in a perfect manner. So with that as my base, it seems obvious that I need to re-examine the TYPE of homeschooling that I'm doing.

If I can't maintain a calm and encouraging environment while trying to teach my son narration, then perhaps he's more of a workbook and textbook kid. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If I can't celebrate the Church calendar and have a Saints Tea every week, then at least I can mention to the kids what the feast day is and read them stories about the Saints on occasion. I need to be open to lowering the bar without removing it entirely. So often I get discouraged and think, "Oh, forget it! It's not worth it! It's too hard!" I need to keep fighting. Even if my tactics change, my mission doesn't. So I can't save 1/3rd of my monthly budget. Okay. I'll work on saving 1/10th instead. I need to be firm in my convictions and respond to well-meaning concerns about my kids' socialization and the quality of their education with statements like, "I believe this is best for them at this time." And I have to believe in my heart that it is true, that God has called me in all my imperfections. He wants me to reduce spending and set aside money for the poor. He wants me to homeschool. He wants me to be the mother of my children because I am the best mother for them at this time, even if I could still be better.

And then I need to pray: God, help me be better!

Picture credit.

A little more Person, please

2010-02-10T17:05:00.002-07:00

I am doing better. Thank you, everyone, for your beautiful words of encouragement. I've found that my physical and mental healing are progressing together. I can't remember on whose blog I read it, but a woman who had recently suffered a miscarriage spoke of her "shoulds" turning to "woulds." Instead of feeling, "I should be 22 weeks pregnant now," she had begun to think, "I would be 22 weeks." The difference encapsulates what I'm feeling, too. While I'm still sad, I don't feel the aching emptiness anymore. I don't feel that I'm "off" because I'm not pregnant.

At the moment, I'm reflecting on Lent and discerning my Lenten sacrifice. Gretchen Rubin of the Happiness Project had a post last December with tips on refraining from holiday indulgences. In it, she describes two personality types: abstainers or moderators. After careful thought, I have discovered I am a moderator. I like an occasional treat and can stop after a little bit, whereas when I am totally deprived of something, I grow crabby and whiny and obsess over it.

In fact, it's led me to a realization that I hope will help me better order my time. I think I've been neglecting one of the five Ps (as illustrated in A Mother's Rule of Life): I'm not taking time to feed myself as a Person. This is not to say that I am work, work, work 100% of the day. Far from it, unfortunately. I spend more time than a person should vegging out in front of the TV, and I frequently bake myself any kind of treat I feel like. In fact, do you know what I had for lunch today? Scones with blackberry jam and cream. They were awesome, BTW. I highly recommend that recipe.

The point, though, is that indulging my immediate desires does not grow me as a person. In the serious parts of my life -- prayer, parenting, providing, partnering -- I am growing. But in terms of my self, my professional core, I am doing the equivalent of living on fast food and cupcakes. Those things I do to entertain myself, like watching Star Trek or dancing to salsa music, while thoroughly enjoyable, do not grow me.

So I think what I need to do is give up those little indulgences that make me feel good in the moment, but don't do anything concrete to grow me as a person. Instead, I need to spend that time on something productive, say, finishing my book or writing a short story or critiquing a friend's novel. Out with the mindless, in with the fruitful. Giving up the internet for Lent seems a good place to start, though I think I will follow the example of some other faithful Catholics I know who have done this and allow Sundays for checking email and catching up on blogs. Otherwise, the amount of backlog come Easter is overwhelming.

Jen had an awesome post on this a couple days ago, and I know Anna gave up the internet for Lent last year. Several of the families in my homeschooling network don't own televisions at all (!!!) so I know this is not only an achievable goal, but a laudable one that can bear significant fruit. I'm excited to embark on this journey!

Picture credit.

2010-01-28T15:18:00.004-07:00

I keep waiting for some clarity or closure to come to me with this so I can write a decent post, but nothing's coming yet. So I figure perhaps I'm being called just to post raw, without any nice revelations to share.

Little Acorn was not a miscarriage. After a week of bleeding my hormone levels were still registering pregnant, but they weren't doubling every few days like they would in a normal, healthy pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and confirmed an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube.

They'd suspected it for a while, since just about the only thing that would cause those sustained, low, puttering hormone levels was a pregnancy that had implanted outside the uterus, but I wanted firm proof before doing anything about it. For three days I prayed for a miracle, received the Anointing of the Sick, and called in every friend and family member to pray for me. Then I went in for my ultrasound and they told me my uterus was empty. It didn't even have enough lining to support life. The doctor said there was "nothing going on in there." I asked to see the ultrasound, and they showed me the white ring and dark blotches around it and said that was her.

I say "her" not because we have any idea of her gender, but because I felt the name Elizabeth so strongly in my heart while carrying her. I started bleeding on the feast of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, and I prayed for her intercession and promised to name the baby after her. I love the name, and with it comes a sense of the baby as a girl. So that's what I'm going with.

They gave me two shots, one in each hip, which didn't hurt as much as they said it would. I collected my kids and went home. I cried, of course, and felt deep sadness. I explained it to my kids, and my six-year-old showed remarkable understanding. My three-year-old thought the shots were to make the baby get well, since that's what I tell her vaccinations are for. She took a while to get it, but hasn't shown any reaction, for which I'm grateful.

I, on the other hand, have only felt worse and worse as the days go by. For the first week or so I had nightmares about finding Elizabeth, tiny, tiny, tiny, on the floor of the bathroom and putting her in a safe place in the cupboard. I had one where I gave birth and she opened her eyes. She was smaller than my palm and looked nothing like a baby, but I was just so elated that she was still alive and I could take care of her. I put her up against my heart, but then the next time I looked down, she had died.

I feel so much worse than when I thought I was miscarrying. I don't know if that's because of the circumstances of this situation -- where I had to actually let the doctors harm her rather than simply waiting on the will of God. Or perhaps it's because even while miscarrying, there was still such strong hope in me that the baby would somehow make it (hope supported by the many people who told me stories of how they or their mother or their sister or their friend had bleeding early on and still had a healthy baby.) Then when I had the shots, I felt everything just got taken away from me so quickly and came to such an abrupt and horrible end. I know a big part of it is the hormones and their dastardly fluctuations. Part of it is guilt, too. I feel like I didn't fight for her hard enough, though I know there's nothing I could have done.

But mostly it's just that I feel so terrible that she had to die. I pray, and all that comes to me is, "I'm so, so sorry, Elizabeth."

And part of me can't help but wonder...was it God's will that we both die? It's not always a certainty that the mother dies when an ectopic pregnancy ruptures the tube, but it's very dangerous and can cause infertility if it's not fatal. Have I thwarted God's will for me? Did He intend this to end my fertility or bring my soul to Him? I know in my mind that the Church encourages the use of medicine and does not ascribe to the idea that the only healing possible must come from God. But I wonder...and my heart is troubled.

I think of the poor. If I were a mother in Sudan or rural Bangladesh, or under a fundamentalist regime where women have limited access to doctors, I might not have known about the ectopic pregnancy until it was too late for both of us. In another age or place, they might not have been able to do anything about it. Should I count myself fortunate to live in America, with conscientious doctors and good insurance coverage?

I don't feel fortunate. I feel awful.

I miss Elizabeth.

Trust and Obedience

2010-01-06T11:54:00.001-07:00

I had a great post planned about trusting in God and the intercession of the Saints. It was awesome. I'd been very stressed about an upcoming wedding where I'd have to make a speech, and decided I needed supernatural assistance. So I said a novena to St. Dymphna and immediately experienced an increase in confidence that God would take care of things and the speech would go well. When it went better than well, I was all prepared to sit down and crow about the power of God and how praying to the Saints really works. A success story! What a great post!

Then my life took a surprising turn. I found out I was pregnant. And just as quickly, found out I was miscarrying. Yesterday morning I had a dizzy spell while driving my daughter to preschool and had to pull over and get out of the car. It triggered a massive panic attack which led the kind stranger who found me hunched over on his porch to call an ambulance to take me to the ER. It all turned out to be nothing, just some cramps and nausea associated with the miscarriage. Everything was fine.

So much for trusting in God and overcoming my anxieties. Why is it that whenever I'm confronted with a situation that's out of my control, I completely lose it? I spent a large part of yesterday beating myself up for not being able to handle that dizzy spell. I had a long list of "if onlys." If only I'd lain on the sidewalk until it passed...if only I'd called my husband instead of the ambulance...if only I'd waited five minutes to leave the house, or left 10 minutes earlier...if only I'd had my cell phone with me...

What bothered me most about it was that it was the panic attack which sent me to the ER, not the miscarriage. As sad as I am to be saying goodbye to my Little Acorn, healthwise, there's really no problem. My bleeding is light, and aside from that one big cramp while driving, I've hardly had any pain at all. If only I weren't such an Nervous Nellie...Why can't I just trust in God?

Finally last night, while meditating on the fifth Joyful mystery, God hit me over the head with the sanity stick. Jesus is lost in Jerusalem, the Son of God entrusted to Mary and Joseph is missing, and they are FRANTIC while they search for him. Doesn't Joseph say, "Son, why have you done this to us? Can't you see how worried your mother and I have been?" Jesus gently chides them. "Why were you worried? Didn't you know I must be about my Father's business?" And God asks me, "Do you think Mary's emotional response to losing her son means that she doesn't trust Me?"

Mary, who said yes to a plan that must have seemed wildly impossible, surely trusted God. She must have known that God, who sent an angel to warn them of Herod's soldiers and kept them safe on the trip to Egypt, would not let any harm come to His son until He had fulfilled His mission. She must have known, even before Jesus reminded her, that He not only had the power to take care of Himself, but also to guide and save others. Yet she was worried and upset, searching for Jesus everywhere.

It's okay for me to be anxious and experience panic attacks. They are the natural, human response to stressful situations. Their presence is not an indictment of my ability to trust God. What matters is not how I feel about a given situation, but what I do. If I allow my panic and anxiousness to keep me from doing the Lord's work, then I am not trusting God. But if I go ahead along the path He's made clear to me, even if I am nervous and frightened and stressed, as long as I keep on doing what I'm meant to do, He will take care of things.

Picture credit.

2009-12-18T13:14:00.002-07:00

1. So my foot issue of last week blew up into a full-on episode. I had every toe on both feet hot, swollen and painful for three days, which made walking difficult and putting on shoes torture. My husband really stepped up, Bless him, and cleaned the house, took care of the kids and brought me Advil whenever I asked. As always when situations like those occur, I am suddenly struck with gratitude for the life I have, complete with good health, a warm house, a loving husband and the money to see specialists and buy medicine. Of course, the medicine didn't work, but there's a good opportunity to offer it up for the sake of those who aren't so lucky.

2. Still no clear word on what caused the swelling, or how to prevent future flareups, but my podiatrist diagnosed me with Raynauds Syndrome. I find the diagnosis kind of funny, actually, because my whole life I've been having problems with circulation in my hands and feet, leading to things like entire fingers turning white. My husband has been helping me out by holding my cold hands and enduring my icy feet against his legs every night of our entire marriage. So the idea that it's actually a syndrome is just awesomely funny. All this time, we just thought I was a Teeny One (his nickname for me.) Turns out I have a DISEASE! LOL It's not really a disease...

3. The foot issue did prevent me from attending my book club on Sunday, which really bummed me out because we were reading Shanghai Girls and having a pot luck Chinese feast to coincide with our discussion. Then I find out a few days later that they discussed the Catholic views on birth control! Without me! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! If I needed any more signs from God that I'm being called to silence, I think this would do it. Clearly, God was protecting me from being a total attention-whore and alienating the women in my club with my endless pontificating on the Theology of the Body. Or...possibly...teaching me humility by showing me that important discussions of this type can really happen in my absence and no meteors fall from the sky to herald the apocalypse. Note to self: speak up less.

4. Which is ironically supported by videos like this, which (tongue in cheek notwithstanding) clearly show that you can praise God with silence as effectively as words.

5. I have been purposely holding off on Christmas baking until tomorrow. The sooner you start, the more you eat, right? So I've dedicated the whole day to a baking extravaganza! I'll start with a trip to the grocery store for ingredients, then begin with toffee, progress to peppermint bark and finish with a grand slam of sugar cookies in star shapes, ginger snaps and pressed butter cookies. Woo hoo!

6. I am totally on top of this Christmas thing! Except for my Christmas cards, which are totally and completely not even started at all yet. YIKES. Need to make that a priority, like, soon.

7. Tonight is my husband's office holiday party. I love it. Every year it's just a love fest where the partners get up and say nice things about their work, their employees, their wives and their employees families, and tell the same funny stories from their early years that they told last year. There's wine, good food, and dancing (not that we partake of that because I married a non-dancer. I did so knowingly, but perhaps not fully understanding what that would mean for our lives together.) At any rate, the party is great and I get to dress up! Can't go wrong with that.

7 Quick Takes Friday

2009-12-11T08:31:00.003-07:00

I'm notoriously bad at these 7 Quick Takes posts. Both the getting them done on time and the coming up with 7 small, but interesting things. But today HUZZAH! I have a few tidbits to post!

1. First, this awesome comic, which had me laughing over my breakfast.

Natural Parenting, XKCD-style

2. I love Advent. Someone like me, who is a procrastinator and somewhat disorganized, NEEDS a season like Advent to get ready for Christmas. I like that we have a schedule: first the wreaths, then the four week countdown, decorations on the 3rd Sunday and the tree on the 4th. If I had to jump into the whole shebang with lights, a tree, all my decor and present-shopping the day after Thanksgiving, I might have a nervous breakdown (which is, not coincidentally, what almost happened to me last February when I came back from a month-long vacation and suddenly had to put all my Christmas things away in the span of a few days.) In other words, God bless the Catholic Church in her abundant wisdom!

3. I have finished my Christmas shopping! (GASP) It is unheard of for me; I'm almost always rushing around the week of Christmas, stressed and screaming at the kids, out of money and depressed about it. But this year we set money aside each month, I liberally used Amazon, and my mother and sister came to town for St. Nicholas' Day and we did their present opening extravaganza last Sunday. Technically, I still have to get something for my husband, but since he's being uncooperative and refusing to tell me what he wants, he may end up with a construction paper heart with the words "Good for one night where you get to pick the TV shows instead of having to watch Enterprise reruns and historical documentaries."

4. These are supposed to be quick, right? Like a sentence or two each?

5. I met with a spiritual director on Tuesday last week. Finally! After two years of searching I found a nearby parish where the Priests make spiritual direction a priority and don't limit it to people discerning a vocation! I completely understand why my Parish priests can't serve in this capacity; they're just too busy. But I am thrilled to be meeting with Fr. O'Connor, who is very nice and has advised me to read "The Examen Prayer" as a way of governing my prayer life. The kids ran rampant through our entire session, knocking on the door and begging to be let in because they "Wanted to listen." I'm definitely leaving them with a babysitter next time.

6. I don't know how I'm going to find time to read the book Father recommended, because I have a backlog of about 6 books that people have given me and which I really should have finished ages ago. I just don't read, unfortunately. It is by far my favorite pastime, but it does require somewhat more energy than plopping in front of the TV, and recently that's been my evening pastime of choice. It's something I'm planning to focus on over the next few weeks. Hopefully I'll have some progress to report on it by the New Year.

7. I am finally going to see a podiatrist today. Every winter I suffer from swollen, painful toes, usually on my left foot, and it makes it impossible for me to wear heels of any kind. Normally this isn't an issue, but every now and then I do have an occasion where heels are important (husband's Holiday Party, etc) and then I am in agony for a week. Last night every toe on my left foot swelled, and the pain woke me up at 2:30 in the morning. So I am doing something about it. NOW.

Links of Interest

2009-11-24T13:28:00.002-07:00

A few things I've have come across in the past few days, which I wanted to share with you all.

The Manhattan Declaration
A comprehensive and eloquent statement of the Christian position on abortion, gay marriage and religious liberty. I have been searching for a long time for something like this, which articulates the Christian position with both compassion and conviction. I'd like to carry around a pocket-sized version and memorize it.

Terrorism That's Personal
Please only click this link when you are away from your children and have prayerfully asked God to be with you in the viewing of it. This is a photo essay (hat tip to Feminine Genius) of women in the Middle East who have had acid thrown on them as an act of domestic violence. The article has links to similar stories, such as the famous New York Times article about the girls attacked with acid by men trying to stop them from going to school, and a woman in Asia who was burned by her husband after they divorced.

Most Reverend Jerome Listeki named Archbishop of Milwaukee
This is the priest who presided over our marriage and baptized our firstborn. He has been a family friend for many years and a blessing to all of us who know him. His intelligence, compassion, charisma and humility is unparalleled. Although I am more than happy with the wonderful Shepherd that God has given Denver, I still feel a bit of envy for Milwaukee!

Daily Readings of the Catholic Church
I've been missing Daily Mass since I decided to stop going last September. I found my temper was approaching Def Con 5 and that the frustration of trying to keep both kids upright and relatively quiet FAR exceeded any graces I might be receiving from the Eucharist. But I really missed knowing what was going on with the daily readings and the rhythm of the Church's liturgical year. So I found this link, which has the daily readings, and put it on my Toolbar at the top of my homepage. It's easy to click it, the readings don't take more than a few minutes out of my day, and it's so nice to be reminded of God's word. Happily, I think I'm going to start going back a couple times a week. I've had people at Church come up and invite me back, going out of their way to assure me that they've never been bothered by my children's antics and I should ignore anyone who tries to tell me they (or I) aren't welcome. It wasn't so much that as it was my own impatience with their antics, but it is very nice to know that we've been missed. I'm taking it as God inviting us back, and that's not an invitation you turn down!

David Crowder Band "How He Loves"
One of my favorite songs, and probably the best refrain to have constantly stuck in your head as you go about your day!!!

Keeping up the Good Work

2009-10-29T07:13:00.004-07:00

Over the weekend we had dinner with some friends we haven't seen in a long time. During the course of the conversation, certain opinions came forth that were opposed to Church teaching. Usually in situations like these, I try to determine whether I'm being given an opportunity to defend the Church or to practice humility by remaining silent. Usually. This time I just jumped right in and started arguing. Then someone brought up the Crusades and the sex abuse scandal.

At this point I'd like to say that I rationally defended the Church and explained those anomalies in their historical and cultural context. I did not. I rolled my eyes, I laughed, I got angry and made stupid, sweeping generalizations. Eventually, we moved on to a different subject.

Times like that mostly serve to remind me how very, very far I am from a spirit of gentleness and love for my fellow man. The fact that I can get so completely worked up in a conversation with friends, to the point where I am insulting and obnoxious, illustrates that I am not letting the Holy Spirit work within me. It's discouraging to be reminded how much more spiritual growing I need to do.

But I think it's always going to be this way. Part of the sancification process involves a constant, deliberate rooting out of those sins which keep us from God. Like cleaning the house, we have to be always at work on it. Becoming aware of a fault or a sin is like finding a corner of the study that is just overflowing with accumulated junk and clutter. It takes a long time and serious effort to clean that corner, putting everything in its place and getting rid of the ugliness we don't want. But simply putting it in right order isn't enough. We have to keep visiting that corner, making sure it's not collecting junk again. We have to consciously keep it clean.

It's hard work, and again like housekeeping, it's not very rewarding in the short term. You clean, and it is immediately messy again. So you clean again, and again and again. The rewards are more subtle, such as the peace you feel from living in a place that is ordered and beautiful. Or the self-discipline that you earn by consistent effort at the same task.

Since my personality is so focused on perfection and so easily discouraged, I'm going to try and view things in more of a housekeeping light. If, in a particular circumstance, I don't manage to live up to God's standard for holiness, it's not a failure. It's not a setback. Rather, it's an indication that I need to do some praying. Finding a few leaves tracked into my living room does not mean I am a failure as a housekeeper. It's not cause for tears, recriminations or tantrums. It just means I need to get out the vacuum. Sins are like dirt: they just keep appearing, somehow. So, we just need to keep sweeping them out.

One more small sidenote: Something I've noticed from reading the Lives of the Saints is how detached they were from worldly cares. I don't mean material goods or other things of that nature. I mean actual cares: what people think of them, what's going on in the world, what's happening to them, etc. This isn't to say that they didn't have a deep and abiding compassion for the unfortunate, only that they put things in their proper perspective. This world will pass away. God's kingdom lasts forever. And the Saints had achieved such a union with the Almighty that they simply couldn't give worldly things too much importance. I think if I ever want to get to the point where I am able to read the news or discuss politics and theology with my friends and family, I will first need to develop a closeness with God that puts this world and all the things in it into its proper place.

That room in my soul where I get totally worked up over someone's differing opinion? Yeah. It needs some work.

Picture credit.

At least the answer is clear...

2009-10-27T17:22:00.008-07:00

The door has been shut on the adoption issue. Worried about cost and the untrustworthiness of international governments, I had looked into fost-adopt domestically. It wasn't ideal for me, particularly the long vetting process and invasive government check-ups, but I was willing to go through it.

However, my husband has made it clear that there is no circumstance under which he'd be willing to adopt a child.

So it appears that it is not God's will for us to help children in this way. As always, it's so difficult to adjust my thinking and my expectations. In my mind I keep thinking, "But I WANT this. Why can't I have it?"

Obviously, that's not the right attitude.

In recent news, a friend of mine has just broken off her engagement with her boyfriend of four years because she wants to "be with other people." As much as I think she's making a terrible mistake (and compounding it with a bunch of sins) I also kind of envy her. There's something so appealing in the idea that if you're not perfectly happy in any given situation, you just change the situation until you get what you want.

In that scenario, though, there's no growth. There's no gaining in humility from letting go of your way in favor of another's. There's no strengthening of will from sticking with something even when it's unpleasant.

I know that to my friend, my bowing to God on this issue is perceived as giving up and letting my husband win. It may feel like that in my more petulant moods, but in my heart I know better.

If God really wanted this for us, He would not have it negatively impact my primary vocation as a wife and mother. In this, at least, I can feel peace. It is not the right time. It may never be the right time. Even though it is a good and right thing I wish to do, God does not wish me to do it.

St. Frances of Rome can hear me on this one. She wanted to be a nun but her family promised her in marriage to a nobleman instead. Crying and begging God to stop the marriage, she was asked by her confessor, "Are you crying because you want to do God's will or because you want God to do yours?"

Thy will be done, Lord. Thine alone.

Wow

2009-10-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

I mean...wow. Homeschooling is just SO much more difficult than I imagined it would be. I've been by turns frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted, out of control, despondent, and incensed. You notice that none of these adjectives are conducive to rearing a small child with love and gentleness. My naive visions of sitting side by side with my rapt 6 year old son and pointing gleefully at pictures of mummies or sharks while he asked eager questions has been replaced by memories of sullen, pouting expressions and statements like, "I am NOT. Going to do it." or "This is SOOOOO boring! I want to go to Grandmas! NOW!" Both those statements, by the way, were uttered while on a Friday Field Trip to Dinosaur Ridge, where you can touch fossils (he refused to do so) and track an Iguanadon and its baby moving across a streambed in fossilized footprints. SO COOL. Or it should have been.

*Sigh*

So this is the point where I grow smaller and let God grow bigger through me, right? This is where I learn to let go of my controlling nature and allow my son to explore the world at his own page. I mean, that's a large reason why I'm homeschooling in the first place -- I don't want my child forced to learn about Rome when he's fascinated with the Huns of ancient China. Do the Huns when he wants to do them, and come back to Rome some other time. If he wants to do six pages of math today, great. If he wants to do none, we'll just play an addition game instead.

So why is it that whenever he digs in his heels, I dig mine in even further?

I think it's the expectations that I'm putting on him. I have to keep reminding myself that we have the whole year...we don't need to reach our goals of discipline and retention overnight. I am also repeating to myself a heck of a lot, "Let go. Let go. Be flexible!"

Part of the problem is that nothing I can do schoolwise is more interesting to him than free time. Whenever I can, I capitalize on the things he's interested in so that the schoolwork is at least appealing on that level. But even writing "Superman is so awesome, he is the best superhero, he can see through anything and fly" is not more fun than dressing up as Superman and zooming around the house screaming and making whooshing noises. It is more fun than writing "AaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAa God Alone," but it's still writing.

The thing is, he does have to do work sometimes. Our fights aren't necessarily about him not being able to do the work, or of feeling that it's pointless or boring. It's because he doesn't want to do anything, ever, that I ask him to do. Even projects that he is interested in, like making a Jabberwocky mask out of paper mache for a play we're putting on, can't compete with lying on the couch. I don't at all mind stopping his piano lessons and letting him just pick out the notes of songs he wants to play, or of spending six weeks instead of three on prehistoric dinosaurs and paleontology because he finds it interesting, or of letting him color printed pictures rather than drawing them if he hates drawing, but I am not okay with letting him do nothing all day long.

As always, my problem is figuring out when to be flexible and when to insist on something because it's important. I personally feel that setting aside time each day for schoolwork is important. Within that time frame I can be flexible: we can start with math or start with reading, we can take frequent breaks, we can interrupt one lesson to dabble a bit in something else, or whatever. But certain things MUST be done.

I have also been receiving diverse and frequent indications that order and discipline need to be my primary focus right now. Not simply for my school day or for my son, but for myself as well. I have been very successful at keeping to my schedule of late, mostly because my life is so full that any deviation invites immediate disaster. This doesn't mean that I'm disciplined, though. It just means that I'm scheduled. Discipline means getting up when the alarm goes off. It means actually reading my theology meditation instead of thinking aimless thoughts about where the day went wrong. It means refusing to answer the phone during school hours, even if it's my mom or my sister on the other end. It means maintaining a calm spirit when I am frustrated or overwhelmed.

Discipline for my son means doing his work carefully when he's asked to do it and separating his desires from his duties. I've made him a "character" chart with (of course) Superman flying high at the top. Whenever he shows fortitude, prudence, justice, or temperance, he gets to put a small sticker on the chart. As the four columns rise up like the towering skyscrapers of Metropolis, he will get closer and closer to Superman, that paragon of virtue and model of self-control (well, as long as you limit your canon to the pre-1960 comics and TV series and ignore all the movies.) Sometimes it serves to motivate him when he really wants to quit a page of math. Sometimes it doesn't. But at least it's a goal. And as I'm trying to remind myself: it doesn't need to happen overnight.

That goes for myself as well. I won't magically become super-homeschooling-mom simply because I've started homeschooling. This is as much a learning process for me as it is for my son. Self-improvement is a lifelong, never-ending journey, and God will keep working to change me until I die. Brandon Heath has a great song about this, with the refrain:

There is hope for me yet,
Because God won't forget
All the plans he's made for me.
I'll have to wait and see.
He's not finished with me yet.

Actually, if you're Catholic you believe that He works on you after death, too, sort of. That's what Purgatory is, right? A final stage of refinement to complete the change from flawed human to pure soul bound for eternity with God. Change isn't easy. Actually, nothing that's worth doing is easy. So in that sense, I'm grateful for this trial. But I'm also hoping my son and I come to some sort of resolution soon. 'Cause this is pretty tough.

Intentions for October

2009-10-06T10:38:00.003-07:00

The Intentions of the Holy Father for the month of October are:

General: That Sunday may be lived as the day on which Christians gather to celebrate the risen Lord, participating in the Eucharist.

Mission: That the entire People of God, to whom Christ entrusted the mandate to go and preach the Gospel to every creature, may eagerly assume their own missionary responsibility and consider it the highest service they can offer humanity.

May we concentrate this month on truly living out our Sunday sabbath: making it the Lord's day and committing those hours in a special way to Him. May we, with zeal and energy, live our faith in an outward fashion and share it with everyone we meet.

For our family, we will be making Sunday night dinners special by lighting a candle and praying that the faith may become more and more widespread, as well as faithfully practiced.

All of the Pope's Intentions for the calendar year can be found here.

2009-10-04T18:55:00.002-07:00

One of my favorite Bible verses is today's Bible Verse of the Day:

Bible Verse Of The Day

Saturday, October 3, 2009

__________________________

— 1 John 4:7-11 —

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Bookmark http://www.lehrmangroup.com/verse/ to get a quote every day.

Menu Plan Monday

2009-09-07T07:52:00.006-07:00

Laura at I'm an Organizing Junkie runs a weekly meal planning link fest. I've been meaning to do this for ages and Lo! a Monday with a bit of extra time appears. So here's our meal plan for this week. Anytime you see zucchini or eggplant, it's from my garden. *beams* Items that are in italics are already prepared (I try to cook double and freeze whenever possible.)

Monday (Labor Day)
Lunch: lentil-chorizo stew and chile cornbread
Dinner: burgers, sweet potato fries, fried zucchini and pickled asparagus

Tuesday
Spanish Beans and Rice (Slow-cooker)

Wednesday
South Beach meatloaf, mashed cauliflower and spinach salad

Thursday
Bulghur and lentil stuffed eggplant (Slow-cooker)

Friday
Zucchini slice

Saturday
Lunch: Spaghetti with wilted spinach
Dinner: Tamale pie

Sunday
Lunch: Leftovers
Dinner: Tuna Casserole with Spinach

Shopping list: whole wheat buns, brown rice, lentils, eggs, ginger, onions, kidney beans, cornmeal, sour cream, 2 gallons milk, cauliflower

On hand in fridge or pantry: zucchini, spinach, pasta, canned tomatoes, tomato paste, tamari, garlic, eggplant, ground beef, bulghur, pinto beans, frozen corn, tuna, butter, chiles, sweet potatoes, red peppers, cheddar cheese, carrots, pine nuts, pecans, maple syrup, and spices

Turning Annoyances into Opportunities

2009-09-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

The vacation is over. (sigh) I came home to a disgusting house where nothing was in the right place and a long to-do list of doctor's appointments, paperwork, errands and organizing that needed to be done STAT. My husband was so wonderful in my absence and got an amazing amount of work done. He painted the whole basement, tore up the old carpet, and sealed and primed the floor for the new laminate that we had a contractor put down the day after I arrived back. He also moved the incredibly heavy wood furniture that I found on sale at a thrift store and bought the day I left for my vacation. It's all in our bedroom looking lovely.

Of course, all this work meant that things which normally stayed in the basement out of sight or in our bedroom holding our clothes were now all over the house, taking up space and inviting the kids to mess with them. Trying to clean and get back into the swing of things with everything so chaotic really stressed me out. This sort of situation is the worst for my temperament. I get very focused on a task and if I am interrupted (as I constantly am by my two children, or the phone, or whatever) my visceral response is anger. I need to consciously work to overcome that anger and deal with the new situation, which is exhausting for me. I am also very easily discouraged and a perfectionist, which means that I set ridiculously high goals for myself and then am thrown into a depression when I'm unable to meet them the way I want to.

Since learning about my temperament, I've been consciously focusing on seeing my emotional reactions for what they are. Rather than letting myself become angry or depressed when I am confronted with challenges, I need to use them to grow closer to God.

Two good examples of this from last week helped me to realize what God is calling me to do. On Tuesday morning our neighbor's dog got run over by a car. Since I saw the accident and knew who owned the dog, I rushed to their house to let them know. Unforunately, it was first thing in the morning and I was still in my nightgown, so I didn't linger in the street to express my sorrow. I ran back inside and by the time I was changed the owner was removing the dog from the street and heading back into their house. I wanted to express my condolences, so I tried to bake them some zucchini bread. I say "tried" because it didn't work out. The bread came out overdone, as it almost always does because I STILL have not figured out how to bake at high altitude (even though I was using a HIGH ALTITUDE COOKBOOK. Ahem.)

My personality took over at this point. Overcome with disappointment that my nice gesture had failed, I sadly ate the bread myself and did nothing for my neighbor. Now, I know I could have used the opportunity for something. Humility, perhaps, in giving a less-than-perfect loaf of bread to the neighbors. Patience, by baking another loaf. Flexibility (which is a virtue, even though it's not usually listed,) by writing out a condolence card and putting that in their mailbox. After all, they didn't NEED zucchini bread to know that I was thinking of them. But I didn't do any of that.

I have been observing lately how often I allow my temperament to control my actions. While I can't change who I am, I can be a better me. I must not allow myself to be ruled by my impulses. I need to master them. It's all part of the greater goal I have for spiritual discipline and going outside my comfort zone to do God's will.

If the first example shows me where I am deficient in my deeds, the second shows me that I am also deficient in my thoughts. Because I want to keep this blog somewhat free of politics I won't go into a long explanation of what has bothered me these past few weeks. Suffice it to say I am not always impressed with other people's opinions or the way they choose to express them. So that, often, when I encounter an abundance of vitriol about a particular issue, my reaction is to turn away from the entire discussion and stick my head in the sand. I give up, not only on the discussion, but sometimes on the person themselves.

Giving up is not in God's plan. But I've been wondering if He is leading me to silence and prayer rather than dialogue and debate. The fact is, I am good at expressing myself, but I am not good at rhetoric. I am too emotionally involved in the issues to discuss them rationally and reasonably. I'm inclined to consider this a strength: I am passionate in my beliefs. My natural inclination is to engage, engage, engage on issues I believe in, but my temperament means that this activity all too often tempts me into judgment and despair.

I feel God is challenging me to give up my way of engaging an opposing viewpoint and instead turn to prayer -- silent, personal, active prayer. When next I encounter a viewpoint or argument that makes me clench my fists and gnash my teeth and consider a witty, hateful status update on Facebook, I need instead to bring my palms together gently, fall upon my knees and pray for peace, kindness, compassion, justice, wisdom, courage, and love. What a beautiful response to being annoyed!

Accountability Analysis
Week of August 30th
Working on: Organizing house for start of homeschool, cleaning, meeting requirements for all activities
Successes: healthy eating, consistent outdoor playtime, all requirements for activities met!
Challenges: finding time for prayer, keeping my temper
Average daily HOS: 0

Week of September 7
Working on: establishing Rule and routine for school year, turning to God when annoyed

Picture credit.

Can Food Be Simplified?

2009-08-12T14:26:00.001-07:00

One of my goals as a radical steward is to cultivate a life of simplicity. I don't want to get bogged down with material possessions, over-scheduled with unnecessary activities, that sort of thing. I also don't want to be over-thinking every decision and spending hours on the internet researching other people's opinions and viewpoints.

That's why it's a bit ironic that this post on making sense of the food debates has taken me four days to put together. I'm trying to simplify here, not confuse myself further!

From organic vegetables and superfoods to modern agriculture and Federal oversight, from milk to meat and back again, food is a national conversation. Everyone has an opinion, but no one really agrees. There is some consensus on a few key points, however, and the laws of nature and science aren't being altered no matter how strongly people try!

1. Make food important, but strive for balance. Many Americans are actually malnourished even though our country is suffering from an obesity epidemic because processed foods are devoid of essential nutrients. The amount of food we eat, the way we grow it, and the trade relations we have with other countries affect people's lives on a global level. Food is important. We need to pay attention to it. But, we must not let it not become an obsession or a form of control. We must do the best we can in our individual situations, and let go of the rest. Neither the quest for perfect health nor the desire to promote a fairer standard of food production should ever overshadow our quest for holiness or our ability to create meaningful relationships with our fellow man.

2. Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. This is Michael Pollan's advice and it is one of the best ways to ensure you are eating what God intended. "Food" means anything that is recognizable as such. Nothing with day-glo colors, like blue oatmeal, or things that are processed past resemblance to their original state, like corn syrup or soy protein granules. Don't overeat, or eat simply for something to do. Try a bread and water fast to determine how little we really need to eat in order to get through the day. If we feel the need to snack on something, we should make a cup of tea or get a glass or water, and offer up our hunger pangs for the less fortunate. Plants should form the foundation of our diet. Occasional meat is good (the sick, pregnant, the very young and the very old probably need meat every day,) some fish is beneficial, but we can get every single thing we need from the vegetable kingdom, with the addition of a few animal proteins like eggs.

3. Avoid additives and processed foods. We always seem to have a scapegoat to blame for our unhealthy conditions. First it was salt, then fat, then sugar, and now carbs. The truth is, all those things are bad for you in excess, but they are also all part of the natural foods God intended us to eat. This article on sugar does a great job discounting some of the myths and presenting the facts in a scientific and complete manner.

To summarize: your body breaks down the food you eat by extracting all usable vitamins and minerals and converting the rest into glucose, a simple sugar. Your liver then converts that glucose into energy or fat depending on your body's needs. Refined sugars and simple carbs, however, are already broken down into their simplest component and stripped of vitamins, so instead of nourishing your body, they are either converted directly into excess fat, or worse, quickly enter your bloodstream and mess with your blood sugar levels. The problem is not with sugar or starches, per se; it's with foods that have unhealthy amounts of these ingredients, or that are made from ingredients that have been overprocessed, stripped of their natural vitamins, minerals, and fiber and reduced to nothing more than empty calories. Besides being a ridiculous waste, it's incredibly unhealthy.

The biggest perpetrators of such food crimes? Packaged goods and ready-made meals. And these foods also tend to contain the largest amounts of trans fats because hydrogenation gives oils a longer shelf-life. One piece of advice I received years ago has made the most difference for me in my attempt to avoid sugar, additives and simple carbs: Shop the outside edge of the supermarket. On the edge is where you find meats, produce, and dairy items, which should make up the bulk of your diet. Enter the aisles only for goods in raw form (whole wheat flour rather than box mixes) or for canned goods that say "low sodium." Buy fresh whenever possible, make it at home rather than getting it from a store, and drink only milk, water or tea (and beneficial alcohols like red wine.)

I am very easily frustrated when faced with too many sides to explore. It's so easy to get lost and discouraged, but it doesn't have to be so complicated. Sometimes simplifying means turning off the outside noise and just getting back to what we know works. Cooking a meal for your family using whole, natural ingredients, and then sitting down together to eat. What could be simpler than that?

Photo credit.

Seeing Things Clearly

2009-08-05T08:17:00.002-07:00

I had LASIK eye surgery a couple weeks ago. My mother gifted it to me on my 30th birthday, but since I was a brand new mother (my youngest was only a week old at that time!) I wanted to wait until I didn't have a tiny being completely dependent upon me for sustenance before I went through the surgery. Two years went by, and my mom finally got on my case to get the surgery done, even offering to come stay with me for a week and help me out as I convalesced. (Not that it takes a week, but hey, if she's making the trip she may as well stick around and spend some quality time with the kids.)
Before I scheduled the surgery, I read up on the procedure and the center where I was having it done. I felt very confident in my doctor and his skills (he's probably the best LASIK surgeon in Colorado and has even developed a laser of his own design.) Everyone I spoke with was both kind and knowledgeable, allaying any concerns I had about the procedure itself or my suitability for it.

That didn't stop me from having nightmares as the surgery loomed, or lying awake with vague fears of losing my sight all together and never seeing my daughter in her prom dress, developing an infection that might cause me to lose an eye, or some other equally rare and unlikely disaster.

I turned to my husband for support one night, as we were getting ready for bed, asking him how he felt about my upcoming surgery. He admitted that he was nervous about the procedure and had some trepidation about how it would all turn out. I was like...ummmm...are you not aware you are supposed to be a rock upon which I can build a fortress of emotional security? You are not allowed to feel nervousness about this!

Which brought me to the realization I should have had from the start: I need to rely on God alone. My husband, amazing man though he is, cannot save me from fears or suffering. Only God can turn my tears into dancing.

That night I had a dream where I died. It's the way of dreams that you don't know at the time that things aren't real. Everything feels real, feels as though it's truly happening. When my group discovered that the Enterprise wasn't going to rescue us and the planet we were on was about to explode, I truly in that moment felt the overpowering panic that I would have in any situation where there was no escape. (Yes, yes, I know. Star Trek dreams belie a deep and abiding nerdiness that can't be disguised. Anyway.) I clearly remember standing there, watching the sky-high ball of flame rushing toward me and knowing it was beyond impossible to survive what was coming. So I didn't bother with fear. I just accepted it and turned my thoughts to Jesus. The flames rushed in and bright light blinded me. I reached out my arms, smiling, peace enfolding me, and looked for my Savior.

I opened my eyes to darkness and crushing disappointment. I wasn't dead, after all. I was just dreaming.

Turns out, the surgery wasn't easy for me at all. I prayed the Hail Mary over and over to get through it, and spent three times as long in recovery as everyone else that day. But it all turned out well: my vision is 20/18 and my eyes are healing nicely. I didn't even really think about the dream while I was on the table or in recovery, but I've put the two together since then. What I struggle with most in this life is trust. Trust in God, in others, in myself, too. The dream was showing me that whenever I am faced with a problem, while the outcome may not be what I wanted, if I turn to God I will find happiness in it.

I've been pondering how this relates to my attempts to discern God's will for my life. In a profound way, it brings me comfort. The details of my future aren't important. What's important is that I turn to God and make Him the center of anything I do. Most importantly, though, it reminds me that things are not all up to me. I didn't want to be blind any more than I wanted to be on an exploding planet, but either way, it's God alone in whom I should place my trust. No one else has the power to save me.

When I think about the dream now, I don't feel any of the lingering fear a nightmare usually evokes. What I most remember is the joy and expectation I felt peering through the white light trying to see God. John writes of heaven:

Nothing accursed will be found there anymore. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him.

They will look upon his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.

Night will be no more, nor will they need light from lamp or sun, for the Lord God shall give them light, and they shall reign forever and ever. --Revelation 22:3-5

Amen, Lord Jesus!

Picture credit.

2009-08-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm writing from my vacation up north in Michigan. My in-laws have a house right on the lake in a little village that used to be a thriving lumber town before the turn of the century. It's just south of Sleeping Bear Dunes and part of the National Lakeshore, which makes it a truly remarkable place with views that bring peace into your soul. Today the lake is extremely windy and agitated. From inside, through a window and while sitting in a patch of sunlight, the lake is lovely. Trying to sit on the beach, though, would be totally miserable.

If I thought about it long enough, I feel like I could come up with some cool metaphor linking the beauty of a windy lake from inside the security of a warm log house with the beneficence of faith sheltering me from the winds of circumstance or something, but you know what? I am on vacation and I just don't have the brainpower! Sorry...

Since I am away from home (and on vacation, have I mentioned that?) I am relaxing my Rule in terms of keeping on schedule. I do have several guidelines for my month up here, though.

(Those of you with kids can read these like the Genie from Aladdin)
Rule #1! I can't completely let go of my prayer life. At a minimum, I want to drag the kids to Mass on Sunday for one hour of absolutely hellish aggravation that makes me question my decision to raise my children as Catholics, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy daily for my parents, say one decade of the Rosary for the intentions of the Rosary Crusade each night, and offer each morning to Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary.

Rule #2! I can't overindulge myself. I can have pie, ONCE a day. I can have ice cream, on a day I DON'T eat pie. Just because my in-laws are generous, fun-loving people does not mean I can take advantage of their munificence and get a new outfit every time we walk around the downtown. It's not a bad idea to keep some level of discipline going with the kids, too. One new toy per outing is PLENTY.

Rule #3! I can't pawn off my children entirely on their grandparents and spend the day blogging...oops. No, seriously. Doob Time and Gin Time need to be preserved. 1/2 an hour a day for each child, concrete, one-on-one activities that they choose. It really is too easy up here to let Grandma and Grandpa entertain them all day. Especially because all four of them enjoy that time so much.

So there you have it. Minimum standards for vacation. I have additional goals of setting out my curriculum plan to begin Homeschooling the Doob when we return, and possibly finishing Pope Benedict XVI's latest encyclical, of which I am 1/2 way through. There's also a book on the 1967 Arab-Israeli war that's caught my attention, and possibly something on Northern Michigan flora and fauna...but more likely I will spend my evenings chatting with my in-laws and watching what passes for news up here. Last night's Top Story: the weather forecast. I kid you not. We are all on vacation up here, I guess!

God Bless you all.

Picture credit.

7 Quick Takes Friday

2009-07-24T16:23:00.004-07:00

I don't usually do these, but today I have a few small things I'd like to post.

1. A little goes a long way. I discovered today that I have a rather inflated reputation for knowledge of Catholic traditions among my Mom's group at Church. This is highly embarrassing for me, because it stems from my nerdy proclivity to shout out all the answers during class. Like when the Deacon is searching for the name of the saint that chose to die for her unborn child, I can't seem to help myself from yelling out "Gianna Molla!" This is actually a fault of mine I'm trying to curb (see my Lenten promise to let go of my opinion) but I'm somewhat comforted that my friends seem to see me as a source of information rather than an opinionated know-it-all.

2. Thank God for my Rosary. I had LASIK eye surgery on Wednesday. It did not go well. Oh the surgery itself was phenomenal; I can now see with almost 20/20 vision and expect to develop even greater clarity as time goes on and my corneal swelling goes down. But I had a severe panic attack as soon as the laser touched my eye. Two nurses had to hold me down while I mouthed the Hail Mary over and over again. Afterwards, I couldn't stop violently shaking, so hard they couldn't get a blood pressure reading on me. So I asked for my Rosary. And the moment it touched my hands I stopped shaking and felt peace. It still took me 5 decades before I was calm enough to open my eyes and go home, but I felt the Holy Spirit from that first instant. Unbelievers will chalk it up to the power of my own mind, I'm sure. I know better.

3. We're dogsitting. I hate dogs. My opinion has not been changed in the slightest with the addition of this creature to my household. Apologies in advance to all those who love dogs, but they are disgusting, slobbering, smelly things. If I wanted to clean up poop every day, I'd just stop putting my toddler in diapers. However, one of the ladies I volunteer with needed me to watch her Chihuahua puppy, so I am doing this for her. Today was supposed to be the end of it, but she called and asked me to extend till Tuesday. In my mind I said, "What? Forget it! I have barely been hanging on, expecting that this ordeal would end this afternoon, and now you want me to double my committment?" Needless to say, I am getting lots of practice with sacrificial love.

4. Ask and ye shall receive. I have been asking God for guidance in regards to my parents' marriage. This week He gave 100% clear instructions. We are now confident about the path He wishes us to tread, and though it will be difficult, I'm grateful for the answer.

5. The Bagpipe Didn't Say No. I've been occasionally bringing up the subject of adding to our family whenever it happens naturally in conversation. My husband's reaction can be summed up in one word: "Eh." More children are not on his wishlist, but he doesn't feel strongly enough to prevent more. So we've decided to start being open to life at the beginning of next year. Personally, I'd love to conceive tomorrow, but given that my pregnancies require the active participation of every member of the family, it's really more considerate if we wait until a less hectic season of the year. Also, I want some time to let God speak to me and assure me that giving up on adoption for now really is His will. I welcome any prayers you can give me on this.

6. Get the Right Tool for the Right Job. Ever since Wimbledon, my son has been an avid tennis player. Federer has inspired him, so we are on the courts at least once every day, sometimes more than that. Yesterday my mom took us to the sporting goods store and we got a tennis ball hopper. Man, what a difference that makes! My back is no longer begging me for mercy and my son's aim is really improving.

7. It takes a family. My husband has been out of town these two days. I've hardly noticed. Of course, I miss him, and it's lonely to sleep in that huge bed all by myself, but with my mom here I haven't lacked for company or assistance even for a minute. While cooking dinner together the other night, I realized what beauty we're missing with our society's single-family dwellings. The same house might be uncomfortably close sometimes, but there's no substitute for extended-family togetherness, especially when it comes to the daily domestic tasks that can be so tiresome and frustrating. Sharing the job doesn't just lighten the work load, it lightens the heart, too.

Looking Beyond "Can't"

2009-07-19T17:20:00.002-07:00

I'm working on figuring out a private budget based on a 10% tithe. I've been so frustrated and bewildered by how on earth I can possibly save enough money for a tithe when, based on the arrangement we have for giving to charity, only a quarter of what I save will actually go to the Church (the rest is for savings and my husbands charities.) When I figured it out, (and it's very possible my math is wrong here) I'd have to save more than I spend. I honestly can't do it; it's not a matter of better budgeting. It's just impossible.

But I think perhaps I've been going about it backwards. I don't need to actually put that amount of money into the Parish envelope each month. I don't even have to actually save that amount. What I need to do is develop a lifestyle with the tithe at the base so that we live at a Godly means.

Instead of thinking, "I just can't do it," I must think, "What can I do?" If lowering my food budget by $100 a month gets me closer to that tithe, then that's something I can do. If buying a duvet cover instead of a new comforter for the guest room gets me closer to a thithe, then that's something I can do, too. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by my limitations, I need to concentrate instead on the small things I can do on my journey to full stewardship.

That mantra has hit home in a big way in regards to a family situation I'm encountering. Right now I am boiling over with indignation and my gut instinct is to cut off all communication with this one family member. Permanently. When I think about the Christian commandment to show love and compassion, I think, "I just CAN'T do it!" I absolutely cannot love this person now. Can. Not. Do. It.

So, what can I do?

1. I can pray for them.
I don't want to. This person has caused extreme suffering to those I love, entirely through their own weakness, selfishness, and poor choices. I'd rather pray for the soul of Natalia Estemirova and the situation in Chechnya. There are people dying from hunger who better deserve my prayers. My friend with four children and one on the way is moving this week and needs my prayers, as does another friend who's been trying to conceive for years, and another friend whose husband may quit his job. I'd like to pray for my online friends, whose situations are no less dear to me despite our never having met in person.

Unfortunately, I'm not a Carmelite. So I can't pray for everything I want to and also be present with my family. Wouldn't my prayers be better spent on someone who deserves it?

Short answer: no. Though that's how I feel, I know it's not the way God works. And it's a darn good thing He's rather more merciful than I, or we'd all be in a boat-load of trouble.

2. I can be kind to them.
There's no need to write angry emails. There's no need to trash them verbally in front of my kids or the rest of the family. I don't think I'll be able to have a conversation over the phone or anything, but if the situation comes up I can simply say, "Now is not a good time. I'll have to get back to you."

That's enough to start on, I think. Anything else seems beyond me right now. I can pray for guidance, wisdom and the intervention of the Holy Spirit for myself, as I've been doing. And in the meantime I can concentrate on eating down my pantry, because with this new budget it looks like my grocery shopping is pretty much done for the month except for milk, bananas and grapes. It's not at all a problem, though. Thanks to Costco I could probably feed six people on corn chips alone!

God Bless.

Photo credit.

Coming up for Air

2009-07-15T13:15:00.003-07:00

My dad's 2-week visit ended this morning; I have one week before my mom comes to stay with us for 5 days. I'm just planning to spend this week running errands and getting back on schedule, as it's not practical to follow my Rule to the letter when I have guests.

In all, we had a nice visit. The Holy Spirit afforded me the opportunity to talk candidly with my dad about the Church's position on Christian marriage. If any fruits come from that talk, it will be all the doing of the Lord. I continue to pray for His guidance in my life and those of my parents, and for the Holy Spirit to come into every conversation I have with either of them.

Accountability Analysis
Weeks of June 28 and July 5th
Working on: Organizing house for Dad's visit and maintaining spirit of humility and love
Successes: Kindness and charity to family members, lots of quality time with kids and husband, good housekeeping
Challenges: stubbornness
Average daily HOS: 1

Week of July 12
Working on: routine and prayer times

Pizza Night

2009-07-02T20:11:00.003-07:00

I love pizza. L.O.V.E. love it, and I don't care if it's full of carbs, or fat, or whatever, I like it and I want to eat it often. However, I do not like bad pizza...the greasy, limp, cardboard kind with tangy sauce and canned toppings and way too much salt. So I'm constantly on the quest for good pizza. We've found a place here in Denver that might have the awesomest pizza known to man. Beau Jos. They're historic, green, community minded, and about as healthy as pizza can get, plus their pies are heavenly.

However, their prices are just not at a level that allows us to eat there once a week, which is what we'd do if I had my druthers.

So I've been working on perfecting pizza night at our house. The kids get really into it, and I am blessed with a husband who eats whatever I put in front of him, so I don't have to worry too much about experimenting.

Tonight I made a pesto pizza with feta, tomato, Kalamata olives and red onion, a regular pizza with mushrooms and spinach, and individual cheese pizzas for the kids. At Christmas last year I bought my son a set of 4 individual pizza trays and a kid-sized rolling pin (isn't Montessori great?) Now he rolls out his dough, slops on the sauce and cheese, and gets to feel the pride of a master chef when he sees his creation come browned and bubbling out of the oven. My bread maker spits out PERFECT pizza dough, and the large size splits exactly into 4 mini pizzas and two medium ones for us adults. I even use 1/2 whole wheat flour and the dough is still stretchy and pliable. Plus, with the bread maker, I only need to spend about an hour in the kitchen, comparable to my normal cooking routine.

I've calculated it out, and even ignoring the benefits of making the kids ridiculously happy and avoiding for one night the dinner-table struggle to get the kids to eat, and the fun of preparing the pizzas as a family, and the satisfaction of being able to choose exactly what toppings go on it, pizza night at our house costs less than $15 (and that's with exotic ingredients like feta cheese and Kalamata olives. Without those it'd be under $10.)

I love finding the perfect spot between saving money and creating happiness. Pizza night does both.

Love, first.

2009-06-29T07:49:00.003-07:00

A 50/50 week. I made great improvement toward doing productive activities like sewing, writing, cleaning and reading to the kids, but that doesn't mean I watched any less TV. I blame Federer. How am I supposed to refrain from watching Wimbledon? The FIFA final didn't help matters either. Most of my progress only came in the latter half of the week, though.

At Mass yesterday we had a BVM sister come speak to us about her mission to people with Hansen's Disease (leprosy). She and her sisters run The Damien House in Ecuador. Our parish made a substantial gift from its funds, which, since we are a stewardship parish, came directly from the collection. Hearing her speak about the plight of these people brought me to tears, not because of their physical suffering, but because of the way they are outcasts from society. She said the name of the street upon which their hospital is built was called "La calle sin nombre." The Street Without a Name.

The first thing these sisters did when they arrived at this hospital didn't have anything to do with distributing medicine. Their first order of business was to clean: scrape moldy paint off the walls, rid the floor of rats and roaches, sanitize the kitchen so the food stayed fresh, change the linens, plant flowers...in other words, beautify the space so the patients would feel human again. I found such comfort in that, in the fact that they knew their first order of business was to create a loving atmosphere for the people they were serving. Of course, they also made sure everyone received treatment for the disease, advocated for better access to medincines, opened the doors to anyone who needed to receive care, and set up a weekly meeting where everyone could voice their opinions about the conditions in the hospital and their individual needs.

Yet it came down to love, first and foremost. Whenever I grow frustrated by the abysmally slow growth of my charity fund, God reminds me that it's not all about the benjamins. If love comes first, then a spirit of charity and forgiveness, of reaching out to everyone I meet, and of instilling a sense of compassion in my children are my first priorities. I'm still trying to save as much as I can, but family outings like going bowling or taking the kids to Cici's Pizza are acts of charity, even though they cost money, because they are building love.

Accountability Analysis
Week of June 21
Working on: Getting everyone ready by 9 am
Successes: Getting ready by 10 (hey, it's progress!), marriage-building, consistent with daily prayers
Challenges: yelling, laziness
Average daily HOS: 3

Week of June 28
Working on: Organizing house for Dad's visit

Transparency

2009-06-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

I'm noticing an increasing need for more accountability in my life. I have grand ideas and excellent intentions, but I keep falling away from the disciplines I'm setting myself. A spiritual director would be ideal for this (*wistful sigh*) but I really just can't see how that can happen. I have spoken with the Priests at my Parish and none of them do counseling (except for those discerning a vocation.) Regnum Christi provides spiritual counseling as part of its charism to those who join, but I've not received an indication that God wants me to go that route. I've heard only wonderful things about the Neocatechumenal Way, which we have at my Parish, but they are formatted in lay groups to support members' spiritual growth. I really do not need support; I need guidance. The Lanteri Center for Spirituality does do counseling, but I'm at a loss as to how to work the child care aspect as they are far away and only open during business hours. It's one of my fundamental dillemas: how to pursue my spiritual needs without overburdening my husband or our finances.

So, I've told the Lord to show me an opportunity for spiritual counseling if that's His will, and in the meantime I'm trying to go it alone.

Which is the crux of my problem. I am not independently motivated and am very, very, VERY bad at self-discipline. I need, as one dancing partner in my salsa classes once told me, "A firm hand." It's apparently true for my life as well as my dancing.

At the moment I have a daily schedule as outlined in A Mother's Rule of Life that organizes my day into activites around the 5 Ps (Prayer, Person, Partner, Parent, Provider. I add Pastorage as well, because I don't feel my volunteer time is accurately encompassed by either Prayer or Person.) It's realistic, balanced (though necessarily heavy on time with the kids and taking care of them,) but liveable. I'm not following all of it, though, because I tend to do only those things that people are asking me to do. Given that the most vocal people in my life are my children, I am excellent at tending to their needs. However, the activities that have no one advocating for them, such as afternoon prayers and sewing, have stopped entirely, and I'm watching reruns of Star Trek at night instead of reading or spending time with my husband.

I'd like to post weekly on my successes and challenges, mostly so that I have a place to look back and determine patterns in my progress, but also for the practice of reporting my efforts. If that little bit of motivation helps me to choose wisely when I'm confronted with temptation, it will be well worth the small bit of embarrassment from admitting just how much of my day is dedicated to spec-fi.

Week of: June 14
Successes: One-on-one time with kids, keeping up with laundry, sticking to budget
Challenges: Scolding and sarcasm, self-indulgences, obsessing over Star Trek
Average daily HOS (Hours On Schedule): 3

Week of: June 21
Working on: Getting everyone ready by 9 am

Star Trek Fan in Withdrawal Credit

Upcoming Encyclical

2009-06-15T09:05:00.003-07:00

I am very excited to read the Pope's newest encyclical (due out at the end of June.)

It sounds like he will be addressing the world economy and market ethics.

Freedom Does Not Mean Lawlessness

2009-06-05T11:52:00.004-07:00

In the wake of Tiller's murder, we've all seen a host of debates, comments, blogs and articles that suggest the killing is the fault of the pro-life movement. The underlying premise seems to be that people who espouse pro-life principles are hypocrites because they "only care about people until they're born" or because their inflammatory language promotes hate-crimes such as the one that killed Tiller.

Unfortunately, both of these accusations are absolutely true of some people who claim to be pro-life. They are not, however, characteristic of the vast majority, and certainly not of the pro-life movement as a whole.

The pro-life movement is committed to protecting the dignity of life in all its forms. The myriad pregnancy centers, post-abortive counseling centers, and adoption agencies demonstrate that the pro-life movement cares about moms AND their babies. In addition, the movement's consistent support for families and the poor, and its opposition to domestic violence, stem cell research, capital punishment, and euthanasia, as well as the compassion with which most protesters treat the pregnant women they encounter, illustrates a firm interest in the welfare of humanity as a whole. In the wake of the Tiller murder, almost every branch of the pro-life movement, from the Bishops of the Catholic Church and the National Right to Life, to individual bloggers and citizens, have unequivocably condemned the murder of Tiller and disavowed any sort of violence to effect their position. The very few who have spoken about their joy in his death have, in that very statement, placed themselves outside the movement.

Yet the animosity towards the pro-life position continues. Theresa Bonapartis has written an elloquent and beautiful article for Catholic Online addressing the idea of what constitues a "pro-life extremist." She writes:

When our military recruiting station was attacked this week, and Private William Long was killed and another wounded, the word terrorist was never used to describe the murderers. I have not heard Obama speaking publicly against them, or Eric Holder asking for additional security for our recruitment centers. Are the anti war demonstrators or Code Pink responsible for this act of violence?

A firm belief in the truth and a committment to pursuing it does not qualify as extremism, nor does it either promote or condone violence. Much like those who want to brand faithful Catholics as "fundamentalists" because we hold to the teachings of the Church in their entirety, this sort of blanket statement obfuscates the reality of the issue by framing it exclusively in the context of personal freedom vs. religious-based tyranny.

The crux of the argument (embodied by our President's statements on the issue) is that the decision to have an abortion is an extremely personal one, and that the only individual suited to make that decision is the woman herself. Any legislation to limit abortion would impose an outside (government sponsored) approval that should not be necessary. A woman has the right to make her own choices.

Except that she doesn't. For some reason, abortion is the ONLY circumstance in which our society believes a woman's personal beliefs should supersede the rule of law. A woman does not have the right to kill her husband if he is abusing her. A woman does not have the right to embezzle funds from her place of work if she thinks her salary is too low. A woman does not have the right to refuse to hire an African American because she believes they are dangerous. In all other cases, what the woman decides as right or wrong must fall within the boundaries of what society deems right or wrong.

Sometimes, this means the woman has to endure suffering. It means that a woman in an abusive relationship has to go to the police and fill out a detailed report and submit to photos that may cause her acute embarrassment. She may have to move to ensure her safety, uprooting her family and possibly staying for some time in a shelter. She may have to go to court, losing days of work to appear in person and file for divorce or press charges against her abuser. In some of the worst cases, she may be made the victim twice over, when the courts refuse to render a judgment that stops the abuse, or worse, when a technicality allows the abuser to come after her or her children.

Why do we put women through this, when clearly they are suffering? Why do we force them to increase their suffering rather than allowing them the more simple solution of shooting their husband in the head while he sleeps?

The answer is obvious. We force the woman to take difficult steps because those steps make our society into a civilized one where the law, not the individual, is the arbiter of justice. Even when the law fails, as it does on occasion, a woman cannot decide to pursue vigilante justice and take matters into her own hands. Despite her suffering, despite the wrongness of the situation, we still hold that the greater good is being served by having a process determine when an abusive situation is in evidence, and requiring that any punishment take place through the citizen-appointed system that exists for that purpose. We can still, as a society, show an abused woman compassion while simultaneously insisting that she submit herself to the higher authority of the law, even when that means the greatest burden of its implementation will, by nature, fall upon her.

No matter how much thought someone puts into it, no matter how difficult it is, or how wrenching, no matter how moral or thoughtful or careful a woman is, she does not have the right to make the decision whether her child lives or dies. That decision is NOT between a woman or her family and her doctor. It is God's alone, and always will be.

Photo credit.

Welcome the Stranger

2009-06-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

I've blogged before about immigration. It's a subject near and dear to my heart, as I am a first generation immigrant, and my parents are immigrants twice over (first to Australia and then to America.) My father and his family, especially, endured hatred and ostracism when they first arrived in Australia, similar to what Hispanics endure here in the US or what the Irish endured when first they arrived in the mid 1800's.

Maltese are lazy, good for nothing, Mary-worshiping thieves. Let them in your community and you'll soon see crime rise. It won't be safe. Hire a Maltese and they'll rob you blind, if they're smart enough to do the work, which most aren't. They have no manners. They take good jobs away from true Australians and pervert Australian culture with their backwards, old-European ways. They should just go back where they came from.

My dad kept his head up and his mind on his books for the most part. He graduated at the top of his class and received two degrees from the most prestigious university in his state, then went on to get his Master's. He works very hard and runs his business with integrity and compassion. If he has to fire someone, he finds them another job. He is proud of his Maltese heritage and has invested in businesses in Malta (which really I think he's done because it gives him an excuse to visit there several times a year!)

His is the face of an immigrant, a stranger. His story echoes the story of many others in his position, but it is uniquely his.

The greatest challenge in the immigration debate is to focus not on groups or ethnicities, but on the people who make up the crisis. We have to beware that we are not lumping individuals into categories and stripping them of their human dignity. And that applies to each and every person on all sides of the debate.

My bishop, God bless his wonderful soul, has recently written on this subject, with an emphasis on the biblical roots of the immigration discussion. He says in part:

We become what we do, for good or for evil. If we act and speak like bigots, that’s what we become. If we act with justice, intelligence, common sense and mercy, then we become something quite different. We become the people and the nation God intended us to be. Our country’s immigration crisis is a test of our humanity. Whether we pass it is entirely up to us.

There are several ways to approach the immigration issue in our nation. We can take an "us vs them" mentality, hold tight to that which we believe is rightfully ours, and demonize those who oppose us. We can go overboard with our pity, selectively appropriating our compassion to those who risk their lives to enter this country, and ignoring the needs of those who have always lived here. We can let our biases and wrong impressions cloud our judgment and affect our opinions. Or we can recognize our common humanity and work for programs which benefit Americans and immigrants both. These are people we're talking about when we talk about immigration. People like my father.

It is not a zero-sum game.

Photo credit.

Good Deeds

2009-04-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

As it's Lent, I've been trying to teach my son about sacrifice and the three pillars of Lent: Prayer, Fasting and Almsgiving. He has a "Good Deeds Cross" which he cut out of red construction paper. Every time he does a good deed, he gets to put a sticker on the Cross, beautifying it for Easter.

In the beginning, he was constantly saying things like, "I got my sister her water. Is that a good deed?...I got dressed when you asked me to. Was that a good deed?...I'm holding the door open for you, Mommy. Is that a good deed?" So I explained that a good deed is a little different from being nice or fulfilling your responsibilities. It requires a sacrifice. If you hold the door open for someone while you're on your way out or in, that's nice, but it's not a good deed. A good deed would be if Mommy had her hands full while you were on the couch or in the other room, and you saw that she needed help, got up and held the door for her. You have to do difficult things that you don't really want to do for the sake of others in order for it to be a good deed. If it's easy or if you're supposed to do it anyway, then it doesn't count for a sticker.

Isn't it funny how the Lord teaches us through our teaching our children? Two days after I came home from visiting my family, I was in the city and stopped for gas. While pumping, I noticed a homeless man begging on the side of the road. I was in raptures. I had $2 in my wallet and now that I have a budget for charity, I could follow my impulse and give it to him. So I walked over and said hello, asked his name and chatted with him a bit. He wanted a hug and we shared one; he patted my hair and thanked me for the money. I returned to my car just absolutely glowing with love and the warmth of human contact.

That's when it hit me: this is easy. Really, really easy. Giving a homeless man a hug and $2 cost me nothing and made me feel absolutely wonderful. I saw myself standing in front of God with my little construction paper Cross and asking "Is that a good deed?" I was reminded, sheepishly, of Isiah 64: "Would that you might meet us doing right, that we were mindful of you in our ways! Behold, you are angry, and we are sinful; all of us have become like unclean men, all our good deeds are like polluted rags."

Being nice to a stranger for two minutes is not difficult. It's not a sacrifice. It doesn't make me draw upon God for strength or challenge me to humble myself. It is absolutely a good thing to do, but it is not, as I would term it, a "good deed." It's not worthy of a sticker on my Cross.

Scripture readings this week have been reiterating the same points to me: do not fear the truth, but act always in love. I have no problem acting in love to strangers. I'm overtly kind to waitresses and grocery checkers. I always wave to construction workers. I make eye contact and smile at people I pass on the street. I'm even patient and nice to telemarketers. That stuff is easy. But I struggle with how to act with love towards my family. I am very bad about loving people when they mock the principles I hold dearest. I find it hard to be nice to family members who treat others with disdain or cruelty. I frequently fail to keep my tone sweet when talking to my children, or hold my temper when they act contrarily or make constant demands.

I have been praying a Litany of Humility daily to remind myself that I must do things not for the way they make me feel, but for love of God and a sincere desire to please Him.

Oh Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred,
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,
deliver me Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated,
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,
deliver me Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
Jesus grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should,
Jesus grant me the grace to desire it. AMEN

Just a note: my trip to visit family was probably the best one I've ever had. Most of that wasn't my doing. There really weren't any situations that taxed my patience or made me uncomfortable. Everyone was happy, nice, relaxed and considerate the whole time. But I felt different while I was there. I didn't feel pressure to DO anything or say the exact right thing that might fix all the problems. I just concentrated on being loving and quiet. That didn't mean I never said a thing; but I never had an agenda, if that makes sense. If it weren't for the plane trips next to a squealing, flailing, grabbing, whining, demanding, fussing, peeing, spilling, toy-flinging toddler, it would have been the perfect vacation!

Working towards humility

2009-03-20T13:20:00.004-07:00

My Lenten observance this year is difficult to define and even more difficult to put into practice. I'm trying to give up attachment to my opinion. As with every sacrifice I make, it seems to underscore just how often I indulge myself.

At first I struggled with how to talk to people (family especially.) A conversation does not consist of one person sharing while the other makes noncommittal "listening noises." (Well, not real conversations anyway!) Nor can I simply phrase my opinion as a leading question, "Aren't you worried about the ethics of that course of action?" is just a fancy way of saying, "I don't think what you're doing is right." So I've been trying very hard to strike a balance that doesn't leave me nodding along or repeating whatever has just been said to me, but that lets the other person lead the conversation and elevates their thoughts above my own.

The exception to this comes in cases where matters of theology or virtue are at stake. I consider it my duty to voice my opinion to defend the Church, for instance, or provide a counter to the destructive viewpoints of the pro-choice, anti-God movements I encounter in my daily life. To be silent here, to fail to vigorously defend the position of Truth, is a missed opportunity to draw others into deeper reflection of the issues. But since it's not really my opinion (it is the Truth) I feel confident God does not want me to refrain from sharing.

I feel that God has been speaking to me lately, though, and saying something that I don't like to hear. "Your way is not My way." I feel a bit like Peter must have when he protested that Jesus could never fall into the hands of His enemies, and Christ rebukes him with "Get behind me, Satan!" I remember when my sister was in college and we were on the phone together, at one point in the conversation she interrupted me and said, "I don't need to you defend me to mom and dad. I can speak my own mind." As an older sister, I had been interfering and attempting to protect her from getting into trouble. But she was telling me that doing so was actually harming her, because instead of viewing her as a unique person with the ability to make her own choices and express herself, I was relegating her to the position of a small child that had no individual autonomy.

Lesson learned. I didn't defend her again, and she has proven herself to be quite a different person, one who has the courage of her own convictions and is proud of the way she lives her life.

There's something of the same feeling within me as I'm listening to God, and a strong confusion as to how I change. I am an interfering busybody. Period. I have always been this way. It stems from my desire to be helpful, but what it actually is is a form of narcissism. I can do it best, these people need me, I have to wade in and solve this problem. If only they would just listen to the wisdom I have to share, things would be so much better.

It's precisely this quality that annoys me in other people, and yet I am now very clearly seeing that I do it, too. (Isn't that what they say, that you dislike the qualities in other people that remind you of yourself?) It's the reason why I chose silence as my Lenten sacrifice, because the hardest thing in the world for me to do is NOT speak when I have something to say.

It's really coming home to me in a major way right now, because my parents' marriage is completely falling apart. Communication is nonexistent, people are talking about the D-word, lawyers are being consulted and finances are being split.

My brain is screaming at me to get my parents on the phone and tell them exactly what I think they need to do to save their marriage. I would say it lovingly, of course. My brain really and truly thinks this is a good idea, because they "needs to hear it."

My heart and my Lenten promise say otherwise. In speaking with friends about the issue, their wisdom is shining through: this is not my place, this is not my fight. My parents are autonomous adults who must come to their own decisions.

I am about to get on a plane and spend a week there with the kids. I cannot convey to you the fear and dread that is upon me at the thought. I am weak. Weak weak weak weak weak and undisciplined. I know I am entirely ill-equipped for this challenge God has placed before me. And that is the crux of humility. I must acknowledge that I cannot do this. Only God can do this within me.

I want to fulfill my Lenten promise. And even more, I want to grow in humility, recognizing that my thoughts do not need to be shared and that my role in life is not mediatrix extraordinaire. God does not need me to fix my parents marriage. If God is going to heal my parents marriage, He will do it without me. He will certainly have an easier time of it if I refrain from insulting my parents by forcing my opinion upon them.

It will not be easy for me to stay uninvolved. In fact, it may be impossible. My open, honest, European parents hide nothing from me. Nor have I ever been able to hide anything from their direct and deliberate questions.

I have been praying for them every day. I need to be praying for myself as well: praying that I will be humble and small, quiet and noninterfering, that I will allow God to do His own work. If anything, I think He wants me to love my parents, to show Christ's acceptance of the sinner rather than His judgment. I'm certainly not qualified to judge, anyway, with my own list of sins a mile long.

Please pray for me, and for my family.

Feast Day

2009-03-09T22:25:00.002-07:00

Today is the feast day of one of my patron Saints: St. Frances of Rome. Our presider today said a few things about her, mainly that she had been married, had three kids (two died in infancy) and upon her husband's death dedicated herself to serving the poor.

What has always resonated with me, though, is her treatment of her marriage. Married to an unbeliever, and under the authority of those who thought her values were ridiculous, she neither gave up her faith nor turned to bitterness or spite. She didn't reproach her indolent family members or grow angry with her pagan husband. Instead, she embraced their expectations for her and willingly took up the roles of mistress of the household, Roman socialite, and devoted mother. By the end of her life, she had seen numerous miracles, including those that brought about the conversion of her husband and father-in-law, and been consoled with the presence of angels and visions of heaven.

Her life speaks to me of the two truths I struggle with most.

1. God's will happens in His time.
2. I serve God best by living wholeheartedly the life I have been given.

As she once said: "A married woman must often leave God at the altar to find Him in her household care."

St. Frances of Rome, by your tremendous example, help us to be obedient to God's will, to care for the people He puts in our lives, and to persevere with hope and faith through all our sufferings. Ask that the Lord might enflame us with zeal for His work and His people, as He enflamed your soul on earth. Guide us to good habits and assist us in those tasks we most dread. In God's name, we pray. AMEN.

10 Tips for Keeping Grocery Bills Down

2009-03-02T21:29:00.001-07:00

I alluded to some of these in a previous post on living simply, but I think it's a good idea to codify some of the tips and tricks I've been using to spend less at the grocery store.

1. Carry a calculator with you.
I don't know how I'd ever stay within budget otherwise. It's just too hard to guesstimate what you're spending when you're rounding up or down to the nearest $0.50 and trying to keep the total in your head while responding to your kids' requests for whatever and telling the toddler yet again to sit down in the cart!

2. Rethink lunches.
Bread is so expensive. So are cold cuts and condiments and chips, especially if they're in those little individual packages. Forget juice boxes! If you're making your family a bagged lunch every day, shake things up a bit. Switch to salads with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dressing. Or leftovers. It's much cheaper to double your dinner and portion it out for lunches the next day than to buy separate ingredients for everyone's lunch. If you have kids at school who don't have access to a microwave for re-heating leftovers, try things like chicken salad (here's a great recipe) with crackers, or trail mix, or these oat-bars that taste like a cookie but are packed with protein and other good stuff. More ideas here.

3. Buy in bulk.
This isn't an option for everyone, but for families of more than 4 people or families with a deep freeze or second refrigerator, it can be a real budget-saver. I buy 5 pound bags of frozen fruit and use them throughout the month (blueberries in my daughter's morning oatmeal, strawberries for smoothies, peaches for cobbler, etc.) I buy an 8-pack of canned tomatoes rather than spending $1.79 per can every week. I also make use of the bulk bins at my organic grocery: brown basmati rice is only $1.79 per pound, but $3 if it's bagged on the shelf. These little savings might not seem like much, but they add up significantly over the course of the month. The only caveat: don't buy produce in bulk unless you're prepared to cook and freeze. The 10 lbs of carrots I got last December are limp and almost useless now. I'm going to make some carrot cake and some carrot soup and limit myself to the 2 lb bags in the future!

4. Do all the prep-work yourself.
This is a no-brainer. Cubed beef packaged nicely for stew is more expensive per pound than a thick slab of rump. If you take the time to cube it yourself, you'll save money. I buy dried beans and then soak and cook them myself in the crock-pot. (Overnight on high softens them perfectly, and they are ready to use first thing in the morning.) A can of cooked beans is sometimes $1 or more and packed with sodium. Yet a bag of dried beans will yield 3 or 4 servings, and often costs less than $1.

5. Plan your meals each week.
If you sit down before you go shopping and write out each days' meals, then make up your grocery list from that, you will buy exactly what you need and only what you need. (Bonus: you'll never stand forlorn and frustrated in the middle of your kitchen at 3:00 pm wondering what on earth you're going to make for dinner that night.) Also, pre-planning enables you to make use of bulk-shopping. If I know I'm about to buy a 5 lb bag of sweet potatoes, I'll plan several meals to use it, like black bean and sweet potato enchiladas, curried dahl with sweet potatoes and kale, sweet potato fritters, sweet potato bread, and roasted chicken with maple syrup and sweet potatoes.

6. Go Veg
Meat is more expensive than beans, not only at the checkout but at every step of the meat production process. The cost to our health, to the environment, and to the workers and animals themselves ought to give each of us pause before enjoying a steak. There is no doubt that meat contains vital nutrients, including protein, B vitamins and iron. However, Western society consumes much, much more than is necessary for good health, often at the expense of eating a variety of food (particularly vegetables.) In fact, we often have problems associated with too much meat consumption: "The American Dietetic Association says that vegetarians have 'lower rates of death from ischemic heart disease; ... lower blood cholesterol levels, lower blood pressure, and lower rates of hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and prostate and colon cancer.' Vegetarians, on average, are about one-third as likely to be overweight as meat-eaters." From this site. There are many resources on the net for cutting down on meat consumption or going completely vegetarian, but the easiest way is to simply start looking up vegetarian receipes until you find one that sounds good to you (try not to replace meat with cheese, which can also be high in fat and cholesterol.) Then replace one meat meal with the vegetarian option. Experiment. Try different cultures. Indian and Asian food are mostly vegetarian-based, and the unusual blend of spices give full flavor to the dishes so you don't usually feel the lack of meat. Instead of cooking your favorite meal without the meat, try something completely different so your tastebuds don't know what they're missing.

7. Get Creative
See if you can make your meals better and your bills smaller by substituting cheaper items for exotic ones. If your lasagna calls for ricotta, you can often use cottage cheese instead. I've had great success substituting chipotle peppers in adobo sauce for chili powder. ($0.59 a can vs $4 a jar.) If the recipe calls for dried cranberries, try raisins. If it asks for pine nuts, try almonds. Kale is usually cheaper than spinach. Look for what's in season or on sale, and replace raspberries with strawberries, or asparagus with green beans, or olives with mushrooms, or apples with celery.

8. Make it from scratch.
If you're buying pre-made meals or packaged desserts, stop. They are overpriced and inefficient. They come in packages that create waste, and most of them have added salt and preservatives. It does take time to make your own meals, but if you plan ahead you can double and freeze for times that you are in a rush. I have made enormous pots of spaghetti sauce and frozen them in 2-portion containers so if I'm in a pinch all I need to do is boil some pasta and defrost. When I go away on a trip, I cook my husband mega-meals and freeze them in individual portions so he doesn't waste money eating out. A gallon of whole organic milk is $5 at my grocery store and makes 15 cups of plain yogurt. Buying 15 containers of plain organic yogurt would cost $11.85 (more than twice the cost of the milk.) You can buy oil in bulk and make your own mayonaise by blending egg, oil and vinegar. You can dry the ends of bread loaves into breadcrumbs. It is healthier and cheaper to shop around the edge of the store. If you can, try not to venture into the center aisles of packaged products. Your body and your wallet will thank you.

9. Eat less.
No, I'm serious. You don't need to starve, be unhealthy or deprive yourself of everything, but most of us are in the bad habit of eating because we can. Portion sizes are out of control in this country, and most Americans exceed the daily recommended calorie allowance for their age and activity level. Serving sizes are actually much smaller than most people think, as evidenced by this guide. One serving of pancakes is the size of a compact disc...which is significantly smaller than the sides of pancakes you're served with eggs, bacon, fruit and coffee at a typical diner breakfast. Many of us have to actually re-train our minds and bodies to recognize when we are approaching being full and stop eating then, rather than trying to finish everything on our plates. Snacks are another dangerous area. Much of our eating is emotional rather than physical; we feel like something so we open the fridge and fix a snack or grab a handful of chips or cookies as we pass the pantry. Often we get something to eat before returning to our desks at work or before sitting down in front of the TV. Yet eating while distracted or focusing on something else almost guarantees we will overeat and miss our bodies' cues. Limiting portion sizes, eating slowly at mealtimes, sharing meals with family members, and stopping before we are stuffed will likely result in our consuming less food, in general. It may even benefit our health.

10. Costco
'Nuff said.

For fun, go check out this woman's blog! She's eating healthy, nourishing, whole meals on $1 a day.

Prayer and Fasting

2009-02-26T21:50:00.005-07:00

I had the privilege of attending a talk by Ivan Dragicevic, one of the 6 Medjugorje visionaries, last Monday night. We had an hour of the Rosary, during which the Virgin Mary appeared to him up by the altar, then we had Mass followed by Ivan's talk on Mary's message.

Her message, as it always does, revolves around peace, love, and a call to prayer, sacrifice and deep devotion to God. That is what she has been asking for in just about every apparition in all the centuries. Ivan talked to us about the type of prayer she wants: nothing less than wholehearted, passionate, intimate conversations with God, who made Himself incarnate to draw us nearer to Him.

She has said that we should all be praying 3 hours a day. People tend to react with immediate horror whenever they hear this. In Church on Monday the congregation gasped. Three hours! Every day! Impossible!

I don't think it is. Ivan clarified that it doesn't all have to be at once, nor does it have to be quiet, contemplative prayer. Reading the Bible counts. Attending Mass counts. Corporal works of mercy count.

And because I'm a mother, I've compiled a list to illustrate how a typical mom might be able to reach that three hours in fairly simple and straightforward ways without taking too much time out of her busy day:

Daily Mass: 30 minutes (if you're lucky enough to get a particularly long-winded or slow-talking presider, this could bump up to 45)

Morning Offering: 5 minutes

Nightly meditation: 5 minutes

Various daily prayers (to St. Anthony for a lost item, to Jesus, Mary and Joseph for patience, to the Holy Spirit to guide a conversation, to the Archangel Raphael for safe car rides, etc.) 5 minutes

Reading Bible or Daily Meditation: 15 minutes

Rosary after kids are in bed: 15-30 minutes (1 1/2 hours if full 20 mysteries are prayed)

Cheerfully singing hymns while washing dishes: 15 minutes

Moved to tears listening to local Christian radio station while running errands: 15 minutes

Reading Letters of St. Augustine or A Mother's Rule of Life or Daily Catholic news on web: 15 minutes

Making meal for friend who just delivered a baby or sorting and delivering donation to Goodwill or knitting scarf for homeless or packaging books for overseas soldiers or volunteering at nursing home or delivering communion to the homebound, etc etc: 30 minutes

Rocking child to sleep singing slow, meditative hymns: 15 minutes

TOTAL: 3 hours

Other suggestions:

Reciting seven Our Fathers, Hail Marys and Glory Bes while folding laundry/taking out garbage/waiting for schoolbus/emptying dishwasher/scrubbing bathtub/standing in checkout line/waiting on hold for customer service, etc.

Teaching children the name of a Saint and his/her patronage

Divine Mercy Chaplet or Chaplet to a Saint

Listening to Rosary on CD while driving

Confession

Participation in Parish organization (cleaning linens, baking host, St. Vincent de Paul, Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist, etc.)

Fasting

This last one I'd like to expand upon a bit. The messages from Medjugorje are explicit in their call for fasting. Mary is asking us to fast twice a week on Wednesdays and Fridays consuming only bread and water, and with the special intention for conversions (defined by Mary as anyone who has not felt the overpowering love of God in their lives.) Since Wendesday was Ash Wednesday and a day of fast anyway, I tried it.

I found it surprisingly easy. Not in the sense that it was fun, in any way enjoyable, or that I'm eager to do it again soon, but easy in the sense that I never felt unbearably hungry. I had thought, since bread and water is considerably stricter than the general Catholic guidelines for fasting (two small meals), that I would be doubled over in pain and nausea by the end of the day, desperate for nourishment.

On the contrary, the worst thing I experienced was a slight case of dry-mouth. My stomach barely rumbled. Like the time I gave up shoping for a week, the fast served to alert me to just how much excess food I consume in a day. It also brought home how often I eat just for the sake of eating. As my mother said when we discussed it today: "I know that I have all this food in my house. I have pecans in the pantry just waiting for me to eat them. Every single cuisine on Earth is available, from China to Argentina. It makes me want to eat." When we are surrounded by temptation, it makes it all the harder to resist.

Yet the truth is, our bodies don't NEED to eat three complete meals a day. We certainly don't need meat more than once a week, and unless we're digging a well or planning to raise up a barn, we certainly don't ever need "seconds."

So why do we eat so much? Well, because it's there. Studies have shown that people consume more food when they are served a large portion at a restaurant, regardless of how much they are paying for it. And if bread, condiments, appetizers and hearty beverages accompany the meal, people will eat those, too. (Interesting tidbit: 3-year-olds resist eating past the point of being full, 5-year-olds do not.)

Plus, food tastes good. We want to eat because we like the taste of things. That was mostly what I thought about during my fast when I was tempted by the smell of something. I thought about how good it would taste to chew it up and swallow it. My body was not sending me hunger signals, but my emotions were.

The hardest part of fasting is not the hunger. It's resisting temptation. Likewise, the hardest part of prayer is not the actual praying, but the setting time aside to do it. Whenever I begin the Rosary I feel such a sense of peace it makes me wonder why I put it off so often or get distracted by something else.

Discipline. That's the key to true spiritual fruit. This Lent, I hope to make myself and my desires smaller, while making God bigger. All Glory and Honor to You, Almighty Father, for ever and ever!

Wonder of wonders...

2009-02-14T09:33:00.001-07:00

...miracle of miracles!

I wanted to take a brief moment and post here about an outstanding, completely unexpected breakthrough that occurred in my marriage recently.

My husband came up with a plan that allows us to give to charity every month.

For the last five years (ever since I gave up working outside the home) my husband has insisted that we have no money to give to charity. Though I felt comfortable tithing 10% of my own paycheck, once that disappeared I had nothing I could count as my own. So I gave away whatever cash came into my hands from family members, as gifts for my birthday or Christmas, change from buying lunch or coffee, etc.

About the time I began this blog, I decided to commit myself entirely to my husband's vision for our finances. I ceased asking him about charity and instead devoted my energies to spending as little of our money as I could. I turned over to my husband every penny I received as a gift, even though it offended my family members who intended it as "play money." My intention was to remove myself from the argument and really, wholeheartedly work for unity in my marriage. I wasn't going to change his mind, so it seemed the best idea was to embrace his plans and make them my own. I had some idea that he would be pleased to see me making an active investment in our financial future, and proud of my ability to spend wisely. I even thought God might reward my efforts with some sort of major change of heart, perhaps even a windfall of money that would allow us to start adoption proceedings.

As of November, this was looking to be a dismal failure. I was frustrated by my inability to keep to our monthly budget and exhausted by the mental effort it required to plan each grocery trip down to the last penny and deny myself practically everything I wanted to buy (goat cheese, home decor, clothes, replacement sneakers, snacks at the mall, visits to the chiropractor, etc.) Each time I put the pine nuts back on the shelf at the store, or adjusted the books in my daughter's broken cubby, I mentally fumed that these sacrifices were totally for naught. We weren't saving any money at all. To make matters worse, my husband hadn't even noticed. He was growing more and more concerned about our finances, to the point where he was having trouble sleeping from the stress. I felt I had no incentive to keep up my careful regimen even though I knew it was right and good to do so. I felt like our situation would never change, and I wondered why God didn't seem to be doing anything to change it.

By the grace of God and guidance of the Holy Spirit, I refrained from sharing any of my feelings with my husband. I just kept on as I had been, and instead of giving me cash, my family started buying us groceries and home improvements. In December however, directly on the heels of going over-budget in November and with Christmas looming ever closer, I gave in to despair and made an offhand comment along the lines of: "it's never going to be enough for you." He was offended, rightly so, and countered, "you have made it perfectly clear you don't care about our finances."

Somehow, I managed to refrain from defending myself, pointing out all the sacrifices I was making and all the effort I had put into "his" vision, the pain it caused me to turn away from homeless people on the street and the tears I cried every time the collection basket went past me at Church. But I was preparing to scrap the whole experiment and start hiding money from him and giving it away behind his back. The only reason I didn't is that I had none to give, it being December and all.

Yet within two weeks, he wrote me an email to say he'd been spending a lot of time pondering the situation, and suggested that any remaining money at the end of the month could be split, 50/50, into savings and charity. I can't express to you my surprise and delight, or how unexpected his gesture truly was. There was no lead up to his sudden acceptance of my desires and subsequent factoring in of them to the family plan.

Nor was it anything I did, or anything I said, to change his mind. In the past, we had argued about this endlessly without coming to any satisfactory conclusion: I confidently asserted that we would be blessed if we gave from our hearts, he said we had no money to waste. I explained my beliefs about stewardship and responsibility to those less fortunate, he said we could help them when we weren't struggling to pay our own bills. Yet even though nothing in our money situation changed, even though we aren't yet at the point where we have 6 months income in a savings account for emergencies and even with the house in need of immediate repairs, he just decided that we could do this and then came up with a plan to make it work. I can only deduce it was the hand of God working in him. And therein lies the miracle.

It's not the plan I would have chosen, of course. It's actually better because it fulfills BOTH our interests. And because my husband came up with it himself, I feel like it's a gift he's given me, rather than a battle I've won at the expense of his pride.

So we have a charity account now! And I have direct incentive to refrain from spending frivolously; if I am under budget each month, some of that money will go to help the poor. It just makes it so much easier to brave the crowds at Costco knowing that there's a larger purpose to my sacrifices. And for the first time, I feel my husband and are are truly united in our marriage and our finances. We are working together towards each of our goals. This is so much better than a windfall of money (though if God has one planned I won't turn it down!)

I am thrilled and filled with new hope. I truly consider this a miracle, and I am wholly thankful for it.

Picture credit.

A Childhood Lost

2008-12-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

One of the first things that got me interested in Africa and its people was my contact with a Nigerian priest sent to the Archdiocese of Chicago. My parents befriended him soon after he arrived, and he has been a fixture in my life ever since.

He is a remarkable man; full of life and song, overflowing with love, energy and personality. Looking into his face at any moment, you would see joy and a genuine enthusiasm for your own company. In every way, he radiates a remarkable and infectious spirit.

What you would not see from looking at him, or ever guess from his demeanor or conversation, is that he was a child soldier. I do not want to divulge details, but they are really unnecessary save for one important fact: his time as a soldier ended.

He is one of the lucky ones who have been able (through the assistance of, in his case, the Catholic Church) to recover from the psychological abuse they suffered at the hands of the armies who trained them. Many others die before reaching adulthood, or are so twisted by the drugs and brainwashing they endure that even when released from the army they are unable to function in society.

Their numbers are rising. A recent map compiled by PBS highlights 18 countries where child soldiers have served, and UNICEF places their numbers at around 10% of the total number of combatants worldwide (some 300,000.) Children are attractive recruits for a variety of reasons, but primarily because they are cheap to feed and easily manipulated. Many of the armies who use child soldiers target civilians, and it is more expensive and more difficult to motivate an adult to kill innocent people than it is to brainwash or drug a child to do the same. In some cases, the targets of such warfare become the next wave of combatants -- when a unit of these soldiers arrives in a village their orders are often to kill/rape all the adults and abduct the children to be trained as soldiers.

The brainwashing begins immediately. If a child refuses to join willingly, the army kills his/her brother or sister, mother or father, or uses mutilation and torture to show them the futility of resisting. Once at the camp, they are fed a combination of drugs to dull their senses, confuse and energize them. One former child soldier referred to the combination of cocaine, alcohol and marijuana he took before a raid as a "morale booster."

Sexual abuse is common and widespread. Girls as young as 13 or 14 are openly used by the adult officers and the children that inevitably result are used to carry ammunition, run errands or test landmines before being added to the army when they are old enough. Boys are abused as well, either by being raped themselves or by being forced to rape others. Those who refuse or try to escape are killed or tortured.

The pain and trauma do not end when the war ends, either. Child soldiers remember many of the brutal acts they were forced to commit, they have nightmares and anxiety about the things they did or that were done to them. They can rarely go home; people remember what they did as soldiers and can neither trust nor forgive them. They are not usually seen as victims of war, though that is exactly what they are. Even those with families still living usually face ostracism, especially the girls who have been raped and borne children. The psychological damage is difficult to repair, and former child soldiers still feel violent tendencies and irrational hatred for groups or ethnicities they were trained to eliminate. Most of them are significantly behind in their schooling and have no social skills or ability to resolve conflicts without resorting to violence. Rehabilitation and retraining are essential.

While the UN has established prohibitions against the use of child soldiers (anyone under 18) enforcement is sorely lacking. Rehabilitation programs are severely underfunded. What is needed most is a greater recognition of the problem and a concerted effort to support those organizations working to end/repair the practice of children as soldiers. This interview discusses the essential role religious NGOs play in the reintegration of former child soldiers back into normal life. To put it simply, governmental organizations can only do so much, and are often only given money on a temporary or emergency basis. The long-term job of working with communities to allow former child soldiers back into society is mostly done by religious organizations with a continued presence in the area. We must support them.

Christ came to us as a little child, called the children to Himself and told us all, "Unless you are like these little children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." Here at Christmastime, when we celebrate the miracle of God With Us, let us pray for those children who have been warped by war, their innocence and trust stripped away, their childlike energies used to commit terrible crimes. Let us pray for hope and healing, for forgiveness and reconciliation amongst all the victims of these crimes.

The following organizations* work to eliminate the use of child soldiers:
Amnesty International
Childsoldiers.net
Child Soldier Relief
Global Youth Partnership for Africa
Human Rights Watch
International Red Cross and Red Crescent
International Rescue Committee
Invisible Children
UNICEF
War Child International
Virtue Foundation

For futher reading, please try:
Children at War
A Long Way Gone
First, Kill Your Family
http://childrenwithguns.blogspot.com/

* This is probably a subject for another post, but I want to briefly address it here. It is my belief (guided by the precepts of my faith) that many charitable organizations are misguided on certain issues (abortion, contraception, religious freedom and/or sexual orientation, to name a few.) I know many people of good conscience who refrain from assisting such associations monetarily. I respect this but do not agree. I think the battle against those things we disagree with must be waged actively and vocally, but not at the expense of the good and important work these organizations are also doing. The exception to this is when the organization is DIRECTLY harming the very population I am giving them money to help. When I learned, for instance, that the IRC provides abortions as part of its "health services" to victims of rape in the Congo, I stopped sending them money to help rape victims. I would, however, provide them money for refugee camps (unless I found out they perform abortions there, too.)

Charitable organizations are bound by law to appropriate money only to those programs the donor indicates. An open check sent to the Red Cross can be used for anything, but one which says specifically that the donor intends it for flood relief can then ONLY be used for flood relief. I take advantage of this to ensure that my money does not support things I do not believe in, even if the larger organization itself supports such things.

For Catholics who wish to ensure none of their contributions are spent on activities that conflict with the principles of our faith, I recommend Catholic Relief Services, which is present in nearly every country in the world and has a widespread mission of providing material and spiritual assistance to every person in need.

I also want to note: if I provide a direct link to an organization on this site, that indicates it has been personally vetted and I have not found any evidence that it either provides abortions or is funded/managed by an organization who does.

Picture credit.

New Directions

2008-12-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

I've been overwhelmed lately with emotions. Part of it is from medication I'm taking (mood swings and ultra-sensitivity have made for some pretty ugly days around this house.) It's become abundantly apparent to me that I have difficulty controlling my emotions. No one seems to have a good answer for this. Everything I've read and heard just comes down to one solution: Do what's right and don't worry about how you feel.

I can see the wisdom of that. Mostly, that's what I aim for. I don't feel like getting up at 2 am and patting the baby back down to sleep, but I do it. I feel like giving all our money away to an orphanage in Uganda, but I count pennies at the grocery store instead. I'm pretty adept at doing what I need to do. Sometimes kindly. Sometimes not. Yet I am still a roiling sea of resentment, frustration, impatience, intolerance and misery.

The other advice I often hear is to Give it to Jesus. Umm, apparently, Jesus doesn't want it? Because somehow I still have all the pain. He must have given it back or something. Who knew the Christ was a re-gifter?

Anyway, being as there doesn't seem to be a way to change my emotional reaction, I think a bit of a switch is in order. It is time to stop whining about how difficult it is to be Woe-Is-Me and focus instead on the ones this blog was designed to focus on. The poor. When I first started, I intended to post maybe 25% of the time about my personal efforts to Take the Poor With Me. The rest was supposed to showcase the lives of the poor, highlight NGOs doing good around the world, share prayers and novenas and Saints who focus on the poor, maybe with a dash of politics every now and then.

Thus I intend to start focusing on some of those other things. Look for more regular and useful posts in the near future!

Picture Credit.

Advent Conspiracy Promo Video

2008-11-13T19:28:00.001-07:00